Although the people who’ve come to be known as hoteps get a bad rap today, I have a measure of sympathy for them because I went through a moderate hotep phase in college — something I know many 35-to-45 year old black people can definitely relate to. Basically, being a hotep is like smoking weed. Most have tried it at least once, but some never quite learn how to inhale.
Anyway, there were (and are) levels to this hotep shit. Perhaps you just had hotep tendencies, or maybe you’re literally Lord Jamar. Let’s find out!
1. How long did you boycott Tommy Hilfiger after he went on Oprah and said he didn’t want black people wearing his clothes?
A) Seven months (4 points)
B) I haven’t rocked Tommy since (7 points)
C) You do know he never actually said that, right? In fact, he never even went on Oprah then. (0 points)
2. Have you ever used the phrase “mind sex” or one of its myriad derivatives (ie: “Lemme massage the fuck out of your mentals and give brains to your brain”) unironicially?
A) Of course. There’s nothing sexier than an orgasm of overstanding. (22 points)
B) Just once or twice after hearing that Dead Prez song. (2 points)
C) Fuck no. (-5 points)
A) LOL at “phase.” (3 points)
B) Does it count if I dated and/or slept with multiple kofi rocking niggas? (It does, doesn’t it?) (2 points)
C) I don’t think so. What’s a kufi? (-1 point)
A) 171 (13 points)
B) Once or twice, I guess. (1 point)
C) Theodore Witcher is my cousin. (7 points)
A) The God just said he was reading his core lessons and would call back at 7? Is that not obvious? (18 points)
B) I remember someone saying it on that one Wu album. (4 points)
C) No. (0 points)
6. Is your name something like “Edward” or “John” or “Kim” or “Rufus,” and did you, at any point, start telling people to call you “Knowledge” or “Freedom” or “Liberty” or “Microwave?”
A) Does “Liberation” count? (13 points)
B) Yes. For a month in 1999. (4 points)
C) I don’t know anyone named Rufus. (-2 points)
A) You’re saying he didn’t? (23 points)
B) Pretty damn convinced. But not as convinced as the nigga who told me that Trojan’s a front for the CDC, which is why he never wore condoms. (6 points)
C) But if it really were for sale, why would they sell it to him and not Rock Hudson or Liberace or one of the much-more-famous-than-Magic’s-ass white people who died from it? (-4 points)
8. Have you ever held a Pre-Paid Legal meeting in your living room, attracting friends by asking them if they dreamt of being truly self-sufficient?
A) Of course. Who doesn’t want to be able to finally work for themselves? (8 points)
B) Does it count if you just attended and then bought some Pre-Paid Legal for yourself? (3 points)
C) I’m not sure if I know what you’re talking about. (-1 point)
9. Did you rhyme more in sentences during regular conversation than in the spoken word poems you performed?
A) Of course I did/Cause y’all niggas is dead/Or trying to do something when/ your life span’s real Republican. (17 points)
B) My spoken word poems always rhymed! That’s the only way I’d be able to memorize and perform them. (5 points)
C) Is this a riddle? (o points)
A) None. Unless you count Molly. But she didn’t really count though, cause she had finger waves. (24 points)
B) If I told you then it wouldn’t be a secret, would it? (7 points)
C) *Sigh* (2 points)
(5 points or less) You had no hotep tendencies. You may pass go, but you might be a Russian bot.
(6 to 20 points) You were slightly hotep. A 40-degree day hotep. Not hotep enough to matter, but hotep enough to appreciate patchouli.
(21 to 40 points) Shit. Your third eye was all the way the fuck open. Did you graduate?
(41 or more points) B.o.B, is that you?