Ladies and gents, we have now seen Rich Dollaz walk into a NYC public bathroom twice in the past four weeks. I’m one incident away from starting a Change.Org petition.
Let me not get ahead of myself. The episode kicked off with the trials and tribulations of Yandy and MysticSoda(s). Yandy is understandably still very upset that her chosen life partner decided to fake a medical emergency with their child just to prove a point, and decided to seek out the counsel of her good friend Kimbella, whose cleavage has gone up at least three cup sizes since we last saw her. Kimbella advises Yandy to reconcile with Milquetoast and move forward but Yandy isn’t quite ready to hear that yet. When they DO finally sit down and chat, we get a hilarious insight into “Gender roles as defined by Mr. Trial Pending:”
‘Deecee(s): “Yandy you’re supposed to stay at home and take care of the kids!”
Yandy: “I’d be happy to! Why don’t I quit my job and stay home while you take care of all the bills?”
‘Deecee(s): “What you gotta stop working for?!”
Never change, Manitoba.
While Kimbella counseled reconciliation with Mendeecees, the same truths were not self-evident for poor Remy, who was brought down to Yandy’s office so that she could be fired by her boss’ fiancée. I’m at a loss here. Why does Kimbella have an issue with Remy? Why did Remy even go down to Yandy’s office? What makes Yandy think that she has the authority to hire and fire at will for a company that she has no role in? For better or worse that is Mendeecee(s)’ “Empire”…she need to take her issue up with her partner and leave that poor girl alone.
Speaking of poor little lambs, Amina finally found her hind legs and is standing her ground with Peter. She demanded that he move out, but when did snakes ever slink quietly into the night? Mr. Pankey immediately flipped the script and let Amina know that him moving out means that he will be slinging his wang guilt-free…you know, as opposed to tossing it while being ashamed of the covenant that he was breaking. The moral gymnastics that man engages in makes my head hurt about as much as Amina’s reasoning in confiding in Tara about what is happening with her marriage. Tara probably immediately started getting the bedroom ready in her “Astoria Heights” (this is not a neighborhood) apartment, while mumbling something about taking the high road.
Luckily for Peter, he is far from the most ain’t shit lightskinned man in this episode. That award is designated to the one and only Rich Dollaz. This leathery epidermis of a man has managed to link himself with both of the most insane women to date on this show.*
Let’s start with Diamond. Diamond has apparently recovered from the four-page letter she sent Cisco and has now set her sights on Mister Richie D. If only she cared as much about her PuppyDaughter as she did about finding love. Regardless of Rich Dollaz’ self-designation as the founder of the #CreepSquad, Diamond insists on the fact that “the Rich that she sees” being charming and amazing. Mind you, this is the same Rich that just took the Lincoln Tunnel to New Jersey to Dirty Mack on his friend’s ex.
After seeking counsel from Cisco’s friend Marge, who she first stayed with upon moving to New York (which begs the question, where the hell is she staying now?!) , she decided to hit Rich with the full court press. Rich initially resists, because, per his words, he “might be kind of a creep..but [he] likes to think [he’s] a standup guy.” That went out the window in less than thirty seconds when he told Diamond that he wanted to “take her in the bathroom and knock her screws loose” which was supposed to be sexy, but only made me hope that Mona provided the cast with hazard pay. Nevertheless the duo made their way to the bathroom and the rest was history.
They apparently both left the bathroom with different impressions of what just happened, however. Diamond decided that her and Rich go together, while Rich is pretending that taking a crazy woman out to dinner and going to town in the restaurant bathroom would not have disastrous consequences. Diamond managed to do a surprise pop-up at not one but TWO events that he was at. At the first, she walks up to “stiletto expert” Rashidah and proclaims “We’re dating. I’m Diamond, and I’m gonna be around for a while” – striking fear in everyones face at the table**. But this pales in comparison to the second event.
Diamond makes her way into Tara’s business launch party (what are they exactly celebrating here? She doesn’t have a storefront or anything…did her LegalZoom papers get officially notarized?) to make sure that Rich has a “bad chick by his side” – not knowing that he was escorting the ever pantiless Jhonni Blaze to the event. What ensued afterwards was a prime example of when keeping it real goes wrong: teeny tiny Diamond tried to check Jhonni, who was doing her best to take Tara’s “etiquette advice”(which to date, was just to stay off social media and other Captain Obvious statements). That all went out the window the second that Diamond put her purse down – Jhonni’s reach around weave grab was so stealthy that I’m sure Moneice Slaughter shed a tear in praise, all while demanding that Diamond acknowledge her inferiority. For a second I thought I had accidentally switched the channel to WWE Divas. Dragged, berated, and with no man to speak of, poor little Diamond hobbled off to her car while her daughter was still waiting up for a goodnight call.
Joseline Hernandez vs Jhonni Blaze might be a more interesting fight than Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. Who would you bet on?
*Word is he is now dating our favorite Lady of Rage Moniece Slaughter. Ninjas never learn.
**Especially Cyn. Someone please find me a gif of her mouthing “what the f*** is wrong with you” to Rich. I will mail you a cookie as a reward.