I’ve decided to ride out this points system til the end of this NY run. As always, the points are absolutely arbitrary and almost exclusively beholden to my chicken levels at any point in time. Without further ado, let’s get to it.
· Peter Gunz solicits Erica’s help to pick a ring. No points, but I’d like to take a moment to state that Erica growing up in a neighborhood chock full of pawn shops makes her no more a ring expert than Rashidah is a stiletto expert.
· Plus 10 points to the new CreepSquad mantra: “One woman, one house, one relationship.” The lightskinned lot of them are in a 12-step program for monogamy. Baby steps!
· Minus 40 points for Rich debuting his new grill in this episode. Considering that I question every man’s hygiene on this show, I shudder at the thought of what his breath smells like.
· Rich conveniently skipped over the impetus of him and Jhonni’s fight being PuppyMomma Strawberry when relaying the story to Cisco. God is still working on him I guess. Minus 15 points.
· Look at Cisco trying to pretend he knows Cyn on a deeper level than Chipotle by calling her Cynthia. I’m pretty sure this is the reality show equivalent of a “bae caught me slipping” post on IG. Minus 20 points because STAY AWAY FROM INNOCENT CYN SANTANA
· However, plus 50 points for the following Rich Dollaz quote: “Atlanta beasting, Miami beasting, California beasting….New York beasting beyond beastability.” I thought this term was retired in 2004; nonetheless I now have all of my Instagram captions planned between Memorial Day and Labor Day weekend.
· But seriously, both Cisco and Rich have been in multiple serious, monogamous (allegedly) relationships – some over the course of this show – and are still making a production out of becoming a responsible grown adult? Minus 15 for them both making a big deal out of settling down in their late 30s, and contributing to the declining sales of the prophylactic industry.
· I searched up and down iTunes and couldn’t find any hint of a Cyn Santana single that is “raising a lot of money on the internet - but my soft spot for our little Dyckman pigeon is still awarding her 5 points. Never forget that my dispersion is arbitrary.
· Chrissy showed up on screen dressed like a parody porn of the Jenny from the Block music video. Plus 20 points because I laughed for at least 45 seconds.
· Chrissy has been “dating” Chink for 2 years but is unable to mail him any gifts because she doesn’t know his address. Minus 25 points; Chrissy has lived through both World Wars but is still making the same life choices as Diamond.
· Chink told Chrissy that nobody tells him where he’s moving unless he’s in jail. Plus 100 because that’s how much he kept it.
· No points but Chink being so irritated that he refused to acknowledge that he knew what adios meant is about as reasonable as me continuing to buy new underwear instead of doing my laundry.
· Cyn now has a new bae on the horizon. No points, but I’d like to point out that now the two lesbians on the show have moved on from chicks back to dicks.
· If you confess your feelings to any woman and she responds to you with “that’s flattering”, buckle up for the dangerous curves ahead. Good job Cyn! Plus 50.
· Yandy’s throwing a baby shower at 38 weeks? A little late but whatever floats your boat. No points.
· I thought commitment ceremonies were for couples that couldn’t get legally married? What are we committing to here? Plus 5 points because it’s cute in concept, if a little confusing.
· Wait, the commitment ceremony is for a name change so that her and Mitosis can share the same surname…but not get married??? Why is this happening? Why don’t they just get married?? I’m pretty sure this is the relationship version of edging.* Minus 275 points
· Seriously Yandy, if you’re just afraid to tie your businesses to his felonious assets then ask Kandi Burruss who drafted her prenup. An “encouragement party” is about as questionable as your weave closure selections on any given episode. Minus 25 more points, because I still can’t handle the stupidity of this.
· Rich Dollaz is almost 40 and still sending his mom to fix his relationship messes. I hope she can at least still file him as a dependent during tax season. Minus 10.
· Amina’s reaching out to her former manager and ex to resurrect her career. Minus 5 points for the revelation that Amina’s simple behind has never learned to separate business and pleasure.
· Her ex managers suggested reaching out to hot rappers in 2015…such as Jadakiss. Who else does he have on speed dials, since we’re going back to 2002? Loon? Black Rob? Red Café? I love me some Jada but to pretend he’s useful for anything other than the occasional guest verse on a GOOD Music collab is ridiculous. Minus 15 points.
· Rich confronts Jhonni yet again over her terrifyingness. Plus 15 for him picking a public space, minus 10 for him continuing to tell a crazy person she is crazy. This is how he ends up with unsolicited roses at his door. (How are we still not acknowledging that statement??)
· Seriously, fellas, if a certifiable woman with an assault record hollers that she gave you every bit of her, just back away slowly and go into Witness Protection. No points, but make sure to take these knowledge darts with you.
Courtesy of Yandy, we conclude Monday’s episode at -190 points – approximately 3.5 times worse of than we were the week before. Sounds about right, considering I drank about that much Bourbon.
Next week is the Season Finale, which will feature a guest appearance from none other than Cat/Crack Daddy himself, Darryl Strawberry! Until then folks.
* Edging is a sexual technique which involves the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without reaching orgasm.