VH1

Our favorite dirty rotten scoundrels from Hollywood are back for another fun-filled episode of shenanigans and nincompoopery. Honestly, this episode was pretty boring by industry standards. Nary a drink was thrown though the drinks will definitely fly soon as we are treated to the wonderful world of Soulja Boy and Nia, who, if you'll remember, had some troubles last year with the lifestyle that Soulja Boy was leading. Basically, Nia wanted him to turn down, and he was like #ornah. They're still together though and trying to make it work. Clap for 'em.

See, it seems that Soulja is convinced more than ever that Nia is his main woman for the long haul. But he's also about that away life, and almost seems believe that any woman dating him, or any man who is on the road like that, should also know what it is. She doesn't have to like it or accept it, she just knows that she does not own the exclusive rights to his dingaling. You'd think this would be an issue, except later in this episode, Nia pretty much says the same thing. Or at least acknowledges that she's secure in her relationship even though she knows what the game is. How (or why?) does this even all come up?

Enter Nas. And no, this isn't God's Son. This is a "lava-headed chick "as the Plastique Nikki called her, who is apparently in an on again, off again relationship with one DeAndre Way aka Soulja Boy. She apparently has modeling chicks and Nikki and Teairra are trying to put together some fashion show thingy to promote their lingerie lines or something. Despite this being a thing, the only chick we see at their shoot is Amber of Fab Ab rap fame. Except by fame, I mean anonymity. But let's back up. So they meet with Nas and they get to talking about relationships and she drops that her and Soulja are still getting their shellack on, as recently as two weeks ago. She seems to know that he has a woman since, well, it's her former best friend (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Let's just say this: this storyline is dumb. Like, they're only here to fill time. Nia knows Soulja is out there getting it. Her and Nas aren't friends anymore, probably because of him. But somehow they end up beefing at freakin' yoga and Nas has to get carried away. I just spent 400 words writing about something that literally made me yawn. Let's move on to better shit.

Moniece and Richie D. What an odd couple, especially since they seem to be in two different relationships and on two different planets. See, Rich is on Earth, and Moniece is on some new planet that has yet to be discovered. He's in town for a week and she's trying to get him to stay forever and have them move in together. Apparently they've been dating (read Facetiming) for like 7 months and I'm guessing catching each other on one-offs here and there. Well she wants him permanently, which to be fair, isn't an unreasonable request coming from normal people. He sets up a nice dinner and in the course of 2 minutes she brings up meeting her family and her son and asks him for a vasectomy.

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Bruh.

Rich is like, I'm just trying to eat dinner and smang and now you got my weeny on flaccid. I've said how much I enjoy Moniece and how I'd probably try to holler. That's like 90 percent jokes. This episode is proof positive. That woman is certifiable. I mean, yes, we already knew that. But the things she says and the seriousness with which she says them, it's like in her mind, she's seen that relationship through and Rich is more or less like, I'm trying to see how this shit goes. I'm sure the sex is banoodles because she seems like she's the owner of Awesome Box, Inc. But that comes with a price. And that price is her earnest whims of forever. Again, two different planets. I don't care much for Rich, but I actually fear for his life because we don't actually know what she's capable of.

Then again, you can't go asking a woman to cover up a tattoo without some strings attached. And because its Rich, he has an issue with a tat she has that's of her first love. He wants it gone. In return, she wants him to never leave LA and move in and plant a garden of lilac and truffles of butter. I made most of that up, but she does think they should move in. I think they need Jesus. Same thing if you think about it.

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Miles and Milan (who is not a girl) are the couple in private but publicly just two dudes hanging out. They hang at strip clubs and shit, and Milan wants more. Miles keeps running that "I'm not ready" game. Now, I know this is edited for entertainment, but if I'm Miles, I'm tired of having that convo everyday. Repeating how much you are annoyed by it ain't gon' make me change my mind. Either you deal or don't. Which goes both ways. They both need to have a very real convo about where they are or where they're going and made hard decisions because of it because I'm tired of it and its only two episodes in. Milan is ready for a family. Miles ain't. I don't even see how this keeps being a thing. Somebody has to move on at some point. Miles also apparently stepped in as a father figure to Amber's daughter and still does things with her in such capacity. That's cute and gives me all the feels. However, couching your inability to be fully integrated into a relationship with your boo because of how others may view you means you need not be in a relationship at all, b.

I'm boring myself because these people bore me. Let's talk about Ray J.

You know, I'm not sure Ray has any redeeming qualities. Which is hard for me to say because I want to like him. He seems fun. But it also seems like the more we see of him the less fun he seems and the more terrible he is. He is the KING of "that wasn't my intent". No matter how much damage he does, he doesn't feel like he should be held to it because he wasn't trying to cause pain. With that being said, T-Murda and Princess meet up for drinks and Princess really seems like she thinks she has a friend now. She's getting advice on Ray from T-Murda and doesn't realize that T-Murda is an evil woman trapped inside a bigger than she was last season woman's body. She has some sort of malice in her soul and wants to hurt Ray (who has done plenty of hurtful things to her) and Princess it seems. Poor Princess is looking like the girl who just needs a hug, but Teairra put a battery in her back and got her ready to buck at Ray who seems to also be a controlling douche on top of a terrible human.

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Apparently, he just wants his women in the house or where he is when he wants her there. As she's preparing to meet Teairra and go to a Drake party, Ray pulls up and tells her to go change clothes and that she ain't going. She leaves (thank goodness) and next thing we see is Ray and Teairra meeting up as Ray is upset that she's been talking to Princess. Teairra thinks she's getting an apology but of course she isn't. This is Ray J. They speak and then when they leave Ray is like, "if I call you again, will you come to me?" WTF. That boy needs therapy in the most sincere fashion.

As far as the first two episodes go, I can't say they've been that interesting thus far. I'd say its because I'm growing up but we all know that's not true.

Step it up VH1. I'm getting bored. And if I'm bored, I can't see a single reason why anybody else is watching this shit.