VH1 screenshot

Guess who's back, back again. PJ's back; tell a friend. And not only am I back (PLUS two days late and two dollars short), so is Love & Hip Hop Hollywood and our favorite ridiculous reality show characters including, but not limited to: Ray J, Teairra Mari (aka TMurda), #baeMoniece, Apryl and Omarion, Hazel E, Nikki (why?), Princess and Ray J's shenanigans. On this first episode we got all of those people plus the addition of some new cast members Miles and Milan (who is a guy) and some ri-damn-diculous new chick named Amber who claims to be the hottest rap bitch in the streets.

We need to institute a moratorium on "hottest rap bitches" STAT. Mostly because nearly every woman to say thisā€¦isn't. They tend to be the unhottest. Dare I call them, the coldest? But not in the Chicago way where cold means hot. You know what, slanguage is confusing. No wonder why so many of my coworkers are familiar with UrbanDictionary.com. But we'll get back to Amber. Let's start at the beginning.

Season 2 opens up with pals Teairra, Moniece, and Apryl (who is lookin' oh so good, good job Omarion) sitting on a beach, probably in the middle of the day on a Tuesday since none of them have jobs to support the lifestyles they can't afford. We know Moniece is broke, but I'm guessing those VH1 checks are payin' the r-r-r-rent, even if they're not covering Cam's child care expenses. ZING! They're all sitting there shooting the breeze talking about who's over who. Tea-Tea is over Ray, Moniece has a new (not so) secret boo, and Apryl and Omarion are chugging along. Apryl is going to have a pamper party for all of these super hard working women she knows and she's going to invite Princess as well.

Ruh-roh. Every time Tea-Tea and Princess are in the same place, them hands get to throwin'. Or at least SOMETHING gets thrown: drinks, clothes, accusationsā€¦pretty much anything but love. Which seems like will be the case here because over the past year Ray J and Princess had that thing in New Orleans where she was accused of like breaking his rib and tearing his MCL or something. I remember this vaguely. To clear it upā€¦let's cut to Ray J!

Ray opens up telling us about how Princess moved out and he wants her back. Some stuff happened in New Orleans where Princess basically took the rap for him. She's ride or die! You remember how NFL veteran Chris Carter got in trouble with the world for telling rooking NFL players that every crew needs a fall guy? Well, Princess was the fall guy for Ray since he was on probation. Despite her better sense, she agrees to talk to him to find out why he won't do right by her. Apparently, and this make sense in a Ray J kind of way, while Ray was on his way to get her some food in New Orleans, he ended up at a strip club, shenanigans ensued and them thangs started flying. Or something. Princess just wants to know who Ray is, because the person she knows isn't who he's turned into.

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Let me just go ahead and call bullshit here. I don't know Ray J at all. I'd party with that dude in a heartbeat #doe.Ā However, in the over 18 years (!!!!!!) that I've known of Ray J's existence, a few trends have, how shall we say, manifested themselves. Ray likes to party. He fancies himself to the be the king of the turn up. Much like many other people I know, Ray turns left when he should right, nearly all the time. Hell, even his character on Moesha did that. He is a walking, talking embodiment of not giving a fuck. This is why Teairra, who seems to know this man better than anybody, realized at some point she had to let go despite loving him so much. So this Ray that Princess is talking about? Shit, we didn't even see him LAST season. Ray's entire life could be summed up by the word shenanigans. That is his thing. It's what he does.

Ray apparently has an entire apartment dedicated to this fuckery PURELY for the purposes of being himself. Ray comes across as one of those dudes who sounds so sincere to women that they're going to believe him as they follow him to the strip club where he tells her she can't come in. Ray even seems to call his apartment APT for party purposes!! Princess asks Ray to get rid of his apartment. He's likeā€¦"fuck that apartment if it will bring you home". Awww. So what does Ray do?

He does Ray J things and has a "final" party at his APT with strippers and miscreants, etc. Of course Princess finds out because Ray didn't tell her and she shows up, her and Ray argue about. She claims to be done and some chick talks about her, people get tossed around. Usual shit. Maybe, Princess is done. Thing is, I'm kind of with Ray on this one. Perhaps he should have told her - actually, he should have told her - but a final send off is warranted. It's like burning the mortgage or that last naked romp through the house before you move on to your new life. And of course, Princess being doneĀ pretty much ensures that Ray will keep this apartment. Which is cool since I'm trying to attend on of those parties when I'm in LA.

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Hazel E. Eh, she's just in this first episode so she won't get fined. But she introduces us to Milan (why is this man's name Milan? There's almost no good reason for this man's name to be Milan) who is a "hot" music producer whose "bae" ain't acting right. You knowĀ that awesome literary device calledĀ foreshadowing? Yeah, the fact that Hazel keeps referring to Milan's boo as bae as opposed to his girl or by name kind of lets you know what's about to go down. Plus, I watched the supertrailer; I already KNOW what's the haps on the snaps.

Milan is working in the studio with Miles who is his secret lover (that's what they are). Milan has comeĀ out about his sexuality, Miles is not. Miles - an aspiring rapper - is afraid that coming out and being boothangs publicy with Milan will ruin his careerā€¦which is odd sinceā€¦

ā€¦he's on Love & Hip Hop Hollywood. Everybody knows now. But maybe he realized that if he can't catch these rap checks, these reality show checks will suffice. Also, he's not a particularly good rapper, but sounds like everybody else out nowaday who has a song you'd hear without ever caring who sings it. Their storyline will involve a constant struggle to be free as a couple. Seriously though, Milan? That reminds me of my homegirl's next door neighbor in ATL way back when who changed his name from Kevin to Kiven. Oy vey.

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Y'all know I love Moniece and would likely make terrible decisions for her. This is contagious as it seems that crazy-chick magnet (he might need to teach a class on this) Rich Dollaz is Moniece's secret boo! This would be a surprise if Instagram, Twitter, or TMZ didn't exist. But they do, so its not. He shows up to LA for a week and she's giddy like a school girl. They will have crazy people sex. With grills. The type you put in your mouth.Ā This could be a pun.

Let's circle back to Princess and TMurda. At Apryl's pamper party, they meet, officially, and Teairra ends up giving PrincessĀ relationship advice in regards to Ray. Princess cries, Teairra gives her a hug. Could this be the start of a beautiful friendship. Of course not, the trailer for the season shows that, true to form, hands will be thrown. Teairra Mari is a consistentĀ presence. Where there is Tea-Tea, shenanigans are not far behind.

Omarion is performing at a clearly staged show to have a reason to have anybody speak to Nikki who is hawking a new lingerie line that Apryl will need because her and Omarion's sex life is suffering. To combat this, Apryl shows up to Omari's practice studio and gets all kinky for her man and they smash in a dressing room. I'm a fan of theirs. They're here for the checks, not the interpersonal drama. More of them please. Though Omarion tells us that "Post To Be" topped the charts like he had the number one single in the country. I still love this song for grocery reasonsĀ but yeah, I checked this. It topped the "Rhythmic" chart, one you didn't know existed, because it's not the R&B chart, or pop chart, or top 40. No, the Rhythmic chart. But hey, claim your win, b. Claim your win.

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Oh, and back to Amber who let's us know how fabulous she is. This is why I hate when folks point out how fab they are, it makes you pay extra attention to see if they're not. She doesn't seem fabulous at all. She just seems like an also-ran who got onto the show for who knows why reasons. Maybe she occupied the slot left open by Berg. Who knows. Either way, she's "dating" Miles, who as we know is in love with somebody else who also has a girl's name, but isn't a girl. She feels he's been distant; he asks her for time to figure it out. She is apparently none the wiser. They're both trash rappers though, that cannot be emphasized enough. Obviously, their love life will be a thing over this season.

Pretty slow first episode but as we all know, where there is Teairra and Ray, there will be troubles. And as long as Moniece is around, I've had a good week. The "upcoming season" trailer at the end of the show has this season looking like straight fireworks. I can't decide if we're better or worse off because of this. Only time will tell.

Until next week.

Groceries.