Ladies and Gents, somehow, someway, we have crawled our way to the season finale. I, for one, feel like my brain is at the tail end of a ratchet Spartan race – coming out the other end sore, muddy, and with not much else to show for it besides personal acknowledgement that I committed my time to this inane activity.
That said, let’s review the final episode, shall we?
· Apparently Jhonni’s hands are at least 50% as good on the keys as they are at landing on folks’ faces. Good for her! Plus 5 points
· Why is Jhonni bloodies on her album cover? And why is Amina on the hook to this song about Tara? Minus 10 points to this episode’s sound track.
· When your father, Darryl Strawberry, is judging you, you better acknowledge how far you’ve fallen. Plus 10 points to his stripes-on-stripes-stripes suit though.
· Darryl Strawberry is a what now? ICDC college is offering ministry accreditations? Plus 15 points - I’m pretty sure church with Pastor Strawberry is a ball.
· God forgive me for saying this but everytime a person on this show says Diamond's daughters’ name, I think they are referring to a pet they own for at least a full second before remembering that it is in fact MyLisa instead of My Lisa. Minus 5 points for my name-shaming, because apparently that’s not allowed these days.
· Diamond goes to Cisco for closure…after she smashed the homie in a Wendy’s bathroom. Seriously, where do they do that at? Minus 100 points for the flagrant lack of self-awareness exhibited by this poor child.
· Cisco telling Diamond that he was shacking up with his ex was what finally let her know that she is indeed the side chick – because apparently not being aware of where he lays his head at night wasn’t enough. Tack on another minus 25 points please.
· Peter Gunz is incensed by the thought of another man managing his wife. Let me rephrase that: the married man who took his ex on vacation while his wife was about to drop a baby has the nerve to be indignant about anything in this world. Minus 60 points.
· Seriously, Peter will “go to any lengths to keep his family together”…you know, besides upholding the vows of fidelity. Minus 25 points.
· Chrissy and Chink broke up because Chink won’t give her a baby or divorce his wife. Minus 10 points for trying to convince me that Chrissy can even have a baby naturally.
· What is Kid Capri doing here? And why is Precious doing her best interpretation of the Iggy freestyle vine? Minus 5 points – I would take off more but I respect Precious’ integrity for refusing to hook up with Cyn like Mona wanted; even if it landed her a storyline that was about as present as Diamond’s parenting.
· That said, looks like Cyn settled down with the Dyckman Auto repair auto shop employee. Good for her! Plus 5 points.
· Okay, Does Rich have a grill or Invisiline? Someone please explain to me what’s going on here. Minus 10 points.
· Rich saying “artists are temperamental” when Precious fires him for not doing his job is the most deft displacement of blame he’s done since avoiding his child support payments. Minus 5.
· Listen, I get it’s hard to hear some hard truths about yourself, but flipping a couch because your baby mama won’t give you the absolution you’re chasing is not the wave. Hands to yourself at all times people. Especially if you dwarf the other party. Minus 150 points
· If nothing else, MissappropriatedFunds Harris makes some cute ass children. Plus 5 points.
· Okay, I get that Yandy wants to avoid the liability of combining assets in a marriage if Melanoma gets convicted. But you can’t just change your last name and call it a commitment ceremony. You’re not committed to shit if you can’t file joint taxes. I’m pretty sure I’m more committed to my new weave. Minus 20 points for Yandy giving all the shifty men of the world new avenues to not actually marry someone - once the engagement runs too long, just let her change her name.
· Plus 75 points for the season finale being completely devoid of all things Erica Mena. She can continue to be Fresh Azimiz with our favorite child actor.
As always, we end up absurdly in the negative - I'm too lazy to tally up the proper number, but I'd estimate that one a scale of -1 to -500, we're somewhere around "Peter Gunz' credit score."
Until the reunion, everyone. I’ll make sure to travel to the liquor store on 116th and Lenox and grab some 79 Gold for the event.