Let our next greatest achievement be realizing the dream of full equality for all of us ...

- Human Rights Campaign President, Alphonso David, as reported by Maiysha Kai -

Advertisement

I've Been a Homeowner for Two Years Now. Here's What I've Learned

Illustration for article titled Ive Been a Homeowner for Two Years Now. Heres What Ive Learned
Photo: Damon Young

THERE ARE TAXES AND FEES YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF SEWAGE FEES LAWN TAXES NEIGHBORHOOD FEES URINE TAXES EVERYTHING’S EXPENSIVE EVERYTHING BREAKS EVENTUALLY SHIT YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BREAK WILL BREAK I HAD A BROKEN STOOP STEP LAST YEAR HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BREAK A STOOP STEP WE HAVE SOFT FEET IN THIS HOUSE SMALL CHILDREN ARE MENACES THEY WILL WRITE ON WALLS AND SHIT IN OVENS AND THEN SMILE AT YOU LIKE THEY GAVE YOU A PROMOTION SMALL CHILDREN ARE ASSHOLES IF YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CLEANING SOMETHING ALWAYS UNLESS YOU DECIDE NOT TO CLEAN FOR A DAY BUT THEN YOUR HOUSE WILL BE ON HOARDERS THIS IS NOT HYPERBOLE THE DISTANCE BETWEEN HABITABLE AND HOARDERS IS JUST ONE WEEKEND YOU WILL WANT THINGS YOU SPECIFICALLY SAID YOU DID NOT WANT WHILE HOUSE HUNTING LIKE A BIG YARD FOR INSTANCE BECAUSE FUCK BIG YARDS BIG YARDS ARE FOR REPUBLICANS AND NIGGAS NAMED “RALPH” BUT NOW I WANT A BIG YARD AND THEN YOU WON’T WANT THE THINGS YOU THOUGHT YOU NEEDED LIKE AN OPEN CONCEPT THE FIRST TWO FLOORS OF MY HOUSE ARE BASICALLY ONE BIG ROOM WHICH SEEMED COOL ON ZILLOW BUT NOW JUST MEANS THERE’S NO ESCAPING ANYONE EVER AND ALSO IF YOU HAVE AN OPEN FIRST FLOOR AND YOUR KITCHEN OR WHATEVER IS MESSY THAN THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR SEEMS MESSY BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW OUR BRAINS PROCESS INFORMATION AND THEN YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF BUYING THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED LIKE COTTONELLE FLUSHABLE WIPES WHICH DON’T REALLY ASSIST WITH HOME MAINTENANCE BUT SINCE YOU’RE SPENDING MORE TIME IN THE BATHROOM TO ESCAPE NIGGAS AT LEAST YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD AND THEY REALLY DO FEEL GOOD THIS AIN’T EVEN A JOKE THEY FEEL LIKE HOW ICE CREAM TASTES LIKE HOW CORRINE BAILEY RAE’S VOICE SOUNDS LIKE HOW RIHANNA ON A RAINBOW WOULD LOOK IF THAT WERE POSSIBLE I KNOW WE USED TO FUCK WITH TERRENCE HOWARD FOR THE WET WIPES THING BUT HE HAD A POINT!

Advertisement

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

Those wipes aren’t flushable, no matter what they say. Flush enough of them and you can add AND HOLY JESUS PLUMBERS COST MORE THAN A CAR TO CLEAR MY CLOGGED DRAINAGE PIPES to your list.

And yeah, homeownership is as much of a nightmare as it is a dream. Whenever it seems too much, just ask yourself, “When’s the last time I had a neighbor banging on my floor or stomping on my ceiling?” It’ll help.