Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Ep. 7 Recap: Why Is Ray J Still Here?

Mike Windle/Getty Images
Mike Windle/Getty Images

Better late than never. But never late is better. But who gives a shit. It's time for a recap of the shenangans courtesy of your favorite cast of misfits strolling the mean streets of Hollywood, CA.


Nearly everybody makes apperances this week: Ray J, Berg, Hazel E, Teirra Mari aka TMurda, Apryl + Omarion + TMI, Omarion's mother with some amazing clarity, Masika and her lips, and Soulja Boy and Teddy Riley chat with Nia.

Let's focus on Ray J for a moment because RRS-ONE came thru like gangbusters on this episode in terms of his Shenanigans Quotient. He's been slacking on his macking. Now is as good a time as ever to point out something I never thought I'd say: I'm so over Ray J at this point. Which is saying something considering he's the reason I was at all interested in this version of Love & Hip Hop. I truly wouldn't give a shit if Ray J never made an appearance again. He's a bitch. He's petty. He's got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much pride. Everybody who tries to be there for him and help him is met with the greatest wall China never built. For instance…Ray J, while doing his ever amazing mental gymnastics blames Yesi for his having to fire Morgan. In his mind, Morgan would be his little do-girl if other folks would just stay out of his way. But Yesi exerted mind control over Morgan so Ray does what Ray does…he rolls up into the radio station and attempts to argue with Yesi.

For the record, rolling into a privately-owned entity is never a good idea. It's a worse idea if you're Ray J and you have zero chill and think the world actually does revolve around you. They argue. Ray J gets carried out by security. Interestingly, the terrible people at VH1 tried to make it feel like that was the incident that got Ray hemmed up by the police this past summer and it wasn't. Ray did kick out a police car window because of course he did. He needs help. Everybody wants him to get help. Ray says, "fuck yo' fort, cuz." Ray literally blames EVERYBODY else for his fuckups. Nothing is his fault. Not. One. Thing. Even his acknowledgement of fucking up is tempered with the fact that its because of others actions. What a dolt.

Teairra Mari decides (based on the advice of Ray's business manager - seriously, everybody around Ray J is a bad choice factory) to go see about Ray J because she still cares (understandable) and is worried about him because he seems to have lost his mind. Ray does Ray things and makes her feel stupid for even being there. He basically tells her she was just a chick he was seeing when he was seeing her. Yo, in the realm of worst shit you can ever hear, that has to be it. Nothing hurts worse than hearing somebody reduce you to a sideshow. Clearly she wasn't, but Ray is off that sauce and is going out of his way to be a dickhead. I felt bad for her and given her propensity for Optimal Paw Placeage on folks, I'll give her a solid 9 for showing restraint.

Point is, I now hate Ray J.

Let's talk about Omarion and his penis. Pause. Eh, pause again for good measure. It is (was) uncircumcised. How do I know this? Because Apryl points it out while talking about getting their son circumcised and the sex they have that hurts her because it isn't…which is something I didn't know. I had no idea that turtleneck dudes brought the pain. The more you known. *ding* Anybody care to discuss this? Of course you do. Point is, I did not need to know ANY OF THAT SHIT.


Anyway, they're talking about his momma (again) and how he wants his mother to apologize which is a lot like asking for an ice cube in hell. Momma shows up and ice cubes. Hell. She is like "naw, bitch I said naw." But then in a move that nobody sees coming, she actually shows some humanity and clarity of thought in terms of why she doesn't feel like Apryl is ready. I still don't like this woman. But they hug it out (bitch) and in an amazing twist, Apryl invites her to be there at the birthing of their son…something she told Omarion to tell his mother she couldn't do THAT he told his mother she could'nt do. Chicks yo…you put my man in a terrible spot THEN go undo it? So he's the bad guy. Granted, Apryl and Leslie need a healing but still.

Aight..let's see…Nia is ready for Soulja Boy to meet her dad since they're finna move in and what not and henceforth. Turns out, aside from I'm guessing Cam's father…I hope, Mr. New Jack Swing hasn't ever met another dude…odd since these niggas been dating for like 8 years, which means since Soulja Boy was 16. Off and on. Now I'm no expert but I read a lil bit. Soulja Boy has been linked to and dated any number of women to include Kat Stacks. Their "offs" must have been significant as shit. Of course, she also had a kid on one of their offs too so I guess samesies. Anyway, Soulja Boy meets Mr. Blackstreet and they talk and was it me or was Soulja Boy sounding amazingly…articulate. He's not the most well spoken fellow on the planet but he definitely had subject-verb agreement going on and was speaking clearly and deliberately. Kind of impressed me. I think I just experienced whiteness for a moment. They talk, Soulja says what he needs to and does seem genuine though we all know this man's life is a party non-stop. But he gets "look the part despite a face full of tattoos" points. Teddy told him to show and prove. DeAndre alleges to be willing to do so.


Yo…let me say right now how I'm really missing My Bae Moniece. I'm having Moniece withdrawals. Moving on.

Berg is working with Teairra and seems to think he can take her to the top of the charts. We all know this is a lie, but what is artistry without idealism, ya know? He starts flirting and I feel like he's two seconds from asking if there's anymore room in her jeans. He touches her leg and starts talking that pimp talk. She seems unphased. For whats its worth, the song didn't sound terrible. Just not good. Or not like anything that's truly going to change the game. Then I remembered, written and produced by Yung Berg and sung by Teairra Mari. Silly of me to have expectations. Free Meeshie, ho. Cut to Hazel spitting these DUMB ass lyrics at the studio where Masika hears them and is like, "this bitch is crazy". It's an ode to Yung Berg. Of course, he's going to be excited to hear it.


Of course he is.

Wonder what happened.

Berg and Hazel meet up in a car (I'm not sure whose car this was, maybe the producers just made "car" a location shoot)…anyway, she plays the song, Berg is like what the fuck is this bullshit. Stop lying to yourself. You're not my bitch. (His words, not mine). This amazingly seems to hit Hazel E like a ton of bricks. Even if you TRY to feel sorry for her, the delusion she exhibits is "NIH Grant in the Psychology of Delusion" worthy. I swear this chick has a Berg Block in her head that translates all of his clear statements into those of love and admiration. Nothing else explains her fuckery. For the first time though, Yung Berg Da Gawd (he stole Ray's title), starts to show kinks in the "Just keeping it real" armor and starts being…petty and childish. Berg was so trill with it before, being on the up and up and straight talk. She tries to jump across the car, security jumps in. He gets out of the car and dumps her purse out then walks off. Again…WHOSE CAR IS THIS THAT THEY'RE IN????? They just gon' leave it? Seriously, tho, why would she think that making a song ABOUT HIM would be smart. This is not a smart woman. He also plays her life by telling (the truth) the audience (us) that while they were fucking, it made some sense to try to make her a star. Now that they're not, he's calling it for what it is, she's got less talent than Lil Wayne has worries.


Next week: Fizz and Amanda take a break. Amanda and My Bae Moniece meet up and Moniece begins what looks to be a slow walk towards murdering Amanda. Damn, I love that woman.

Oh, and more shit happens.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.


God Shammgod

1) Mo to tha…Niece to tha….I'm ready for her to be the star we all know she can be. I said from day 1 that she is the true threat. I'm glad to see my prophecy is being fulfilled in spades. (Note: I own Moniece's glasses. I don't know what this says about me.)
2) What is it with chicks in love and hip hop just staying idle when their nemesis is making obvious fight preparation motions? What did Moniece need to do for ole girl to get the hint, grab some vaseline?
3) Omari-mommmas apology was just coated in shade. "You are my son's first child's mother" has to be the shadiest statement said since Kelly Rowland declared she was the "2nd lead vocalist".
4)Ray J and Teairri Mari are giving us functional alcoholics a bad name and I'm not here for it. *slams down wine in anger*
5)Ray J actually brings up a philosophical question: If a relationship is in a forest, and no one is around to hear it…does it make a sound?
6)I don't think there's a heterosexual man on God's green earth that hasn't done the "unecessary contact to see if she pulls back or gives me the green light to go all in" move that Berg tried to go with.
7) I need these women to get a dictionary and read what success really means. Making money for your enemy's family's rental property - or alternately, letting a lightskint Yoshi lookalike sagging skinny jeans know how much you hurt him via hot (well…) 16 - ain't it.
8) I take back all my criticisms about Soulja Boy. He would be the perfect boyfriend, simply because that Negro is incapable of telling a proper lie.
9) Speaking of Soulja Boy, word on the street is that both him and Teddy Riley engaged in shenanigans with the infamous Karrine Steffans. How you eskimo brothers with your girl's dad yo?

**starts organizing the Moneice Slaughter fan club**