Quiz: How 'Black, But Not Like You Regular Blacks' Are You?

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1. As a kid, what music did you listen to?

A) I was that eclectic and special and unusual black kid who listened to Steely Dan and Jodeci. I think that’s why I got into Brown. (14 points)

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B) Whatever I wanted to listen to. I don’t understand this question. (0 points)

C) Mostly stuff on the radio, I guess. (2 points)

2. Your favorite leafy green substance to eat is?

A) Seaweed, because I was ordering it in restaurants at four. (17 points)

B) Kale, because my mom once told me “only average niggas eat romaine.” (24 points)

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C) Um, greens nigga. (0 points)

3. Do you own a passport?

A) I have “Stamps Are Life” tattooed on my ribcage. (18 points)

B) How else would I be allowed into brunch? (18 points)

C) I think so? Maybe I got one for that family cruise seven years ago. I don’t remember. (2 points)

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4. The key to financial independence is?

A) Be exceptional, and make exceptionally exceptional decisions. (14 points)

B) Read 48 Laws of Power. (10 points)

C) Rich parents. (0 points)

5. Did you attend your high school reunion?

A) That one kid in 4th grade used to tease me for “talking white” and “smelling like lima beans,” so no. (17 points)

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B) Of course! How else was I going to stunt on them hoes? (8 points)

C) I did, but quickly learned that Facebook kinda makes those things obsolete now. (0 points)

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6. If you had a choice between lunch with Jay-Z or $317.59, which would you choose?

A) Man, just one nugget from that convo over tacos might be worth millions, so of course the lunch. (15 points)

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B) Will Beyonce be there? (4 points)

C) What kind of headass question is this? I’m gonna take that money, buy my broke ass some food, and if I still want to sit with Jay-Z, I’ll just go listen to “Hard Knock Life” while I’m eating my fries. (0 points)

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7. How much do you sleep at night?

A) Y’all can do all that sleeping. I’ll be over here building empires. (19 points)

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B) I try to get 5 to 7 hours. (0 points)

C) I have three kids. WTF is sleep? (0 points)

8. Do you have haters?

A) I sure hope not. They’d be wasting their time. (0 points)

B) Like Fab said, haters are like waiters, cause they only come when you eatin’ (9 points)

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C) The preferred term is nemesis. (23 points)

Bonus: Are you your ancestors?

A) I can only hope to be as brave and resilient as they were. (0 points)

B) My ancestors are all dead from diving off the decks of slave ships, and I’m still alive, so no. (17 points)

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C) Nah, cause you can catch these tweets! (16 points)

Score: 60 or more: Congrats! You’re appropriately, demonstratively, and unambiguously special, you special ass nigga you! You’re so unlike the rest of them unspecial blacks that you might not even be black anymore. Black-ish is already taken, so why don’t we call you Black-esque?

20 to 59: You’re exceptional-ish, but could stand to be a bit more exceptional to distinguish you from those regular blacks. Maybe you should watch some Ted Talks.

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19 and below: You regular-ass black nigg(er), how did you even find this page? Shouldn’t you be somewhere eating a bowl of yams or something?

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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for GQ.com. His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.