Petty Reasons to Vote, Ranked

Illustration for article titled Petty Reasons to Vote, Ranked
Photo: David Becker (Getty Images)

10. To direct passive-aggressive subs at significant others.

Maybe SOMEONE would have got up and voted this morning if they weren’t up all night eating FLAMING HOT Cheetos and watching PORN.

9. To flirt with elderly women at polling stations, pretending that you want phone numbers and panties when you really just want spaghetti recipes and rock candy.

8. To be able to rock a “Vote or Die” shirt to the cemetery plot of your archnemesis—who died last month—just so you can say, “I guess we both made our choices.”


7. To put “Don’t forget, but the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead” as the write-in candidate.

6. To snatch up all the yard signs at your polling station, just because you’re not really feeling the fonts all like that.

5. To scream “3/5ths DEEZ NUTS!” at every white person you see.

4. To follow rap producer No I.D. to his polling station, and say “I guess your name is redundant as a motherfucker here, huh?”


3. So that, when your three-year-old daughter asks, “Why did you vote, Daddy?,” you can say, “Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

2. To sneer at niggas without “I Voted” stickers.

1. Because Bill Cosby can’t.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Hyperbolic Idiot Chamber

So I can tell my racist grandma I voted for all the brown people.