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Guys, someone save Cyn from the sociopathic clutches of Cisco. I am so serious.  She deserves so much better than this. Why can’t she find a good man or woman to give her a burrito bowl? Can we start a PSA for her plight?

My apologies for the delay, there was a chicken shortage and I couldn’t find any Olde English to keep me going for a while, but I’m back and better than ever! Unfortunately “better” is not in the dictionary for any of the cast members of our favorite show to hate.

Jhonni Blaze apparently loves herself some Rich. She loves him enough to give him a half-hearted footjob in a crowded restaurant and proceed to give him some,er, knowledge in the bathroom of a busy New York restaurant. Jhonni also apparently never wears panties no matter how short her skirt is. I just hope she put some toilet paper down on the floor before she went to town – how do you explain to your doctor that you got contact germs from kneeling in the bathroom to show love to a self-described lightskinned creep?

Speaking of creeps…I have never in my life seen a bigger red flag than three men proudly referring to themselves as the Creep Squad. Can you imagine these folks strolling at the college party throwing up CreepSquad ™ signs?? Mind you the youngest one is probably Cisco and he still has to be at least a cool 32 years old. They have enough kids between them to fill an NFL team roster, but they’re discussing smashing and passing 20 years olds as if at least one of them doesn’t have a child that’s close to their age. Cisco has set his sights on our wounded bird Cyn and I just want to run into the screen and rescue her. Rich is creeping on Cisco’s ex Diamond (why is she still on the show and where is her daughter??) as if he isn’t her father’s age.

Is smashing your friend’s ex not a major bro-code violation? I know male friends don’t take things between them that seriously, but trying to go to town with some chick your homie rocked with for a few years seems like upper-echelon foul behavior.  Do CreepSquad members just get exemptions? I’m truly trying to wrap my head around how this works.

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But back to Diamond… I’ve heard of a lot of devious moves committed by women and men alike to snoop on their partners – but using his fingerprint in his sleep is some straight up Ocean’s 13 shit. I am equally horrified and impressed, and immediately reset my iPhone fingerprint to be my pinky instead of my thumb so that folks have to work harder to get at my stuff. #StayWoke

Our Third Creep Squad Musketeer, Peter, is dealing with problems of his own. Upset that Amina exposed his proclivity for being in his drop top cruising the streets while he was with Tara, Peter hit poor Amina with the coldest “why you talking about old shit” that I’ve ever seen. The scenes between them felt like borderline emotional abuse – Peter went for a triple double and threatened divorce, custody, and further infidelity in the same breath. Amina may be a simple girl, but she didn’t do anything wrong - besides continuing to give Tara fodder to ride around on Her Little Pony. I still get so stuck on her reaming Amina for breaking up a family while conveniently choosing to ignore that she did the exact same thing, intentionally or not.

Peter isn’t doing himself any good either. Protip: don’t tell your wife that is so brokenhearted by your disloyalty that you’re in love with two women. And if you’re going to set an ultimatum to get your wife to get in line…maybe don’t say “it’s over with all of us”…because, who is all? You, me, and Dupree? Regardless, poor Tweety Bird finally put two and two together and let Peter know that he treats women like trash; and packed up her feelings to leave for Germany with her child – but not before taking her guitar to the Lower East Side and performing what I’m supposed to believe is a heartfelt song, but really couldn’t process past the Lauryn Hill Unplugged aesthetic.

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Meanwhile Amina’s bestie Erica decided to sit down with her child to find a way to break it to him that a man he’s never met is going to encroach upon his once a month visit with his mother. (Seriously, she gave a whole roundabout explanation of him staying with her mom in Florida as if it didn’t just boil down to the fact that she doesn’t have custody of her child.) Can you imagine Bow Wow disciplining this child as a stepfather? Just grabbing the biggest stepstool to look up in the kid’s face and wag his finger as furiously as possible. I’d watch their blended family reality show spinoff – as long as Erica was kept on mute.

On the other end, Manila and Yandy seem to be having a rough go on the parenting end now that Madagascar has returned home. Yandy expects him to step up after being locked up for over a year, but Mystic is too busy picking up dopeboys on the corner of 116th and attempting to give them careers. To prove his point, Mewtwo calls Yandys team and lies about their son being en route to the hospital, because that’s apparently a reasonably petty action to put on your pregnant and stressed partner. Yandy finally has a legitimate reason to flip out, which she takes full advantage of…especially when Remy decides to stick her head in where she’s unwanted. I’ve gotta say, I’ve caped for Remy until this point – but sticking your head into a relationship dispute is just instigating, as is pretending to check for Mayflower’s well-being just to irritate his partner.

Every week, this show convinces me to continue my childless streak for a few more years. I am TOO terrified of having a CreepSquad child. How does one enter the CreepSquad? What is the application process? Do you have to be nominated by a fellow creep or is it open enrollment? Is there a CreepSquad rubric/checklist? Who is currently on the CreepSquad waiting list? I need all of this answered by next week, along with a copy of the CreepSquad application form.

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And yes, I know that Chrissy did an “urban photo shoot” but I’m trying not to trigger my PTSD therefore I’m not acknowledging that as an occurrence.