I can't lie to y'all. This season has been a bit of a snoozefest for me so far. So much so that I somewhat dreaded writing this recap. So much so more so than the previous so much so that it's Monday, the NEW episode is coming on tonight and I'm mostly writing this so I don't have to write a joint episode. Plus, I don't want history to call me a lie when I say out loud at some point that I've recapped all the episodes of this show. There's always that one person present who remembers more about things on VSB than I do who manages to shut me down and borrow my credibility.
So let's talk about the non-sense that is Lil Fizz. First, Fizz is an idiot. I think we can all agree here. He went from being the dude most of us could sympathize with to the one that many of started to loathe. Between his doofy smile and assumed ladies-man-ness (he is definitely not a ladies man), Fizz kind of started to seem like a simp. Which brings us to this episode, where Fizz has been dating some chick named…(hold while I go google this chicks name)…do you know this chick ain't even make the cast list on VH1's LHHH page?
Turns out her name is Kamiah. She's a very pretty girl, though her "confessional" shots - you know the ones where she's explaining whats happening on screen - don't look nearly as good as she does when she's just on-camera. Anyway, Kamiah and Fizz have been dating. Or at least she feels this to be the case; Fizz seems to think that they're just…kickin' it. Now look, I understand that two people can be on different pages which is why communication is important. And if that communication hasn't happened appropriately - usually at the male behest - there are cues a woman can look to that would seem to indicate what's really happening. Some women can't read though and tend to make shit up and determine that based on their non-scientific analysis of things that never happened, that they're definitely dating. These women are delusional.
On the other end of the spectrum we have Kamiah who has met Fizz's mother, family, and kid and to whom he has given a key to stay at his place while he was away. Which, why? If y'all are just kickin' it, why are you allowing her to stay in your space when she presumably lives in the same city that you live in. Fizz returns from out of town to probably make a stop and do the club circuit Yung Berg was doing which included stops in cities like Spokane, Scranton, PA, and like, Morgantown, WV…you know, where the money is. Anyway, she apparently rearraged his furniture, which, I can't lie would piss me off to no end and left her "lady things" in his place, which is understandable. But this gets to the "what are we doing?" question she has while they're out wall climbing.
Fizz, in his inept brilliance, then refers to her as an appetizer. I'm no expert on woman (though I play one on TV) but calling a woman an appetizer seems like about the third worst thing you can call her behind a non-motherfcuking factor and a cunt. Obviously, Kamiah is nonplussed and is like "peace."
What else happened? Oh, Nia and Soulja Boy. So Nas, who Soulja is apparently constantly messing with he's with Nia, who is either in or isn't in a relationship with him - one can really never tell considering how much fucking around young DeAndre seems be doing - is really pissed because this girl used to be her friend. But apparently they stopped being friends many moons ago and shit. They get into at a restaurant where it seems like Nas drops a few heat rocks on Nia evidenced by the fact that Nia did not clap back at those allegations and just hit her with the "you right so I'm gon' stay silent on that" face while launching into the "you ain't shit bitch" line of arguing. Apparently Nia and Nas have a thing for fucking each other's menfolks. Nia used to smash and dash on two of Nas's exes and well you we know that Nas is smanging Soulja Boy who hasn't denied that he's doing it but really wants her to stay in her lane, which for my money, is a reasonable request. Nia has already acknowledged that she knows he's going to do what he's going to do but at the end of the day he's hers.
Oh, this is a good time to do this: I say it too but I'd like to impose a moratorium on niggas and our usage of "At the end of the day…" These at-the-end-of-the-day-face-ass-niggas said that so much on this episode that I was ANNOYED to high hell. I get it, it sounds deeper like we're making some conclusion based on what we know to be true, but at the end of the day, we need a new phrase. Hazel E (who is still here so she won't get fined) and T-Murda hug it out and then she (Hazel) meets up with Milan to talk about he and Miles dating and her and Tea-Tea's meeting. Both of them niggas threw that phrase around like they get royalties from its usage.
So let's talk about Milan who thinks Miles is cheating on him because he won't fully commit. Actually who cares. Let's talk about what really gave me heart palpitations. These two ducksauce ass niggas start arguing about Miles possible infidelity, which is a fair accusation considering how distant he's been, and he takes offense to it (of course he does) and is like, "fuck this, I'm out" and drops a damn glass full of red Kool-Aid (it was probably not Kool-Aid but some pomegranate nectar blood orange crush juice) on my man Milan's (who is not a girl named Milan) hardwood floors. AND MILAN DID NOT EVEN GET UP!!!!!!
Nigga. Is it alright if I call you nigga? Cool. Nigga.
If you ever in your niggardly ass life think you gon' intentionally break a glass full or red or pomegranate Kool-Aid on my hardwood floors and not catch an eye jammy, youse a fuckin' fool. There was a time where I'm pretty sure that was a declaration of war.
You're breaking my fine chinas AND fuckin' up my motif??? And Milan got white furniture. You know there was splashage. There are few things for which I wish a nigga would. This is one of those things. I wish a nigga would think they gon' do that. I drop all my pennies in fountains wishing niggas would do things like this just so I can prove myself accurate about what I think I'd do. Youse a nigga for that one, Miles. A bitch ass nigga. I don't ever want to see this nigga in real life, fam.
I'm sure there are other stories worthy of note, but let's focus on this last one that nobody cares about: the craziest bird alive Brandi and her husband "the hottest producer in LA" Max Lux. I read his credits. He's got work, but hottest in LA? I'll let the LA folks fight it out. More importantly, his chick is batshit crazy. But he married her. Somehow he thinks that inciting a crazy chick to in-fact apply her crazy is a good idea. This broad has admitted to stalking, lying, and even faking herself as a delivery driver delivering pizza to get into a studio session to wreak havoc and catch her man fucking up…which he likes to do.
This chick has enlisted Nikki to help her sneak in on her man at the studio. Brandi has already copped to dressing in all black like a member of the special-ops to spy on her man. Yo, real question: what in the FUCK would make you stay with a woman like that? That pussy must actually cook, clean, and read to the kids at night. It must be bathed in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and and sing "we could do whatever you like" at set intervals during the day. It must smell of sweet petunia and sell dreams made of lavender and myrrh. I've dated crazy women before; it's kind of my thing, but none of them admitted it. Nor were they proud of it. You can't date a woman who doesn't see playing Spy Games with her love life as a problem. And you definitely can't marry her. But this dude does and seems to enjoy it enough to keep pushing the limits…such as: not wearing his wedding ring, which incites his wife to come gunnin' for him. She seems to relish catching this dude doing exactly what he relishes doing, getting caught. So maybe they belong together…
…but VH1 that's no excuse for forcing me to watch their shenanigans. Especially when Brandi's claim to fame is being Whitney Houston's god daughter.
Who cares, b? Who cares.