So today I'm going to try something new. Since I'm always complaining that this show is trying my spirit, I'm going to evaluate episode moments via an arbitrary points system and see if we come out positive or negative.*
- Yandy sits with Melatonin to justify why she brought her fiancé’s employee down to her office only to fire her. Minus 50, because she was lying like shit about what happened between her and Remy.
- Cyn is really excited about her tribute song finally being ready in time for her event. No points, because I could drag her autotune but her earnestness makes me feel bad.
- Cisco is busy setting up romantic ambiance in the studio. Minus 200 because SOMEONE SAVE CYN.
- Rich goes to meet up with Diamond and discuss the events that happened at Tara's Incorporation Filing Party. Minus 150 for Diamond because she is truly delusional. She talks about her being a truly sweet girl in the same way your eternally late friend swears they're usually punctual. And she tearily proclaimed her defense mechanism to protect herself from being hurt, ignoring that her choosing be in absconded status from her puppy daughter is setting that child up for the same problems.
- On the other hand, plus 50 for Rich for realizing that he need not be even friends with this crazy woman. Minus 40 for taking her down in a porta potty in the first place.
- Chink immediately starts out with a minus 40 for continuing to subject us to Chrissy and her rotating wigs
- Plus 5 for him introducing us to the 3 Bs though - Birth control, Booty magazines, Baby fever. I chuckled.
- Chink talked to his dad. No points , except for a comment that everytime it's shown that most of these characters have present parents My Brothers Keeper loses $1000 in funding.
- Minus 60 points for Chrissy trying to trap a man with a baby who still refers to his allegedly soon to be ex as his wife.
- Minus 5 points to Mona Scott Young for trying to convince me that Chrissy was clueless on where she was being taken until she arrived in Hyattsville. You need only go so far down NJ turnpike to realize you aren't about to be partying in AC.
- Minus 15 points for Chrissy crying to Chinks dad about him still being married. The man has failing kidneys , he doesn't care about your side chick problems.
- Plus 5 for Chrissy giving us the best wig of the past 5 eps. She's got no less than 25 wigs and 12 of them have #thatcut. You know the one.
- Precious shows up to Cyn’s show to let us know that Jhonni has made her way to the XVideos circuit. Plus 10 to her refusing to start the lesbian relationship with Cyn that Mona is so clearly rooting for.
- Plus 375 for Cyn blithely stating "maybe she's a rapping porn star!" Never change Cyn (and to be fair there is precedent here. I'm looking at you Brian Pumper.)
- Plus 150 for Cyn curving Cisco so hard that there are track marks in her wake . "I'm so flattered" might as well be her singing "no you're never gonna get it, never ever gonna get it"
- Plus 25 for Cyns performance. There was lip synching , black choirmembers AND interpretive dancers! The Bronx got such a treat.
- Minus 5 for Ciscos incomprehensible hand motions. How are you a producer but have an open relationship with the beat?
- Yandy’s father is having serious health problems. Minus 20.
- Plus 25 for MisterMiyagi consoling her while she was stressed.
- Plus another 75 for his consolation speech in which he continues to refer to prosthetics as fake legs: “They got all types of fake legs. They got fake legs you can’t even tell are fake. People running marathons with fake legs…you can run tracks and jump over them thangs.”
- We're still supposed to belive that Tara is qualified to give anybody media training? Minus 30.
- Plus 10 for Jhonni Blaze declaring that her porn tape was supposed to be “for private clientele”. The notion of having exclusivity in adult films in 2015 is such a lovely delusion.
- Plus 25 for Precious realizing that Rich can’t promote anything besides STD awareness. Although I hear the Lighty brothers aren’t that much better. Bonne chance.
- Minus 15 for Jhonni taking a shift at Sin City during what is clearly the middle of the day. Ain’t no tips to be had then boo!
- Rich what are you doing telling a crazy person that they’re crazy?? ABORT MISSION!!! Minus 50!
- Minus 10 for Rich completely failing to spell the word “maniac” correctly.
- Minus 120 for Mona failing to explore the one of the last three sentences uttered by Rich to Jhonni: “Stop coming to my house and leaving flowers at my door.” WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?? Is this not grounds for a restraining order?! How is this just being stated unacknowledged? I NEED ANSWERS
Tallying all the points brings us to minus 55, confirming what we all already knew – that this show is a net negative to our spirits and personal growth.
I’ll still be here next week because God is still working on me. Until then.
*Shout out to the folks at Vulture, from where I got the idea.