Omarion and Apryl Jones ( Jesse Grant/Getty Images)
Once again it's on. My favorite Monday night adventure came through with the boomboompow. We've got at least 2 drinks thrown and it would have been 3 if a certain fake-me-out hoodrat wasn't pregnant and infused with temporary common sense. Temporary.
Because VH1 hates us just a little bit, we had no Ray J sightings on this episode and considering how a solid 98 percent of us watch because we want to see Ray J Da Gawd do Ray J Da Gawd things, this was a bit of a letdown…at first. But where there are more than two hoodrats gathered in ratchets name, let there be shenanigans. And BITCH YOU GUESSED IT!!
You were right. There were shenanigans.
I'm gonna focus on storylines here since that's what we were presented with.
I still don't give no fucks about Mally Mall, Masika, or Nikki, but VH1 put them on the show and figured we're gonna get some flying champagne out of these broads one way or another. Masika in true yamp fashion, happened to be there for TWO glasses of flying libation. You know how you're not supposed to waste the weed? I truly get pissed when I see people throwing liquor around like that shit is free, b. Liquor costs, mo. It costs. All I'm saying is, when you the type to pour out a lil liquor at high velocity with trajectory, you prolly roll with the TTPOALLAHVWT. That's all I'm saying.
Back to the boring people on the show. Nikki is convinced Mally Mall is her man. Because he's told her so. Masika is also convinced Mally Mall is her man. Because he's told her so. Jesus loves me this I know. Because the Bible tells me so. Do you see where I'm going with these. These motherfuckers need Jesus. Instead of being mad at Mally Mall, they're mad at each other.
Because that's how a lot women do. They don't even know each other but hate one another over a man who is lying to both of them with ease. We have something like 10,000 years of history to support this hypothesis. My man doesn't hesitate or think twice. Which leads me to believe he's the mole. He's a plant. Nobody being filmed for television is this reckless unless your name is Stevie J and your contract obviously stipulates, "be AS ridiculous as possible. Don't raise the bar, realize there is no bar. Live on in shenanigan infamy." I'm pretty sure Stevie J has that last line tatted on his arm.
Anyway, Morgan, "the peacemaker" has the absolutely unbrilliant idea to get Masika and Nikki together, because we all know how peaceful women get when they hate each other over a man that can continue to have them both after the fact. Mona Scott-Young clearly suggested it. In ratchetvision history, has one of these talks EVER gone well? I'll answer that for you: no. So of course they meet up for massages because massages keep people calm according to Morgan, who is a bit shady for showing Masika picures of Nikki before she got all of her plastic surgery. That's not cool, Morgan. Not cool. Her excuse? Both of these girls have the right to know the truth. Huzzah?? Bird logic. Through and through.
They meet up and immediately start talking about who is or isn't Mally Mall's woman. The answer, both of y'all and neither of y'all, but I'm sleep. They go from 0 to 100 nigga real quick (I swear this is the most appropos term for, like, 100 percent of situations with ratchets) and turn their emotions onto hating one another as opposed to being mad about Mally. They legit couldn't care about him in this moment, they just want to fight one another because, what else could possibly happen when a bad decision gets a chance to flourish? Drinks fly. They fight. I still hate them. Le sigh.
Let's move to Yung Berg and Hazel-E. Hazel has moved out of her apartment and into her own spot so now she can get it in with Yung Berg who is earning "keep it real" points by the buckets out here in these streets. She complains about Teairra. Berg is like, "but y'all frenz". Hazel is like, "but if it ain't about her then she don't care". Berg is like "shake something for daddy". Hazel is like "okay." They smash.
She wakes up in the morning (or later, I have no idea) and finds Berg laying on the couch because "I don't do that cuddling sh*t". Because they had sex she tries to corral him into another convo about them being together which Berg responds with some of the realest realness in the history of the real. He let's her know, in NO uncertain terms, "I'm not going to stop fucking other bitches. That's what I do. It's who I am, it's what I'm going to do. If you don't like, you can do what's best for you. But I'm doing me." Berg might be Berg, but my man keeps it emoji-level 100. She wants to go with him to the ASCAP awards, but he's like, "naw #notquitebae, I ain't trynna be on blast with you." He says he ain't bringing no other chick with him which is the laziest foreshadowing in the history of foreheads and shadow. Of course he shows up with another chick, Hazel ends up going with Masika of I Fought Nikki and All I Got Was This Lousy Tshirt And The Same Lying Boyfriend fame, Berg looks half surprised then goes full douche so Hazel does what women who don't listen and don't learn do, she throws a drink on him. Though, I have to say, she kind of sucks at that shit. It looked like the drink barely hit him. Plus he had on all white and she threw some André or something so it ain't even show up. She failed.
Berg basically hit her with the #youmad. He don't care. He's a little too real. Seriously though, I can understand how women get pissed over mixed messages. Berg is leaving NO stone unturned in telling her that she's is merely a friend he smashes. I mean, how fucking delusional can one chick be. Teairra might be a loose canon, but she wasn't wrong. Hazel is the worst version of "the heart wants what the heart wants".
Moving along and quick aside, Fizz and Amanda go on a boat right where we find out that she had some fidelity issues in the past. Every time I see Fizz I feel like it's opposite day. He's the responsible parent with the dead beat momma on the side. His boo cheated on him and has some commitment issues. He's asking her to move in and she's skittish. Da hell? Free Fizz, yo. Amanda might be smart tho. He's asking her to play mommy. I ain't sure she's ready for that.
Speaking of mommies (I don't enjoy talking about nobody's momma but hey) and not being ready, Omarion's momma, Leslie, is the Queen of Shade. I liked how Omarion kinda-sorta stood up to his mother for his woman last episode. He failed this time around. First things first, he meets with his mother to tell her she needs to do better over a shot of some healthy shit; don't ever give me a shot of nothing unless it contains liquor. In so many words, she tells him, and to qoute the Double XX Posse, "no, I ain't gon' be able to do it." She says some dumb shit about Apryl being 10 years older than she was as a mother so she should still be priority number one because Apryl has advantages that she didn't have. But it's his momma and he needs her to be there so he makes the decision to invite her to the baby shower. She says she won't act up.
She acts up.
This woman who I'm sure did the best she could as a 16-year-old mother has the nerve to tell Apryl that she isn't ready to be a mother…becaues she and Omarion argue. At her baby shower. At her house. In her motherfucking establishment. Nigga, I found that logic hard to compute because Omarion's mother looks like an argument. Like if I had to anthropomorphize an argument, it would look like her. (By the way, I'm fully aware that the word I needed to use was personify, but for some reason, I felt like using anthropomorphize. Yes, I keep using that word. It means what I think it means. I just decided to use it wrong because I'm Black and cool enough to do it. Free Meeshie ho.) I swear, on my momma, on my hood, at that point, Omari's mom drew the line in the sand and Omarion should have put her out. He didn't. He just tried to quiet the stomach rumblings and shush them. Can't lie, I felt bad for Apryl at that point. This woman who has all types of Reverse Oedipus Complex issues showed her ass and Omarion let it rock. Momma gotta go. Momma 2k feels like Apryl isn't ready and she's just gon' be dropping her baby off with grandma. Somehow, someway, I'm pretty sure that isn't true. At all. Like in the pantheon of shit that ain't gon' happen…that's top 5 dead or alive, and off one LP. If Apryl wasn't pregnant, drinks would have been thrown.
Next week, more shit happens.