Damon Young/VSB

Rarely does a week pass without someone asking me what married life is like. I usually provide the same answer ("It's…just like life before marriage. Except now you have God's blessing to have sex in Macy's dressing rooms."), but it always feels incomplete. Mainly because the best way to describe married life is to provide an example of a typical conversation two married people have. But that would take too long to say in a regular conversation where people really aint all that interested in the answer.

Fortunately, I have some space here.

***Typical morning conversation between two married people***

Husband: Do you want to go to the gym after work today?

Wife: Hmm. I don't know. I have to meet with my sister at 6 to help her plan this surprise party she's throwing for her friend.

Husband: That "Kim" chick with the awkward lips?

Wife: No. She's not cool with Kim anymore.

Husband: Why not?

Wife: Do you really care?

Husband: No.

Wife: Then why ask?

Husband: So…you're not going to the gym?

Wife: No.

Husband: Ok.

Now, imagine having a conversation like that everyday. If you're married for 30 years, you will have it 10,000 times.

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Seriously though, this doesn't seem too bad though, right? I mean, you'll have all types of other fun things to do — unprotected sex, family trips to Sandcastle, country-wide brunch tours, passive-aggressive landscaping battles with neighbors, etc — besides have mundane conversations. And, those mundane conversations can also be ways to reinforce your connection to each other and take the relationship's temperature. If this is all marriage is, marriage is a motherfucking breeze.

But wait. Before you agree, I have to admit that I edited some parts of that conversation out. And I'd like you to read the unedited version before you answer.

***Typical morning conversation between two married people while wife is in the shower and husband comes in the bathroom***

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***Husband sits on the toilet***

Wife: What are you doing?

Husband: Jumping rope.

Wife: You couldn't go downstairs? You knew I was in the shower.

Husband: It's cold down there. And I think we have morning ghosts.

Wife: I hate you.

Husband: I love you.

Wife: Just make sure you courtesy flush.

Husband: Do you want to go to the gym after work today?

Wife: Hmm. I don't know. I have to meet with my sister at 6 to help her plan this surprise party she's throwing for her friend.

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Husband: That "Kim" chick with the awkward lips?

Wife: No. She's not cool with Kim anymore.

Husband: Why not?

Wife: Do you really care?

Husband: No.

Wife: Then why ask?

Husband: So…you're not going to the gym?

Wife: Nah, just go without me. Wait…I thought you were going to courtesy flush!

Husband: I did.

Wife: So why does it smell like baby elephants in here now?

Husband: You wanted empanadas for dinner yesterday, not me. Every choice has consequences.

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I imagine that some of you were completely grossed out by that scenario. I also imagine that some of you read this and thought "Shit. This was totally us yesterday morning." Which side you're on matters. And, interestingly enough, whether you're currently in a relationship or not actually doesn't.

Compatibility is often brought up as the most crucial part of maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. And, for good reason. If you can't get along — if you don't "fit" each other in some way — it's probably not going to work. This concept is also often distilled down to specifics. Sexual compatibility. Social compatibility. Spiritual compatibility. Netflix compatibility. But what doesn't seem to be discussed as often as it should is intimacy compatibility.

To wit, some people are fine with the level of intimacy exhibited by the couple in the conversation. Perhaps they'd be a little annoyed, but they're not as concerned with setting and maintaining those types of boundaries. And there are some people…well, there are some people who, if you tried to take a shit while they were taking a shower, would jump out the shower and stab you with a shampoo bottle. They could be just as in love with their mate — and just as compatible in other ways — as the "comfortable" couple, but they're just not cool with that type of shit. Literally. They need more boundaries and don't need or want to be as intimate as the other people clearly are comfortable being.

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There's no right or wrong either way. But along with "How do you feel about kids?" and "Would you eat the last Red Hot Cheeto, or save it for me?" intimacy compatibility is probably something that should be discussed before you decide to get together. Because the only thing worse than an interrupted shit is a shit interrupted by a bottle of Pantene thrown at your spleen.