I've Eaten 170,000 Honey Roasted Peanuts Since March

Illustration for article titled Ive Eaten 170,000 Honey Roasted Peanuts Since March
Screenshot: Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So this morning after eating the 170,000th honey roasted peanut I’ve eaten since March OH IT WAS SO DELICIOUS THE WAY THE HONEY AND THE ROASTED PEANUT CONVERGED IN MY MOUTH CRUNCHY SWEET TANGY SEXY YES SEXY A HONEY ROASTED PEANUT IS THE SEXIEST NUT WAY SEXIER THAN CASHEWS WHICH HAVE NUT SCOLIOSIS AND ALMONDS WHICH TASTE LIKE FEBREEZE SPRAYED ON TEETH. BUT YEAH I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO EAT JUST SIX THIS MORNING. BUT SIX TURNED TO SIXTEEN. SIXTEEN TURNED TO SEVENTY-TWO. SEVENTY-TWO TURNED TO SIX HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN. BECAUSE ONCE I START EATING THEM I JUST CAN’T STOP. WHICH IS WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT LAY’S. BUT THE ONLY WHITE THING I PUT IN MY MOUTH NOW IS TOOTHPASTE FUCK A POTATO CHIP UNLESS ITS BBQ IF AMERICA CAN BE ANTIBLACK I CAN BE ANTIWHITE WITH...FOOD WHICH ADMITTEDLY MAKES NO SENSE AND NEEDS TO BE WORKSHOPPED A BIT MAYBE BUT PROTEST STARTS AT HOME.

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Anyway, after I finished eating that can of honey roasted peanuts, I walked past a mirror to see if there were any honey roasted peanut bits in my beard. SOMETIMES WHEN THEY’RE THERE I’M HAPPY LIKE “OH, A NIGHTCAP” WHICH HAPPENS FREQUENTLY WHEN YOU’RE BIG BEARDED SOMETIMES ITS CELERY SOMETIMES ITS A PANCAKE PIECE ONCE I FOUND A WHOLE ASS UNBITTEN CHICKEN WING JUST SITTING IN MY BEARD LIKE IT WAS A COUCH ON MY FACE. BUT YEAH I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR EXPECTING TO SEE ME BUT NOW I AM A HONEY ROASTED PEANUT WITH A BEARD. I LOOK LIKE A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM MASCOT. I LOOK OBSCENE. I LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU’D SPRAY WITH WINDEX IF RAID WASN’T CLOSE ENOUGH. I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE OR SOMETHING. BUT I’M STILL REALLY SMART WHICH IS HOW I MANAGED TO TYPE THIS DESPITE NOT HAVING HANDS ANYMORE.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

blockedpunch
Blockedpunch

That’s nuts.