VSB

I’m foregoing the points system today as I have a rant to get off of my chest - namely, that Erica Mena is a bird of the highest order.

Ms. Fresh Azimiz’ aviary skills are almost unprecedented at this point. The pure hubris of her flying around and dropping turds all over the reunion like the pigeon that she is from an undisclosed location is just unfathomable. Who convinced her that her shit doesn’t stink? In what world is she the star of this show? How is marrying a semi-notable child rapper put her on any level about the other birdbrains on this show? Most importantly, why is Mona feeing into her deluded ego?

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Let’s be clear. Erica lobbing bombs from two thousand miles away is not her being above anything – it’s her being a loudmouthed coward. All of this yammering about making positive life changes while taking potshots at everybody on the stage – including people she never interacted with on the show – is about as reasonable as the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority’s financial planning. Ms. Mena better pray that Bow Wow doesn’t get killed off his new show and she has to tuck her tail and return to New York. Bethenny Frankel will tell you, don’t ever think you’re too big to get humbled.

While Mona was busy interviewing A Trick Named Erica, we were given a new reunion host by the name of Nina Parker. I have no idea why Mona won’t bite the bullet and give us the clear ideal host of Wendy Williams, but let’s just be happy that they didn’t give us John Salley.

First up is Erica and Cyn. Of course, nothing is Erica’s fault and Cyn is just playing the victim. Never mind that she admitted to kissing someone else while in a relationship. Or that she put her hands on Cyn. Or that Cyn never saw a dollar from the clothing line she sunk her hard earned La Marina tips into. However, she astoundingly has decided that as blame-free as she decided she is for the demise of her relationship, she also served as a beacon for acceptance for nontraditional couples. Excuse me for being non-PC here, but in what 21st century world are people collectively frowning upon watching two young attractive women make out? Even the most devout Westboro Baptist Church ministers probably smiled a bit at their Panamanian photoshoot last season.

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We also meet Cyn’s new man. I don’t really care about him one way or the other but our little Cyn seems really happy, so you go Glen Coco. Shout out to the camera man for panning to Cisco when Ray came out though. *plays world’s tiniest violin*

(As an aside – did Cyn really just have her 21st birthday? She’s been on this show for at least 2 years, why the hell was Erica dating a 19 year old?)

We move on to the trials and tribulations of Yandy Smith “Harris” – excuse me while I roll my eyes – and Malware. Mendeecee(s) takes the time to praise Yandy for staying strong over the past 18 months by declaring that she was “battle tested” – I don’t know if that’s enough praise for someone who helped keep your family together while you were tied up with the Feds, but if that’s enough for her then so be it. Mastodon apologies for unconscionably pretending that their child had a medical emergency. We’re also blessed with the return of Kim, who apparently never got her cleaning bill reimbursed. She was rocking a crisp suit to the reunion, though!

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Let’s move on to Rich and his bevy of birdbrained broads – okay, does Rich have a grill or braces? What’s going on here? Why can’t he pronounce the letter S anymore? This was irking me for at least twenty minutes.

Rich’s back and forth with Jhonni was fairly mindboggling, with Jhonni declaring she is in love with a man who she seems to have never dated. I was truly disappointed that they didn’t hit Jhonni with my burning question – is she or is she not leaving roses at cut buddy’s doorsteps???

The back and forth between Jhonni and Diamond, however, is pure gold. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure it went as follows:

Jhonni: " You look like the Grinch that stole Christmas!"

Diamond: *unintelligible yammering*

Jhonni: "Go back to LA with your dog"

Diamond: “Jokes on you, I see my daughter twice a month!”

Jhonni: "Go back to Whoville!"

Diamond: “Whats wrong with seeing my child less frequently than I get my sew-in washed?”

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Jhonni: "Well, your father’s a crackhead!"

Diamond: “…well you got me there.”

For the life of me I don’t know why Diamond even pretended to step to Jhonni “Look Ma No Hands” Blaze. Considering the results of their last encounter, that was miraculously less sensible than Diamond insisting that nothing happened in the restaurant bathroom her and Rich walked into after he proclaimed he wanted to “knock her screws loose” (I cringe everytime I write that). Also, shout out to Diamond’s mom, aka the only one with sense on the stage. She didn’t deserve watching her daughter go into a public bathroom with an elderly Kappa.

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Erica takes some time to comment on Diamond’s parenting – Diamond, who she didn’t have ANY interaction with this season. Also, if there was ever a case of a pot and kettle…Erica’s kid is staying in Florida with her mom while she “gets her career together”…the only difference between Erica’s kid and Diamond’s is one has gotten used to hurricane season.

For the record, Diamond absolutely let Cisco believe her daughter was a dog. Just because she didn’t say “oh yeah that’s my dog” (which I believe she did, but I’m too lazy to DVR so let’s go along with her premise) – if your child is chattering in the background and your significant other goes “is that your puppy?” and you don’t correct them, guess what? You called your daughter a dog.

There was also some lipservice paid to Precious Paris’ non-storyline. Rich comes up with a million excuses as to why he didn’t do his job, but everyone’s pretty much in consensus that it didn’t work out because he wasn’t trying to do the downtown funky brown with her.

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Chrissy and Chink go back and forth over their Ebony and Cracked Ivory relationship. I don’t have many damns to give about this storyline, except that Chrissy’s wigs look infinitely crazier in montage. That said, Erica’s shots against her were truly vile, and did nothing but convince me that she really was turning tricks for Chrissy. Who goes that HAM against someone you claim is insignificant?

Speaking of pale women with platinum blonde hair, I really thought that Chrissy had switched her wig yet again…only to realize that Cisco’s mom had arrived on stage to blast Diamond for her poor decision making. Diamond tearfully declares that Cisco had told her that she would move in with him or else she wouldn’t have left her daughter behind – as if the reason she left her behind wasn’t because she lied about having a child. #LettucePray that Mylisa breaks the cycle.

Next up is the reunion finale, which is coming around quicker than Cyn can curve Cisco. Until next week.