It’s been a relatively slow week for rapey vat of curdled Cheez Whiz Donald Trump and his cadre of paint thinner-dipped sociopathic marionettes. Perhaps it’s because he’s currently on his 27th vacation of the last three months, and there’s no dry snitches left to fire for outing cocksucking contortionists to the New Yorker. But don’t fret. Something will happen soon—perhaps he’ll tweet that homosexuals are banned from driving Dodge Challengers—and we’ll be reminded that our country is being led by the World’s Strongest Case Against White Privilege Ever.
I wrote the preceding paragraph yesterday afternoon before saving it in drafts to finish today because I had something to do. And then, as soon as I hit save, I checked Twitter and saw that we’re perhaps a misspelled tweet away from nuclear war, which made me feel like some Trump-sensitive spyware read that paragraph and said “LOLOLOL SLOW WEEK I’M GONNA SHOW YOU.” His presidency has truly been the gift that keeps on giving. And that gift is a Groupon for a bag of flaccid possum dicks left on your doorstep every day.
Fortunately, Trump has been so terrible, so criminal and so capital-letter White that there’s a chance he may not see the end of his term. Perhaps he’ll get impeached. Perhaps he’ll get indicted. Perhaps he’ll get stabbed to death by a dancer at Stadium Club in Washington, D.C. Either way, President Pence isn’t that farfetched an idea.
The tenuousness of Trump’s grip on the presidency and the inevitability of Pence taking his place has been a thing people talk about since Pence became Trump’s running mate. And it’s often acknowledged that as bad as Trump is, Pence would be even worse. Because sentient urinal cake dipped in holy water Mike Pence is (actually) smart, (possibly) insane and (definitely) evil. And would have the patience, the politics and the wherewithal to actually get shit done.
The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen recently devoted an entire column to the question of who would be worse:
So now Pence stands to Trump’s side, his head nodding at every inanity. He is the cardboard cutout for a soulless and opportunistic Republican Party, a display to put in the window of some Trump souvenir shop. In a sense, he is worse than the man he serves. Trump is a child — undisciplined, capricious and self-involved. Pence is none of those things. Trump knows nothing. Pence knows better. So who would be worse?
To me, this is like the Iran-Iraq War. I cannot pick a side and, to my relief, I don’t have to. But if I were Trump, I’d keep an eye on that nodding head over my shoulder. Pence professes loyalty to Trump, but when it comes to principles, he’s not even loyal to himself.
The answer, of course, is Donald Trump. Because while Trump is a man with a 7-year-old’s brain trapped inside a 96-year-old Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s body, his most redeeming quality—perhaps his only redeeming quality—is that he’s still able to mobilize and excite his base and is such a force of personality that people have chosen to follow him. People give a fuck about Donald Trump.
Sadly, no one gives any fucks about Mike Pence. If Trump is still able to hold rallies with thousands of people in packed stadiums and auditoriums, Pence could hold rallies filled with all the fucks people don’t give about him. It’d be an orgy of fuck deficiency. A bacchanalia of fuck paucity. A fuckless feast! A fuck-few festival!
He would not become—as Trump has been—a white-supremacist lightning rod, someone who’s made every bigot and racist more comfortable with showing their true colors in public. He wouldn’t cause Mexican ex-presidents to spit and drop f-bombs each time his name is mentioned, and he wouldn’t almost start World War III each time he shook a foreign leader’s hand. They’d just wonder why America elected a loaf of butterless Wonder Bread president. And then they’d forget about him. You don’t remember the last time you saw a butterless slice of Wonder Bread, so why should they?