President Donald Trump holds a Black History Month listening session attended by Ben Carson and other officials on Feb. 1, 2017, in Washington, DC. (Michael Reynolds/Pool/Getty Images)

Repurposed Barcalounger with two dozen 10-year-old copies of Jet Magazine stuffed into it Ben Carson referred to slaves as immigrants during a speech he gave to HUD employees earlier today. This should be a surprise to exactly no one who has paid any attention to the words that have managed to escape Carson's barely conscious mouth over the past two years, as he carries himself and speaks like his brain is A) stuck in The Sunken Place and is B) perfectly fine hanging out there as long as he has enough pretzels to eat and episodes of NCIS to watch. He is, at the time of writing, the world's least helpful nigga.

But because Carson's aggressive bout of malignant anti-brilliance now actually has the power to affect people's lives, he must be stopped. Which actually confuses me. Because I know Ben Carson has family. Carson aint exactly an uncommon name, so he must have dozens of cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles. Plus the dozen or so people who always show up to family reunions and you're not quite sure how they're related or even if they're even actually family but they're always there and one even brought that really good whiting last year so you don't ask questions. So why haven't any of these people taken Uncle Ben aside and told him to chill with the "holding office" and "saying things in public" thing in a while? And, if that didn't work, couldn't someone just tell him the fam was meeting up at Old Country Buffet after church next Sunday and then, when he got there, locked him inside of the restaurant for the next year? I'm sure he'd be happy too. He'd have more than enough food and they could even install flat screen TVs to air nothing but HGTV and Root Sports.

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Seriously, if anyone from the Carson family is reading this, take your gifted-by-osmosis hands and use them to kidnap and silence your Uncle Ben before he hurts someone! The country is counting on you.