As Labor Day weekend came to a close and I finally managed to get the last bit of baby powder out from behind my ear from the last night’s fete (it’s a West Indian thing), my good homegirl reminded me that my favorite weekly stories were blessing me last night with the second part of the best TV trilogy this side of For the Love of Ray J*.
Eight o’clock rolled around and I joyously sat down on my couch, cracked open my Double IPA (Flying Dog Double Dog Double IPA cuz I got it like that), got my life from 15 minutes of Joseline Hernandez vs The World…and then proceeded to roll my eyes at 45 minutes of After School Specials As Directed by Mona Scott (featuring Sommore and her search for a punch line).
I am very well aware that Love and Hip Hop is pretty much lowest common denominator content. In lesser words, it’s trash. But it’s my trash and I love it! You know what I don’t love? When my trash tries to be holier than thou. The rest of the cast of Love and Hip Hop giving their .00001 Bitcoins on what is really wrong with Joseline and Stevie J and how their behavior was uncalled for is the pot telling kettle that he doesn’t mess with darkskinned folks.
Momma Dee gave her version of a sermon at two different occasions. Momma Dee - a self-admitted former pimp and drug dealer, who last season tried to fight both her son’s baby’s mother as well as her mother to the point that the police got involved – is saying that a woman should know better than to instigate situations. Someone who is constantly asked by her own friends and family if she’s taking her medication regularly is ruminating on another individual’s mental health.**
A “manager” named Dawn - last name irrelevant, because she doesn’t even go here – who’s only accomplishment of any note is failing to help Mimi rebrand her “career” post “leaked” sex tape, is weighing in on Joseline’s coke habit and fake marriage. For one, I’d wager that out of the 8 people on that stage…maybe 7 of them have a more than casual relationship with illicit substances. (At the very least it would explain Mimi’s eternal Celie slave whisper). For two , if I had five dollars for every member of the “public” that “wants to know” whether or not Steebie and Joseline were married I’d be no closer to paying off the roaming charges AT&T slapped on me from my trip to DR than I was last week.***
Last but oh-so-certainly not least, Nikko and Mimi – Nikko and Mimi – waxed poetically about how Joseline was triflin, delusional, and needed help. Nikko, who’s still married. Nikko, who has a single out on iTunes called “Shower Rod.” Nikko, who was “rushed off stage” but still had time to stop, tie his shoes, do the shmoney dance, and check out Amber Rose’s latest instagram video. There’s nothing more to say about Mimi except that she has finally reached the ultimate Pokemon level of being the amalgamation of every Tyler Perry leading lady ever.
I will refrain on commenting about Deb Antney because just like someone who’s name rhymes with Harvin Marrison, speaking sideways about her might be the last thing you ever do. What I will say to her daughter in law Tammy is that it’s kind of hard to believe you that Joseline didn’t hit you with the one hitter quitter when 1) it’s on video, b) your ponytail is on the floor, iii) 38 roided up security men couldn’t hold Joseline back.
Finally, all of them – every last one – was talking cash shit about Joseline and Stevie all up and down social media and any blog that would listen. Benzino and Mimi have been calling Joseline a prostitute since Day One. Benzino made a diss song using a Joseline look alike!**** For them to act like they don’t know where the beef came from - coke induced or not – is like me wondering why AT&T keeps sending me all of these warning texts about potential disruption of service.*****
The real moral of the story is not the decline of Joseline as it is that all of the ladies and gentlemen on that stage ignored the first rule of the streets: don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit. At the very least, hit a defensive stance when the chick you’ve been dragging through the mud walks toward you in hulk mode.
Also, give up on trying to kick her off the show. Mona’s riding that cash cow for the long haul. You have a better chance of finding the enterprising Aruba TSA sex video thieves.
*Speaking of Ray J THE GAWD, did you guys get a gander of the previews for Love and Hip Hop Hollywood? Ole girl came through and stole Ray J in the face. Needless to say…I’m in.
**That said, it still makes her more qualified than Iyanla Vanzant for just about anything.
***I’m using such an ungodly amount of Air Quotes that I was almost convinced that I was getting my Joey Tribbiani on – but a show with this many delusions of grandeur lends itself to excessive punctuation.
****The fact that there are two women in the world that look like Joseline Hernandez is truly the eighth wonder of the world.
***** It’s really their own fault that their customer service rep told me that I really have 45 days to pay my bill without acquiring late fees or a suspended line. I’m just working with the knowledge I’m given.