Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Ep. 2: The Cast Members You Don't Care About

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This is a day late and a dollar short, but I'm Black. Sue me.

Much like any great series, there are episodes of a show that feature tremendous highs and also those that are intended to move you from point A to point B. Episode of 2 of LHHH was the latter. In this episode we were treated to the stories of people we all realize we won't care about. Ever.

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To be fair, this cast has quite the ensemble of interesting individuals as principals so the extras (see Nikki, Masika, Yung Berg, Hazel E, Fizz's boo whose name eludes me though I want to call her Rosa or NOBODY SOLVES A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA! or Liz or something) do come off as merely sideshows to the grandiosity of Teairra Marie, Moniece, and Ray J DA GAWD aka The Table. Soulja Boy does seem primed to provide us some full scale shenanigans seeing as he teeters on that crackhead who got the greatest hit ever and has yet to come down from the high line. His boo, Nia aka Chin Music, seems nice enough, but she also seems a bit out of her league here. She has a bit of common sense though seriously dating DeAndre Way calls into question much of that assumption.

Anyway, in episode 2, we were treated to the storyline of Nikki who is PIZZAID, and manages some strip clubs in LA. She's got a donk for the ages and was dating some dude named Mally Mall who apparently has produced hits for lots of people you know but probably don't listen to at this juncture of your tenure on Earth. Look, its not that I don't think their on-again, off-again love isn't important. Quite the contrary; what the world needs now, is love sweet love. I just don't give a shit that Mally Mall has taken to dating some chick named Masika and Nikki has feelings about it. If I never saw either of them again I'd live. I swear VH1, I'd live.

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Same with Yung Berg and Hazel-E, a tale as old as time. We've already determined that Yung Berg might be the least likable person in the Black community. Enter his boo Hazel E, a rapper you will never listen to, is in love with Yung Berg and wants them to focus on "us". Berg reminds her how he rolls by indicating that he has a different girl every day of the week, doubles up on Saturday, and chills on Sunday because its the Sabbath. Holy are you. He informs her that she's in that number like saints who've gone marching in.

DESPITE HIM TELLING HER THIS (and clearly not for the first time), she maintains that she wants him to "get her right". I don't typically condone victim blaming, but in this case, whatever transpires from here out on out is her fault. Look, the first rule of niggadom is what? Class? Bueller?

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Niggas gon' nig.

Berg has indicated that he will nig until he can't nig no more. She threatens to take the box away and because he is indeed a nigga he's like, "cool, let's work on us". A completely 180 from 2 mintues prior where he's like, "we good." Cut away to him telling us, ya know, privately, that she can't take the box away so he'll play this game with her. Why does a nigga who claims to experience no less than 7 different a week feel some type of way about one particular woman keeping him from the cookies? One will never know. But he isn't the first and won't be the last. Because why?

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Niggas gon' nig.

Speaking of shit that makes no sense, Teairra Marie and Hazel E sit down and talk and Teairra spits that hot fiyah to Hazel insisting that she needs to quit trippin over Berg. Mind you, T. Dot just showed up at Ray J's site launch party and launched a drink at his new girl. Yeah. She's definitely over Ray. That italics indicates sarcasm, by the way. Point is, while I never think that you should shoot the messenger, when the messenger has shot themselves 12 times and tries to give you a message on gun safety, its easy to understand how that message might fall on deaf ears. And speaking of deaf ears.

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Enter Fizz's girlfriend of 2 years, Amanda (I had to look that up). Fizz wants her to step up into more of a family role and move in to help take care of his son with the woman who scares me, Moniece. So this is interesting. Fizz has been dating Amanda for two years. That is a very long damn time. Cameron is four. Moniece has never met Amanda. Look, I understand it can take a long time to intro the two love interests. But they've never once even seen each other? How you not gon' let the mother know who is around her kid. Even if she isn't quite a fit mother.  Moniece seems to never see her son, like ever and honestly doesn't seem to broken up about it. She seems more upset that Fizz won't answer her phone calls when she wants (a legit concern) but she seems content with her situation, but wants Amanda to make sure she knows who Cam's mommy is.

Moniece emailed Amanda saying they should meet up. In true "bad decision" form, Amanda is like, cool. I need to know her since I'm in Cameron's life. Look, I love you ladies. But even I know there was no way this was going t go well. Moniece looks like she's from the Slapahoe Tribe, centered in the Wishanigga Woods. The meeting went as expected. Amanda referred to her as crazy because she is. Moniece's angry voice is amazingly calm and articulate. That chick scares me. I also think I love her. And never want to meet her at the same time. Her brand of crazy is the stuff people are always talking about existing but never having really seen…

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…ACTUAL crazy. She seems like she might be a psychopath. Fizz knows what others won't accept. He has seen the glint in her eye. He tells Amanda its a bad idea. Mama knows chile. Mama knows. Every single person who knows Moniece is concerned about her putting them paws on other people which makes me wonder…how many people has she fought? Folks aint just talking, they're legit concerned about police involvement.

Either way, shenanigans ensued. I expect bigger things next week.

It was written.

Episode 1 Recap

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.