Stop me if you've heard this one before.
Man and woman get into argument about something. It doesn't matter what its about. It could be about Obama's favorite Jordans. Or whether or not Season 3 of House of Cards was any good and advanced the cause of dismantling FEMA. Or an argument about Beyoncé and how she, not Stephen Hawking, has the best theory on black holes. Point is, they get into an argument about something. Maybe its important (black holes are very important) and maybe its not. Woman gets inside all of her feelings. You know Minnie Ripperton's "Inside My Love"? Replace "love" with "feelings" and that's the woman. Because he can see inside her, he knows she's pissed and attempts to talk about it in the moment to save the rest of the morning, afternoon, millenium. But she's upset at man and decides she doesn't feel like talking about it. A woman might got to have it…but this particular woman? She isn't having it.
It's like 7pm. There's tension. There's awkwardness. There's walking on eggshells. Man knows that woman is going to pop at any moment. He ALSO knows that "any moment" means right as he's about to go to sleep.
There isn't a man alive who has dated a woman who doesn't know this life. If you get into an argument, or even a spirited debate with a woman who does not appreciate your opinion OR who just so happens to feel strongly about something that was said, even twelve hours previuosly, you are going to hear about it between the hours of 11pm and 2am. Just as you lay your head down and begin to lull yourself to sleep to thoughts of new Kendrick Lamar albums and racial harmony either the phone will ring (and continue to ring until you answer it) or you'll hear from the other side of the bed, "are you awake? I can't sleep."
"Are you awake? I can't sleep." is woman code for "we're about to have a conversation right now and I don't care if you're tired, sleep, and have to be up in a few hours."
I've never quite understood how this became a thing. But its consistent as fuck. I've always wondered if there was some woman class that happened in the middle of some game that all men were watching - like a midseason NBA Clevelend Cavaliers versus Golden State Warriors game - that we're oblivious to where this gets discussed as being essential to the woman experience. But it never fails, if a woman is upset about something she will NOT be ready to discuss it until the man is ready to go to sleep AND she is likely to not understand (read give any fucks) that he is nonplussed at her chosen time for discussion.
I have a theory on this.
Here is my theory on this.
Women do not like to be inconvenienced. I mean nobody really does, but women, especially, do no like being inconvenienced by anybody. But especially not by their man.
This is universal truth. Do not attempt to undo this truth for it is truth. And truth cannot be undone. Veritas. An inconvenienced woman - a being that all men come across at some point during the tenure of any relationship - is one who both needs you to know that she's inconvenienced (and I'm using inconvenienced in a very liberal sense, just because you feel that way doesn't make it so and conversely because you don't feel inconveniencd doesn't make it so) and needs you to also be. In my travels I've learned that disagreements with women count as inconveniences. And I mean ANY disagreements.
Women are emotional justice seekers. This is not a bad thing. In fact it makes some sense. It is the crux of the "woman scorned" action statement which is: If you scorn me, I will kill us all, I don't even care. Granted, that's extreme. On a smaller scale, say a relationship spat or disagreement, the emotional justice manifests itself differently in the form of seeking out retribution for robbing her of her emotional peace that existed before the conversation arose that created the emotional baseball bat with which she was bludgeoned. Which I think we can all agree, is inconvenient.
It's only NOT an inconvenience if she goes off by herself and determines that perhaps you were right, in which case you'll just never hear about it again. BUT, if she DOES happen to feel inconvenienced or as poet laureate Rich Homie Quan inveighed, feels some type of way, then you will hear about it again because she needs you to know that you inconvenienced her emotions. And the best time to let somebody know that you felt inconvenienced…
…is at an inconvenient hour. It's not enough to tell you, she must show you. It's happened to be me before. I'm sure it will happen again. I've heard many women talk about not wanting to go to bed mad. This is dumb. Because you don't have to. Generally speaking, most men don't like it when they're beefing with their women so they do attempt in some fashion to fix the problem. And because we like our sleep, we're not trying to wait until sleepy time to make this happen.
Also, I know many women who state that they don't stay mad long. So by the time we have to talk about it in the witching hour, she's not even mad anymore, she just wants to talk about her feelings. Which I can understand, by why does that have to wait til late. Do women not like sleep as much as men? These things keep me up at night, ya know, when it's not my woman keeping me up at night. I'm up at night a lot.
But I truly want to know, from a woman's perspective what that's really about. I have my theory - I outlined it - but it's a theory from the mind of a man. All woman know exactly what I'm talking about.
So what's that about? Ladies, why do you all wait until we're about to go to sleep to decide THAT is when a a situation must be resolved?