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Thanks to Big Home God, I finished my Christmas shopping just in time to catch ep 2 of “Cuffing Season Relationships and Instagram Clothing Lines.” No small feat either – chasing down Jordan 11’s for my baby brother’s size 15 feet is an effort comparable to Cyn and Erica making a million dollars out of 15 screen printed t-shirts that sell for $4.99 at Rainbow. With that said, let’s dive right in.

We jump in right where we left off – with Yandy in the same dress that she wore to her first mixed gender middle school dance and Mandalay Bay showing off the finest in jailhouse couture. Standing at the altar, love brimming in their eyes…they don’t make the leap, citing a need to do it the right way, as the officiant who almost certainly was way more concerned about when he could go back to the slots feigned interest in their momentous decision. Content in their plan, Momofuku and his lady love return to New York so that they can select 32 lucky ladies to be in the bridal party for the Rikers’ event of the century.*

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When Yandy returns to NYC, she meets up with Tara inside of a sex store – because what better place is there to talk about love and commitment than in front of a  bevy of heated dildoes? I’m certain that the goddess Moniece Slaughter agrees with me on this. During this conversation, Tara confesses that she has yet to let the kids know that Peter and her were no longer together.  (Note: To be fair, it’s not like him not being in the house is much of a change of scenery for them).  Struggling to not let her eyes roll to the back of her head, Yandy wisely advised Tara to disavow herself of the notion that her reasoning for not letting the kids know that her and Peter had split made the slightest bit of sense, and handed her a condom for good measure. Your guess is as good as mine on the last part.**

Not to be outdone in this never ending love triangle, Amina gets some time to discuss just how much Peter has taken a wrecking ball to her life with her twin sister, who put down the Riesling and Sauerkraut and hopped on a flight across the Atlantic to console her. Miss Pankey’s dignified chin trembled as she detailed Peter’s continual absence at any and everything, including, but not limited to a family maternity shoot and a romantic date that he scheduled, concluding with the revelation that she didn’t trust him. “What a shocker!” said no one who didn’t have a tattoo of a heart on their chest plate. Peter flimsily offers up the justification that “the hustle is real” and cited financial concerns, an assertion made all the more hilarious by him proposing taking Tara and the kids on an island vacation. I’m tired. You tired. Jesus wept.

[Panama Note: What Shamwow DIDN'T mention was that the romantic date he was flaking on with Amina ran concurrently with his day with his kids and Tara where he was trying to plan that family vacation that none of us are sure he can finance. Though he did say he wanted to take the kids to the beach so its entirely possible that they'll just go to Coney Island, which is hours from their Bronx home…its damn near out of town. That nigga Peter Gunz might be the Patron MVP of Ain't Shit Niggas. I can't even see Stevie J doing this and he wrote the manual on how to be ain't shit like a bawse. Peter Gunz spends his days trolling love. ]

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In a surprising twist, Peter actually rectified a situation with a woman in his life: he and Erica Mena made up. Apparently, at some point Erica and Amina became the bestest of friends, which has prompted Erica to offer to throw Amina’s baby shower.

At this point, I’d like to propose a game: Mena’s baby shower Mad Libs.

“I went to Erica Mena’s baby shower and it was    (adjective). The most memorable gift was         (noun)       . The games were       (noun)       (noun)   , and     noun   .When Erica      (verb)      the       (noun)     I almost       (verb)     . I was so inspired by how      (adverb)  the    (noun)    was. All in all, a life changing experience.”

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Speaking of Erica, Erica and Cyn fought for the umpteenth time about how Erica engages in egregious relationship violations every time a bodega plays an Aventura song. Cyn gets fed up and decides that she needs a break. Pobrecita. Lucky for her there is a Chipotle walking distance from the Bergen St subway station they were standing in front of.

Erica and Chrissy got into it again, but nothing noteworthy came of that except for learning that “friend of the cast” Rashidah has declared herself a “stiletto expert.” Since we’re just self-appointing expertise these days, I’d like to take this time to declare myself a Ratchet Expert. Nay, a Ratchet Connoiseur. A Rachetelier, if you will.

Last, but oh-so-certainly not least, we get to Diamond and Cisco.

In the many years of this show and all of its associated spinoffs, I thought we had seen it all. I truly believed we had gotten to a point that there was next to nothing that Mona could throw my way that would phase me.  I stand here before you all, yet again humbled by witchcraft and wizardry of Mona Scott Young.

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Last we left Diamond, she had moved to the Big Apple to chase love, leaving her young child*** behind with her mother. Upon arrival, her paramour Cisco grabbed her bag, wrapped her in a warm embrace…and promptly informed her that she would be staying with a friend. It is at this point that we find out that not only will Diamond not be staying at her boyfriend of 2 years’ place…she has never seen his place and doesn’t even know his address. Quoth Diamond “I’m tired of always f***ing in cars and meeting in public places….can we f*** in a bed for once?!” [Panama Note: If I hadn't seen this with my own two eyes, I wouldn't believe it to be true. But I did see it and I was dazed and confused like Matthew McConaughey in 1994.]

As soon as I finish picking my jaw off the floor, the show hits me with the one hitter quitter. For all of Diamonds loud exclamations of wanting loyalty, commitment, and honesty, it is brought to light that Diamond has yet to inform him that she has a child, instead telling him that the background noise at her end of the phone line were of her dog. At the behest of an ultimatum served by her mother, Diamond informs Cisco, nochalantly stating “ speaking of loyalty and honesty…I have a kid…I want you guys to meet and we are all going to be one big happy family!!” Cisco’s response? “Do me a favor and get the f*** away from me.”

[Panama Note: And she did actually say, upon being accused of lying by a nigga named Cisco that she didn't lie, she withheld information. But she didn't lie. Mind you, she just told us that every time she slipped up on the phone talking to her child, she informed him that she was talking to her puppy. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that shit qualifies as a lie in at least 27 countries, a few territories and at least one archipelago. If this even remotely resembles your life - and I mean all of it - dust yourself off and try again. Not sure what else to expect from the life of a chick named Diamond Strawberry, the most explicitly perfect stripper name of all time. This is not debatable.]

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To recap: Darryl Strawberry’s daughter left her child/”puppy” with her mom to have sex in cars with her noncommittal boyfriend on the West Side Highway - while awaiting his address so that she can finally submit her mail forwarding request. But hey, it's not like she cheated!

…I got nothing witty here guys. I'm just waiting for Sway to return my texts.

Judging by the previews for next week it gets even messier. Seems to be that Diamond isn’t the only one with a secret kid. Top that off with Cyn and Erica arguing over feenin’ for the peen, and it looks like Love and Hip Hop NY is making a solid effort to come back strong in the New Year. It’s a Christmas Miracle!

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*How romantic is it that Mendecee(s) put his conjugal visits at risk so that Yandy could have her dream wedding? This must be that Ghetto Love that Thi Thi was singing about.

**I’d like to think they bought a heated dildo as well, but the jury’s still out on that part. It's what Moniece would've wanted.

***I’m gonna go with Mylanta as her child’s name. This sounds correct. [Panama Note: Her daughter's name is Mylisa as opposed to Melissa, I suppose. On "Sorority Sisters", there's a chick named Metoya as opposed to, say, Letoya. There's nothing deep here, I just REALLY wanted that information to be written out somewhere. So I could look at it and judge silently to myself…outloud.]