Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images

Caucasoid Pez dispenser dipped in a vat of rancid Hellmann’s Piers Morgan asked and answered the world’s most disingenuous question yesterday in a column that addressed a clip of University of New Hampshire sorority girls singing along to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” Morgan, a flaccid portmanteau of Alfred from Batman and dead Andrew Breitbart, blamed Kanye and every other black person who continues to use “nigga” for white people repeating it. Basically, if we really want them to stop, we need to stop first.

Mein Kampf Michael Caine is not the first and will not be the last shithead to ask if white people should be allowed to say nigga, willfully ignoring the thousands of nuanced answers to this question that already exist as well as the intentionally unnuanced (and best) one that already exists, too: Fuck no.

Advertisement

To his credit, unfettered manifest destiny and dominion is such an inextricable part of what it means to be white that saying, “No, you can’t do this one thing” is like telling a dog he can’t lick his own ass. Like “What do you mean I can’t lick it? It’s my ass and it’s right there! It only exists for me to lick! My anus is delicious!” So while he can go fuck himself, hearing “nah” must be really, really hard for him, and I feel bad about that.

So bad, in fact, that I’ll offer him—and any other nonniggas who want to say nigga—a reprieve today. You are officially allowed to say nigga. I, a veteran nigga and a veteran nigga user, am granting you that permission. But only if niggas who happen to be in your vicinity are allowed to slap the shit out of your bitch ass when you do.

Deal?