Screenshot: Pizza Hut (YouTube)

There’s this guy I know. His name is Famen Hung. We hoop together a few times a week. And despite being 39—and despite the fact that, the last time he went to LA Fitness, one of the young dudes on the court greeted him with “What’s good, O.G.?” (AND IT WAS MEANT TO BE A COMPLIMENT!)—he’s in quite decent shape. Not great shape. He’d probably be in better shape if he stopped drinking milkshakes once a week and eating bacon once an hour. But on the spectrum of realistic shape that a 39-year-old man could be in, he’s right-of-center.

Anyway, I hit up Famen the other day to come hoop with me. He couldn’t, however, because he injured his back and needed a few days to heal. Concerned about my friend’s injury, I followed up:

“How did you get hurt? Was it on that dunk you tried on that 9-foot-hoop at your daughter’s daycare last week?”

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“I’m almost embarrassed to say.”

“Now you gotta tell me.”

“You ever heard of the shoot dance?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s a new dance that looks really cool.”

(Below is a video of said dance. I confirm that it does look cool.)

“I thought you hated dancing. Didn’t you tell me that someone once said that you dance like you’re listening to a song that hasn’t been recorded yet?”

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“Yes! But the shoot dance is different. Because it’s really intense and could actually double as a core workout.”

“But I thought you hired that personal trainer specifically to work on your core? Those exercises and stretches weren’t helping you? Just last week you were all excited about planks and recovery drinks. What happened to the planks and recovery drinks?”

“Yeah, the training has helped me. But the shoot dance just looks so damn cool. And I still want to be damn cool, dammit! Just because I’m 39 doesn’t mean I still can’t be damn cool, too!”

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Sensing that my friend, Famen Hung, was very upset, I dropped it and asked instead if he wanted to go to the Container Store. He accepted my invitation, and we had a great time. Me and my friend did.

I still, however, could sense that he was really depressed about this, so if anyone knows of any support groups or anything for moderately fit old niggas hurting themselves trying to do young nigga dances, please let me know. Famen would greatly appreciate it.