Earlier this week, while discussing Star Wars: The Force Awakens with my dad, I halfheartedly mentioned that I never was a huge fan of the Star Wars series. I didn't dislike them or anything. But I just never went gaga over them either.
He paused, took off his glasses, and gave me a look that could best be described as "Little nigga who happens to be my son, don't forget that I've know you your entire life." And then he reminded me that a pre-teen Damon had every Star Wars toy — including a Millennium Falcon that's still stored somewhere in my dad's basement — used to carry a light-saber around, like, to school and to the store (it was tucked into my belt), and once got so excited about watching Return of the Jedi that I broke out in hives.
This conversation was a brutally funny reminder of the importance of having at least one person in your life willing to call you out on your shit. It could be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a best friend. Shit, it could be your barber. But we all need someone to remind us, from time to time, that Glade doesn't exactly come out of our asses when we sit to shit.
But unfortunately, some people don't have that person. And if this acting thing doesn't work out for John Boyega, I suggest he starts a new career as that person for people who need that person. People could give him a one time fee. Maybe an hourly rate. Or perhaps, even, he'd be kept on retainer, like a lawyer. He could call himself "The Bullshit Smeller." (Actually, that title needs some work. Forget I even said that.)
I'm bullish on Boyega's new career potential because of his response to the White Tears tsunami that drenched the internet after some Star Wars fans learned he would play a major role in The Force Awakens. It was, well, perfect. He was Beatrix at The House of Blue Leaves, Bane in the sewer, or John Wick in the nightclub; wiping up the White Tears spillage with ruthlessness, creativity, and even some humor.
First, he led with a quick jab to the nose:
"I'm grounded in who I am, and I am a confident black man. A confident, Nigerian, black, chocolate man."
Look, any dude who refers to himself as a confident and chocolate man — seriously, this dude literally called himself chocolate! — is not to be trifled with.
Then came the uppercut:
"They are merely victims of a disease in their mind."
There's really no better way to describe this strain of thinking. Racist people aren't just ignorant. They're diseased.
But he wasn't done yet:
"They’re stupid, and I’m not going to lose sleep over people. The presale tickets have gone through the roof — their agenda has failed. Miserably."
This is basically "Bitch, please." extended to 24 words.
And then, just in case there were any drops of White Tears left, he came with the finishing blow:
"I just don’t get it. You guys got every single alien in this movie imaginable to man. With tentacles, five eyes. Aliens that, if they existed, we’d definitely have an issue. We’d have to get them to the government and be, like, “What are you?” Yet what you want to do is fixate on another human being’s color. You need to go back to school and unlearn what you have learned. I think Yoda said that, or Obi-Wan."
This is a series where an elephant-sized piece of shit was actually a major character, but a Black guy in the movie is just too much to handle. Which Boyega's response alludes to, as you'd be hard-pressed to find a more accurate and more comprehensive dismissal of the cluelessness and ridiculousness of White Tears, parsed down to a single paragraph.
Again, if this acting thing doesn't work for him, I know of quite a few people I can introduce him to, to help him kickstart his new career. Starting with Martin Shkreli.