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Lawd, black people ain’t got nothin but jaysus! When I tell you it all hit the gotdamn fan this past week for the puppets cast of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, Season 5! Outside of the studio, Tammy and Waka’s sham marriage done fell the hell apart. Joseline and Stevie J’s alpha sham marriage (they originate, not duplicate! Get it right!) has ALSO disappeared into the mist. And gotdamned if I didn’t get a flyer for a party hosted by Stud Bae with walk through by Tommie - and that is NOT for giggles. That shit legit landed in my email box - I didn’t know how to feel! It’s weeks like this when I just have to grab on to the hem of white jaysus garment and hold tight. This week’s installation of “Let’s Embarrass The Race” didn’t help - though I must admit Deb Antney’s soothing baritone did calm me down following some initial angst over Ariane’s latest wig.

We actually opened up with Ariane coming to the studio where D. Smith and Billy Betty Idol are weeping singing. We learn that Ariane wants to sing and thinks D can help her. *Frustration face* She wants their advice on whether she should join K Michelle’s fledgling label. Girl, what do YOU think? This was simply a veiled attempt to get them to read K Michelle for filth again. Unnecessary: Whenever K Michelle wakes up each day, she has effectively read herself. Anyways, it looks like we’re gonna try to get Ariane a late-season story line by way of some fughazi ass music career.  Let’s just hope that Dihann Caroll wig lands in cold storage before they start pressin’ albums.

Bambi is at Tammy and them house where Deb Antney is rocking her soft white Shirley Temple curls. Bambi is relaying what went down at the recording party, including her out of pocket shade to D. Smith (Reference that limp Juwanna Mann read) when Deb cooks up an idea to squash the beef at an anti-bullying conference. Because her son had died over internet bullying. And she wants to end the struggle. Or something. I’mma be honest, when she said “As a transgender woman, I can only imagine the bullying D. Smith went through” I peed. Did she just come out? Look at white gawd! (This is what happens when you don’t pay attention to sentence structure, Deb!) Tammy and Bambi shut it down - which naturally means that Deb is gonna press the issue, which we see a few scenes later as she messages D. Smith for a meeting. D. Smith says she’s unsure of how to feel as she’s never met this Deb woman. O’rly? How’d she get the number boo? Deb wants to personally invite her to the anti-bully panel - annnnnnd get clarity on wtf happened with Tammy.  For all her voicebox aggression, Deb is generally pretty level-headed and explains in basic terms that D. Smith is trying to judge Tammy based on Waka, while asking her not to judge her based on Betty. Because Smith ain’t shit (it’s official) she tells Deb that was a “cute try” but no dice, before swirling on her heels and storming out.

Later on, she shows up and shows out at some jank panel full of convex-faced children. Podiums are pounded. Fingers are pointed. Deb does a deep Luther Vandross type voice roll as she tells the girls to get themselves together and of course, D. Smith storms out. Put me down on the record as officially quitting Team D. Smith. Look, this ho is entirely to turnt and sassy for someone whose day-to-day activities consist primarily of switching from one bedraggled wig to another. Newsflash ho: Your lacefront ain’t even glued down right. And whomever advised you that you were soft enough to wear a high bun AND a mandarin collar needs to be removed from your circle forthwith as they most certainly don’t have your best interests in mind. In other words, bih, file them hard ass angles off your jawline before you keep dive bombing heaux.

Scrapp is doing a photo shoot and praise fatha gawd, I think he may have applied a brush today! Tiara has let him hold his son, who is joyfully wriggling around while mama KK does what she does best - bring up Tiara and Tommie. Bih, do YOU want to date them? ‘Cause their names stay in your mouth! She’s just started advocating for a Karlie Redd union when Scrapp stops her dead and points out that he’s on the way to the clink in approximately 10 minutes and really has better things to focus on.  I’m glad SOMEBODY is acknowledging that. Moments later, Scrapp pulls kiddo to the side to tell him that he’s going to be washin’ another man’s drawls for a few years. He explains that he has to go somewhere where “babies can’t come” and the little boy starts crying. Seriously Mona? Why you gotta exploit that child that way?! *sigh*

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In other foolishment, Mimi is outraged - OUTRAGED - that Stevie J. might have another outside baby aka he’s been hoeing at the same time he’s coming to her doorstep pretending that he’s being put upon by the Puerto Rican Princess. Stevie J. says it’s all lies. He claims the real issue is that Joseline is feeling guilty about cutting up bruh’s clothes and bleaching them Waiting to Exhale style. But frfr MiMi, why the fuck do you care?  *Kanye shrug* All I know is that she decides to let him crash. If her and Stevie J. get back together, I will never, EVER, refer to their story line again. #ImUnable

The episode reaches its climactic end as Scrapp gives himself the world’s worst haircut in preparation for court.  Newly transitioned from Raggedy Andy to Peabo Bryson, he goes off to court, where he is promptly surrounded by his family’s white jaysus warriors who aggressively gird him in prayer. Y’all it’s five years. He’ll be out in 18 months. Hopefully with clearer skin. Simmer down.

Look y’all, I ain’t shit and I own that. I know I’m not the only one hoping that Proactiv is a thing in the clink.

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And speaking of random aintshittery on my part:

Am I the only one bothered by these Amber Rose commercials? Boo just be thick and sexy and stop talking.

Has anyone else gotten into Deb Antney’s eyelash weave though? They’re like 3 inches long. They look like little awnings. Is it dark under there?

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Isn’t it great that Scrapp is already Muslim? He’s SO gonna hit the ground running in prison.

See y’all next week!