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After being roundly criticized for leaked footage that revealed him bragging about grabbing anonymous women "by the pussy," Donald Trump kinda, sorta apologized for it. But then dismissed it as typical "locker room talk." What exactly is this "locker room talk?"

Locker room talk refers to unfiltered conversations men sometimes have with each other in locker rooms. The term has become a bit of a catch-all to not just refer to men's locker rooms, but anywhere (barbershops, country club golf courses, etc) a group of men are able to communicate without women around. With the obvious implication being that these conversations are likely to be a bit more vulgar than what's typically heard in polite society.

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You seem to be an expert on this.

Well, between middle school, high school, and college basketball, I was probably in a locker room at least 100 days a year for over a decade straight. When you add gym classes and belonging to YMCAs and clubs like LA Fitness as an adult — plus playing in adult sports leagues — I've probably been in a locker room 2000 times in my life. And I've been privy to these naked conversations.

Do you mean naked in the literal sense?

Well, one of the unspoken rules of the locker room — the first rule, really — is that you're to spend the least amount of time naked as possible. You do not want to be the "guy who spends a bit too much time naked, and does things — like 'drink from the water fountain' or '50 push-ups and 20 jumping jacks' — that he could very easily be doing with a fucking towel on" or the "naked guy who tries to have a mundane conversation with you like his drooping dick and sleepy balls aren't sitting there taking notes and making guacamole." Admittedly, these guys do exist. But most guys are not that guy.

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Interesting. So, while in these locker rooms, have you ever used offensive language to describe your interactions with the opposite sex?

I've definitely used vulgar language in this manner. And sometimes this vulgarity was intentionally exaggerated for dramatic effect. And I've been a part of dozens — maybe hundreds — of conversations where someone else used this type of language.

I'm not proud of any of this, but it would be dishonest if I claimed to have never done it.

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I see. So basically you've done the same thing Donald Trump has been captured on film doing?

No.

Wait, I thought you just said you've used vulgar language while describe your interactions with the opposite sex.

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I did.

So how is what you said any different than what Trump said? I'm not following you here.

There's a nuance missing with Trump's characterization of the locker room conversation. Which shouldn't be a surprise, as Trump avoids nuance like Kappas avoid sweat. As admittedly problematic as it is to boast and brag about how you "fucked" Keisha Johnson last night, there's still a major difference between that and what Trump said. Although the subject is crass and the language is vulgar, you're describing what's assumed to be a consensual sexual interaction with Keisha. What Trump described, however, is a non consensual sexual interaction. Which is sexual assault.

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So you've never crossed that line before? You've never made a brag or boast that blurred or just outright disregarded the lines of consent?

No I haven't.

So I'm supposed to believe that you're the exception, the only guy who stays mindful of certain lines while these explicit and vulgar conversations occur?

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I'm actually saying the exact opposite thing. I'm not the exception. I'm the norm. Despite what Trump might want you to believe, most guys are aware of the difference between "that's really crass" and "that's really rapey." At least when it comes to telling these types of stories. Donald Trump is the exception. He is the one who is unlike most others.

Also, in regards to locker room culture, there are a couple things that need to be mentioned:

1.  Those conversations I referred to earlier — the vulgar stories and thoughts I shared — are not recent. The boasting and bragging about sexual conquests happened when I was in high school and college. The locker room is a much different place as an adult. Maybe you'll shoot the breeze for a minute and talk about sports or politics — and maybe if you're with friends you'll share details about a relationship you're in or the sex you recently had — but as an adult the main objective of being in the locker room is to spend as little time as necessary there. Ultimately, no one gives much of a fuck about who you happen to be fucking anymore.

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2. As alluded to earlier, there is a self-policing aspect to these man-on-man conversations. And much of the self-policing exists in the form of relationship filtering. I will not pretend that men like Trump — men who often use language that very blatantly describes their willingness to commit some form of sexual assault  — do not exist. But these types of men are very often ostracized by other men. After telling him once or twice that the shit he's saying/doing aint cool, you stop texting him and responding to his texts, you stop inviting him to hang out, you start avoiding his requests to kick it, and you eventually just stop interacting with him completely. (And, if possible, you warn people you know — women and men — about him.)

Trump was empowered to speak the way he did because he had a sycophantic audience in Billy Bush. Which he is likely used to, as he's definitely the type of guy to surround himself with people who are either lapdogs or exactly like him. So maybe, for him, this is what locker rooms are like. But his experience is an ugly anomaly.

(Also, it has to be said that rape culture is real. And pervasive. And that ostracizing those who act a certain way towards women and girls ultimately may not be the most helpful way to combat it, because those types of guys often just end up finding and connecting with each other.)

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Anything else?

It's funny how Trump is attempting to spin this story as him just being a man's man. An alpha. Because this proves he actually sucks at it. He's pretty shitty as this "being a man" thing.

How so?

The first thing he did when responding to this story was claim he's heard worse from Bill Clinton. Which threw a man under the bus. And then he went on to claim that this is typical locker room banter — a dry snitch lie that threw every man who's ever been in a locker room under the bus.

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Perhaps he might be President, but his locker room privileges should forever be revoked. Go change and shower in your fucking limo.