Please Stop Pretending You Have Any Clue Why Trump Bombed Syria, Because His Daft Ass Doesn't Know Either!

(Michael Reynolds/Pool/Getty Images)
(Michael Reynolds/Pool/Getty Images)

Interestingly enough, the most annoying byproduct of the reign of Darth Cheeto and the gaggle of sycophantic Nazi chiltins surrounding him isn't actually the burgeoning genre of MAGA fanfic trying to explain the unconditional support he still receives from his followers — where writers, essayists, journalists, bloggers, and reporters spend thousands of words examining them when three (IT'S FUCKING RACISM) would suffice. You'd think it would be, but it's not. Instead, its the idea that Donald Trump — that witless collection of disrespectfully half-eaten chicken wings fused together with bear semen — is somehow some sort of scheming mastermind.


Absolutely nothing this daft shitcan has said or done in his lifetime would suggest that he's anything but a bile-filled Muppet whose only valuable skill is walking in the direction his name is being called the loudest. But every time he says or does anything, (some) people want to act like he's motherfucking Rasputin. As if he has any thoughts circling through that syphilitic skull of his other than golf, pussy, and bigen. As if he doesn't have the attention span and impulse control of an infant squirrel dipped in a vat of Mountain Dew. At the time of writing, there are roughly 134813274894 different theories circulating today about why he decided to bomb Syria, when the most likely one is that he had some really good waffles for breakfast at Mar-a-Lago on Monday, and really liked the maple syrup, and kept saying "That was some really bomb syrup." And an aid was like "Excuse me, sir? You want to bomb Syria?" And he was like "Yeah, I want some bomb syrup." And now Syria is bombed, and Trump just fired that aid for not bringing him any more syrup.

Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner — these are not exceptional men. These vile chickenhawks are just ordinary and petty White dudes with money and power. That's it. There's nothing to see other than what you see. Maybe they'll cause World War III, and maybe they won't. But stop giving these barely sentient bumbling fucks so much damn credit for being so aggressively mediocre.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Courtney Wheeler

I swear every-time I go to bed early 45 does something that makes me stress eat.