WLWT screenshot

Via WLWT, Cincinnati local news:

Some of the contents of Sam DuBose's car at the time of his death have been identified. WLWT has confirmed through CPD's search warrant inventory document that four bags and a jar of marijuana were in Dubose's car at the time of the July 19 traffic stop that ended in former UC Officer Ray Tensing fatally shooting DuBose.

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The fatal shooting in question is part of a recent crackdown by police officers on illegal possession and use of marijuana. There is a high correlation between unwarranted Black fatalities and presence of marijuana that has been visible in recent reporting trends, but the correlation remains a mystery. In order to shed some light on the situation, our correspondents spoke with Sergeant Tad Bradinski, an outspoken advocate for strict marijuana-policing.

“I’ve been trained to shoot at bags of marijuana, the smell of marijuana, even the concept of marijuana,” Bradinski explained. “It’s just too dangerous to take the time to act deliberately when marijuana is present. I've even tasered a bag of marijuana before. Because you can never be too careful.”

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Bradinski, a former hippie and user of marijuana, completely changed his worldview one day when he found messages on his wife’s phone indicating that she had been trying to sleep with her Black weed dealer. He only found out years later that the man didn’t even sell weed and his wife had just been confused. That didn’t take away his passion for murdering the marijuana problem, however.

“Oh, Black people? They’re just collateral damage. We shoot White people’s marijuana, too, when we bother to check for it. We just make sure they move out of the way first, if we can help it.”

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Bradinski isn’t alone in his censure for marijuana. Caroline Jasper, head of the “Whites for All Lives and No Marijuana” (WALNM) advocacy group based in Salem, Virginia, has been outspoken about marijuana on her social media feed for the past few weeks. This was a departure from her norm, as most of her previous social media activity had been focused around Confederate flags, deer, and her daughter’s beauty pageants.

“We’ve only been around for a few weeks now,” Jasper explained, carefully smoking a roach she lit with a Confederate flag Zippo lighter. “But now that we’ve realized we can antagonize Black people by pretending to care about weed, we’re all over it. I hadn’t even realized so many people thought it was a problem.”

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Jasper formed the group with other conservative friends who are periodically vocal about the dangers of weed smoking. Bodean Abbott, head of “Eugenics is for the Kids,” a grassroots organization dedicated to repurposing Planned Parenthood, believes WALNM can do a lot of good for the community. He joined both organizations after resigning from his post as city councilman in the wake of a local scandal where several folders of what is described by local outlets as “Ebony” pornography were found on his laptop computer.

“It’s nice when news outlets focus on the real issues,” Abbott declared. “I mean, you have all this talk about the presidential election and the future of the country, but the economy’s gonna be fine now that marijuana is legal. We really have to make sure the guns stay pointed at the weed. The weed that matters, that is. Black weed matters.”

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Scientists are baffled at all the new properties weed has purportedly gained over the past few years. Dr. Lara Collins, a pharmacist at Generic Labs in Aurora, Colorado, said that she’s been busy testing and re-testing several strains of marijuana to try and find the effects that police officers have been describing in users.

“It’s all very compelling,” Collins told us. “The way marijuana has been described, it has properties of depressants, psychedelics, opioids, psychotropics, and stimulants. It’s like the anti-panacea, which goes against pretty much the entire body of research we have on cannabis. If there is a new strain of marijuana we’re missing that causes all of this, that could be very dangerous, yes. But I can’t imagine how weed could be so drastically different from what we already know it to be.”

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Scientists are currently seeking samples of the weed found in DuBose’s car in order to determine if it could have given him telepathic powers to cause Officer Tensing to lose control of his gun and shoot DuBose. It is unclear if the findings will be used in court proceedings.