VH1 screenshot

I can't lie to y'all, my boredom level with this season has potentially reached its zenith. I don't know if this means I'm finally growing up or if this cast of characters has run its course in my life. How did I realize this, you (didn't) ask? I had to watch this episode twice because I literally couldn't remember a single thing about the episode yesterday when I sat down to write my recap. Do you know how painful it was to watch this shit twice? I don't think you do. Don't you ever in your life say that I didn't care about you.

For real for real.

But I did watch it twice and even now I'm struggling to remember shit. So let's just address things that I do remember (and hopefully it will have covered it all, mmkay?)

Advertisement

Poor Princess. I pretty much couldn't stand her last season and now I actually feel bad for her. First, her man was Ray J (though apparently their engaged now in real life). I wouldn't wish that shit on anybody, but alas, she put in years. For two, consider that she didn't really know anybody else on the cast like that…BECAUSE SHE WAS DATING RAY J and he had her cooped up in the house reading thotzines and presumably surfing the web for "Ray J successes" which I imagine would take a really long time.

To double back on that, I think I legit hate Teairra Marie now. She is a bad person. She is the epitome of "if I can't be happy, nobody will be happy". I can't believe I defended this yamp. Princess actually thought she had a friend in all her naivete and Teairra saw this weakness and pounced on it and did everything she could to break up she and Ray, all while pretending that Princess - not Ray - was the problem. The fact that she actively wanted to sabotage their relationship over a man she swears she doesn't want is just wrong. Then to run that shit (during the day party where they all met up to party and talk and where Moniece's feisty fighting ass pretended like she's above putting hands on anybody) about how she couldn't kick a woman while she was down which is why she was a voice of reason and even gave the crying Princess a hug at the pamper party, really annoyed me. I can't believe that Princess made me care.

I wish a pox on you T-Murda. There's a reason your music career is trash. It is because you are trash. You want to piss all over somebody who has legit screwed you over? Fine. Make Ray's life hell. But why are you trying to destroy Princess. Those tears? They won't dry on their own. They were real. Princess's feelings were actually hurt. The fact that Teairra really thinks Princess deserves it is beyond me. Oh well, when this show gets cancelled because we're all bored, Teairra will fade right back into where she belongs…bolivion.

Advertisement

Let's see…Miles is still struggling to tell his ex-boo Amber-of-Strong-Jawline that he's gay and in a relationship with Milan (who is a boy). He's going through it. Cool. But really I have a question for y'all that's way more important than Miles coming out to the world.

Do y'alls churches be open during the day like that so anybody can walk in off the street? On this episode, Miles walks into his church (can't remember the name of it, but its in Lynwood) during the middle of the day with Bible in hand, I'm guessing to pray about what he needs to do. And my only thought was, do non-Catholic churches really leave their doors open like that for anybody to come and do that? My church definitely locked its doors after everybody left. I know this because I used to lock the doors myself on occasion. And here Miles is rollin' all willy nilly into the church at like 2pm on a Wednesday. Does that really happen? If I roll to my local church right now and the doors are locked I might lowkey be upset. To me it makes sense to lock the doors; you can't have folks up in there with no supervision jacking hymnals, MLK church fans, and tithes and offering envelopes. The printing costs on those things must be astronomical over the course of the year. Speaking of printing costs but not at all…

Willie's wife REALLY wants to get on that pole. And not Willie's. Like the stripper pole to help with the family income. Willie is like "if you want to get a normal job, cool." She counters with "I'm not normal." Please understand me when I say that I am amazed at how much resolve she has about this. I respect that there is no shame in her game. And strippers do a great service to humanity. I support the performing arts. But I've never come across a wife and mother who wanted to do this SO badly. I'm almost convinced that if she were offered a $100,000/year job with the best Obamacare has to offer and free Wendy's frosties for life where all she had to do was watch bad Black movies on Netflix all day, she'd decline because her passion in life is wiping down poles with Windex right before she puts her vagina all over it. I'm starting to wonder if she really needs some additional male attention or something while Willie is at the studio. Speaking of Willie at the studio…

Advertisement

(You see how boring this is???)

Willie has a deal with an indy label that has apparently sunk $250,000 (!!!!) into him to complete an album. Listen people, in today's climate, that's real money. Record advances and budgets in the mid-90s were trickin' off at $500k easy. Do you remember what a big deal it was when Papoose got a $1.5 million dollar deal from Jive when he was considered to be a hot commodity (he wasn't). Of course you don't, you don't remember Papoose. Hmm…oh, right. 50 Cent got that million dollar deal from Eminem and it was a thing. Recently, A$AP Rocky got a $3 million dollar deal (these are mostly distribution deals) - $1.7 for himself and $1.3 for the ASAP Mob - and this man was on FIRE at the time. So a label, an indy at that, dropping $250,000 on fuckin' Willie Taylor is nothing to sneeze at. At the same time, his record is languishing, probably because the labels priorities shifted (though if its an indy thats unlikely) or more likely, they don't feel like they have an album they can sell. This is how so many of your favorite artists leak their own music, hoping to catch a buzz and sending a fuck you to the company in the process, effectively hoping to force their hand. Think Hakim on Empire.

Well Willie wants out and meets with his old manager who is selling him some dreams. All Willie has to do is get out of his contract with his current label. Which, from a business end, there's no way I'm going to sink that much money into an artist as an indy and let him walk with his records with nothing in return. Shit, Jay-Z paid $5 million to get out of his deal. Willie seems to think that asking for a release because he has a better (potential) deal on the table and because he doesn't feel like his label is doing enough (its possible) should suffice.

Advertisement

Ask Young Buck how that worked out. I'm sure Willie is a great dude and I wish him the best but I'm not so sure the Willie Taylor era of R&B is exactly going to take off either. Good luck to him though. Ten buck says his wife starts stripping behind his back and Milan and Miles see her at their "coming out stripper party".

Oh yeah…fuck Jason Lee with all of Willie's Wife's (I can't remember her name) stripper poles. You remember how bitchmade he was throwing a drink in Hazel's face? So yeah, Nikki and Firestarter Brandi are out doing fake yoga in the park and Nikki informs us that she has an event the next day and has invited Jason Lee to come there so they can talk. Next day cometh and she's there at this event nobody is attending when Jason Lee shows up with Kamiah, who has beef with Nikki.

Because of course he does. Jury's still out on Kamiah for me - I think she's ridiculous, but she's cute and Fizz and Nikki were being douches to her so I'm willing to give her a pass. I am a man.

Advertisement

Anyway, Jason comes up to Nikki who is with Brandi who you should never take anywhere tempers may flare. Like for real, I'd never even take her out to eat. Bad customer service pisses me off; I can't imagine what it does to a person who dresses up in black and follows her husband around and attacks shit just for existing. Jason says hello to Brandi and she does that thing that people do when something isn't their business but they decide to make it their business by shading him out and telling him why. Which - fairly - puts him on the defensive. But fuck him so who cares. He calls her a chihuahua which of course starts this course towards total destruction…save for the hilarious part where Kamiah, in the middle of the fracas where people had to be removed - is still trying to get Nikki's attention so she can talk to her and clear the air. Kamiah is clearly an idealist in these streets. Messy tiny Jason who has a blog that nobody's ever heard of heads off into the sunset threatening to put people on his blog.

Can we talk about this for a second: how is that a threat? This ain't Perez Hilton with some salacious secret. Even threatening to out Fizz and a "fun-sized" dong is just speculation at worst. I mean Kamiah was cool with it for a while and Nikki seems fine with it. Where's the scandal in this? What the fuck is Jason Lee's purpose? He's a blogger? So what? So am I. Unless he's TMZ out here dropping heat rocks on people folks ACTUALLY care about, he is nothing more than a husky elf with anger management issues. Perish. Panama says just perish.

Le sigh.