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Happy New Years, ladies and gents. Mona decided to give our weary spirits a week off from the trials and tribulations of the Young and the Couthless, but we have now returned - and fortunately for the rest of us, the cast of Love and Hip Hop NY have not adhered to the “New Year New Me” mantra that most of us uttered to ourselves on December 31st. As I write, I’m drinking a fruit smoothie and pretending it’s a frozen margarita.

Let’s get right to it. We pick up where we left off last episode – with Amina discovering new levels to married sidechickdom. Amina, understandably distraught, goes off to sit forlornly on the cobblestone curbside of New York City’s Meatpacking District. Peter, caught redhanded, manages to balk at the notion of Amina embarrassing him in front of his kids. Never mind the 35 week old fetus gestating within his wife’s womb. Or the fact that he is inexplicably taking his ex and their children to Barbados. Instead a woebeogone Amina is chastised for being emotional by not only Peter, but Tara, who is preening from her high horse of “ex of over a decade who he was consistently unfaithful to.” When Amina glumly asks “why don’t you just take him back”, Tara even has the nerve to pretend that she is separated from Peter by choice. Peter Pankey, my friends, is the OG of this #laylowandbuild game.

Let’s briefly revisit Peter and Tara’s planned trip to Barbados “for the kids.” While relaying this to Yandy, she accurately pointed out there aren’t any teacup rides for young children in Bridgetown, and that Tara is only hurting herself. I’m honestly at a loss for Tara’s game plan here. Is she proud that Peter is willing to waste money on a frivolous vacation that is not explicitly kid-friendly while his wife is about to deliver an undersized and at-risk child? When is Peter going to take this vacation when he just committed to his wife that he would be home every night after Amina’s pregnancy complications “made him feel guilty”? I’ll probably get my answers sometime after Leo DiCaprio wins his first Oscar.

Speaking of Yandy, we spend some time with the First Couple of Castle Hill, and we are not disappointed. We cut to them doing a couples workout in Van Cortlandt park with Yandy’s cousin Maurice (who Mastodon had so amazingly hemmed up a few seasons back).Still brimming with the post almost-but-not-quite-marital glow of their Vegas trip, Yandy is in full planning mode. Before they lock down the date for their fall 2015 wedding (how optimistic of them to believe that Manatee will not have gone to trial by then), our Dipset Dopeboy needed to set some ground rules. Apparently, his friends on the streets had kept Mendecee(s) abreast of his bae’s proclivity to do it up for the gram and he was none too pleased. Yandy’s recent habits of “taking pictures from the back”, coupled with her new boob job (which now has her cleavage parted like the Red Sea) were cause for our excessively voweled compatriot’s concern. How do they resolve this? By going to Black Ink (another ratchet cut that I hold close to my heart) and getting each other’s names permanently marked on their bodies. A biracial Canadian once said, “tat my name on you so I know it’s real.” Truer words were never spoken.

I don’t have a proper segue for Erica and Cyn but let’s just pretend that I just saw two pigeons squabbling on my windowsill. Erica is inexplicably walking around Prospect Park in four inch heels to chat up her gay best friend, who informs her that he saw Cyn parked in the passenger seat of her car on Dyckman with who seemed to be a gentleman caller- to which I ask, where did she find parking on Dyckman, on the Hudson River? In an illustrious state of denial of any and all of her wrongdoings within this relationship, Erica’s takes her shit-eating grin all the way to Sugarcane in Prospect Heights, where she proclaims to Cyn with apblomb “I found out you f***ed a Dyckman n****!”Words were exchanged, chairs pushed back…and Erica attempted to drop the sucker punch on Cyn, but settled for an open hand smack, showing us that Intimate Partner Violence is not only limited to heterosexual couples.

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A quick note: I eat at Sugarcane fairly frequently, as I don’t live that far away*. When I tell you that this restaurant is the size of a bathroom corridor in a NY apartment…I was truly at a loss as to the logistics of two fighting Dominicans and a camera crew being able to squeeze into that tiny restaurant that is always crowded. I need to see the panoramic footage.

When Erica recounts the incident to Rashidah, she states that Cyn “feels like I hit her in the face”, which is the most amazing lack of self-awareness I’ve seen since Peter Gunz was indignant at his wife being devastated at him disrespecting their marriage. Later on in the episode, Erica and Cyn reunite at Amina’s baby shower, where I’m pretty sure that “at the end of the day” was stated at least five times, and there’s a possibility that a fellow named Brick killed a guy.

We now bring ourselves to the piece de resistance: Cisco and Diamond. Cisco consults Rich Dollaz and his 2001 Ginuwine texturizer fade for advice on lady problems, because lames of a feather flock together. At this point, it is revealed that Cisco has a secret child of his own – a second child with his baby’s mother that was conceived after Cisco and Diamond had started dating; a revelation that had Rich proclaiming Cisco “President of the Creep Squad.” Because Shrek taught us that every ogre has layers like an onion, we took a hike down memory road to Cisco’s issues with his mom – who apparently has met Diamond? Something about that doesn’t add up. How is Diamond “a vacation every month” who doesn’t know where you live but her and your mom are cool? The streets need answers!

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We close on Cisco deciding that he truly does care about Diamond, and might even love her (he was stuttering too much to get an official verdict on this). Ever the romantic, he decides to display the ultimate gesture of appreciation by…taking Diamond to the club and shouting her out on the speakers. At no point did it seem that an actual home address was provided to Diamond but hey, if she likes it I love it. Finally, in a moment of true clarity, Cisco decides to tell his girlfriend who has previously shown a tendency for erratic and general lack-of-fucks-given behavior that he had an outside kid…while they were drinking at the club. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Until next time, guys.