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Bougie Black People are known for many things. Selfies on bike trails. Coed kickball games. Groupon. Alcoholism. Day parties. Running for Congress. Pescetarianism. Tapered jeans. Delta fundraisers. Working for The Root.

But while it's true that BBP partake in many of these activities because they find them pleasurable and/or profitable, it's also true that the opportunity to meet people they're romantically interested in and the opportunity to make themselves more attractive to people they're romantically interested in matters just as much.

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This in itself doesn't distinguish them much from others. What differentiates Bougie Black People is that while most others spent their late teens and early 20s doing things like "fucking" and "having sex with people," BBP were "carrying actual books in bookbags" and "taking full advantage of professor office hours" and "volunteering at panels and shit."

The result is a bunch of 28-to-35 year olds, finally unencumbered and (relatively) free, attempting to replicate the sexual behavior of 18-to-25 year olds.

Unfortunately, Bougie Black People cannot stop being Bougie Black People. Since they cannot stop being Bougie Black People, the same assumed uniqueness and the same tendencies to overthink things and outsmart themselves that's associated with their non-sexual selves also applies to their sexual selves.

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And, this is how a bottle of Merlot turns “We should use condoms” into "Well, she just got out of a three year relationship — which means she's only been with one other guy in the last three years — and she works for Booz Allen. And I know Booz Allen makes its employees take regular drug and blood tests because of their government contracts, so if she had something, she'd know it. Plus, she's on the praise team at her church, and I'm great at pulling out. So yeah, no condom."