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There comes a time in the life of every reality show when its producers decide to abandon reality lite in favor of wholesale mythology. Love and Hip Hop Atlanta has chosen Season 5 to make this transition, offering us drama that’s about as real as the odds of Tammy Rivera having a successful fashion line. That is to say, completely and totally fictional.

Episode 2 opens with Tiarra, aka Scrapp’s baby mama and fuckpuppet, showing up to Mimi’s all-white affair to nosh with Tommie, aka Scrapp’s girlfriend. Tiarra is relaying her life and times working at one of the country’s biggest firms (read: Hooters) when Tommie starts needling her about when she has time to raise her kids. The joke’s on Tiarra - Tommie announces she raises Tiarra’s kids, when she’s not sittin’ on Scrapp’s dack. Nicca eww.  He look like he got barrettes down there. Voices are raised and windmillin’ commences. I would judge, but I fought a chick on the escalator of a Georgia Avenue Metro station in the early aughts, so I’ll make like everyone else at the party and quietly look away.

This senseless mollywopping was coordinated by Scrapp’s mom KK, who is determined to get Tiarra out of Scrapp’s life. In a sitdown later on, we learn that rather than dog murder (!) being at the root of the beef, the real tee is KK went on the run following some fuckness involving her comb-free sons, and Tiarra was talkin’ to polices. Ma’am I’m less bothered by her snitching and more unsettled by your septugenarian fugitive status.

While KK is senior thuggin’,  Mimi is moving and needs Stud Bae, Ariane and Ariane’s Shirley Chisholm wig to help her pack. Ariane is asking Mimi whether she’s a lesbun, when Stud Bae interjects that she is spiritually male, making Mimi in fact, heterosexual. Ho saddown, you got fibroids and a half-used box of tampons in your glove compartment like the rest of us. Witcha Uptown Funk lookin’ ass. Word on the skreetz of Atlanta is that Mimi has been samplin’ heaux for the last four summers. Whateva, her shoulders too pointy for her to join #TeamLesbun frfr.

“Yung” Joc and Scrappy’s Z-level storyline continued this week with a model call for Scrappy’s new agency Grustle Girls. Oh OK. Scrappy spends most of the time arguing with Kirk, who has shown up to put Mama Dee on blast about last week’s confrontation/senior moment at Rasheeda’s store. Scrappy’s still pissed Kirk wasn’t a character witness at his hearing. Kirk’s like *Kanye shrug* and the friendship ends.


Meanwhile, Joc is in the corner whispering sweet nothings in the ear of Scrappy’s assistant. This ninja must be a jedi because I swear his fade don’t even blend, yet he stay finding a sponsor or a couch to sleep on. White Jaysus be a Jennifer’s Convertible.

Continuing the LGBT angle Mona Scott is exploiting exploring this season, this episode introduced us to D. Smith, a gorgeous Grace Jones lookalike who is also the series’ first out male-to-female trans person. I say first “out” because, you know, Joseline. She walks in a charity fashion show and Tammy is smitten enough to ask her to model her clothing. Enter D. Smith’s annoying friend Betty Idol who spills tea on some homophobic comments Tammy’s hubs Waka Flocka made in the past. Naturally Smith thinks it’s a good idea to bring Tammy and Betty together for drinks, leading to a clash of the titans that provides next episode’s cliffhanger: How many facial bones did Tammy break when she rained wine glasses and fury on that child’s head? We’ll have to wait until next week to see.

In the meantime, I’ve been doing some math. This Betty Idol is a musician (?) working with Scrappy.  Scrappy tries to sleep with everyone he “works” with. Ergo, he’s gonna try to sleep with Betty. Meaning, at some point this season he’s gonna go reachin’ for a hot pocket and turn up a half smoke.


And then, if I don’t miss my guess, his neck is gonna explode.  Am I right #ornawl?