Happy Tuesday everybody. I write to you from the confines of my cozy Brooklyn apartment because meteorologists were about as accurate about snowfall as men who claim their height to be 5’9 – which means I was able to do a deep dive into our favorite stories.
So, Amina had herself a beautiful baby boy named Corey (I turned away while they put up the baby’s name on the lower third of the screen, so it’s highly likely that the child’s name is actually spelled Koree considering this show’s track record). Never one to let Amina have more than 30 seconds of consecutive happiness, Peter Gunz’ sociopath gene kicks in, and he decided to come clean to her about the fact that he had brought Tara and their kids to Barbados. Floored by the realization that a 45-year old man with one minor hit does not have that much brand recognition in the West Indies, Amina proclaims that “this is honestly the worst thing he’s done” – which, at this point, is quite debatable.
Amina goes to meet with Tara, who continues to ignore that her high horse is really My Little Pony. Tara spends the first half of the meet-up (I would call it a dinner, but I didn’t see anybody eating any food – how are you going to make a reservation to eat nothing?) sneering at Amina, chiding her for refusing to take ownership of how she got into the situation, and that she “knew what it was.” It was at this point that Amina has maybe said the most insightful four sentences or her absentminded life: by pointing out that Tara was Amina seven years ago. Miss “you’re messing with my family” found out that Peter had a side family and still stayed around until he ended up committing to her. Tara and the horse she rode in on sputtered around a little bit – I believe the phrase “why you bringing up old shit?” was muttered under her breath – until they both came to the mutual conclusion that Peter is a lying liar who lies. The fact that it took them over a year to come to this consensus is just further proof that they all deserve each other.
Speaking of baby momma drama, apparently Yandy is mediating between Mendeecee(s) and little Mendeecee(s) mother, because her partner is not a grown adult who is capable of having a mature conversation with his coparent. I have to say, I think Yandy handled it well enough that I can forgive her for that “Ghanaian auntie on vacation” wig. However, Methuselah needs a reality check. He kept saying that he’s not ready to be a weekend dad – to which I ask, how does he think prison works? Also, who does he think will get custody of the child once he’s locked up ? While we’re at it, how does he even currently have custody? Yandy has no legal rights to that child.
At the same time as he is refusing to engage with his coparent, Metamucil is traveling up to Dyckman to “mentor” (read: play pickup ball with) kids who look like they sit next to him at Borough of Manhattan Community College night classes. Metamorphosis being a mentor makes about as much sense as Rashidah being a stiletto expert – why do they keep describing her as that when we have yet to a see one shoe?
Speaking of Dyckman, Cyn Santana is a singer now. She’s about to bring Aventura realness back to the game, with the help of Rich Dollaz and his femcee friend Precious Paris. I’m all in on Precious Paris as an addition to the cast. For one, she has two black girl names as her rap name. For two, she had hotep third eye door knocker earrings. And for three, she empathized with Cyn’s brothers suicide by telling her about how her sister got murdered – which is not quite the same thing but shows me her little hoodrat heart is in the right place. I’m calling it now that Cyn and Precious end up dating. I foresee many burrito bowls in her future.
Rich has a release party for his new liquor 79 Gold – which I looked into and it sounds like a melted down candy with alcohol in it – which Cyn is going to be the new face of, a fact that Erica doesn’t appreciate. She shows up to the release party drunk as a skunk and orders Henny and Red Bull – which, I’m sorry, should not be legally allowed for any bartender to distribute. Erica basically walked up to the bar and said “I’m trying to fight as immediately as possible, can you help me?” She jumps on stage, makes a scene, warbles something about Rich trying to get her sloppy seconds, and then walks into a mirror on her way out, as birds are wont to do. Later on, Cyn meets up with her at a photo shoot (which…what kind of photoshoot is she doing in a fitted and fur coat? A remake of the J Lo and Ja Rule remix days?) to get “closure” , whatever that means. They say their goodbyes, with Erica saying “I’m sorry for that situation that ended physically”, which is a lot like a person who robbed you going “I’m sorry you lost your wallet.” Cyn walked away to the 1 Train alone, and somewhere in heaven, a bodega cat lost its wings.
In the E story of the episode, Chrissy shows up at the studio to get mad at Chink for how he responded to her attempting to trap him into going half on a baby while he’s still married. I think amidst all the squawking, they broke up - but honestly, I’m more focused on the fact that 79 Gold is distributed in Brooklyn and that there might be an opportunity for me to make a Rich Dollaz drinking game out of next week’s episode. Until then folks.