Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water

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If you happen upon a group of Bougie Black People in the wild — organizing Trap Kayaking trips or attempting to convince people they've "been on SZA since See.SZA.Run" — and you truly wanted to engage them in conversation, ask them about when they discovered that fruit juices and sodas were evil, and listen to them expound on how they haven't had a Pepsi since 2007. Pay attention as they articulate the myriad ways processed sugars wreak havoc on your body, and try very, very, very hard not to say "You know mimosas include orange juice, right?" or "You do realize a shot of Honey Jack is like 300 calories?"

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Since BBP cut juices and sodas out of their diets, it's no surprise that they've developed an affinity for water. They drink nothing but it at restaurants, and if you happened to be at a Bougie Black Person's home and you requested something to drink, your only available options would be water, wine, and whiskey. And, if you happened to choose water, the BBP will say "Sure!" and will ask you to choose a bottle from a pack sitting underneath a couch. Or perhaps they'll disappear into the kitchen, and return with a glass filled with water that feels like it was heated up for tea like a day ago and never taken out of the pot.

Of course, since you're used to glasses of water with ice in them and bottles of water not distilled from a sauna, you might be confused. Perhaps you'll even wonder if your Bougie Black friend is experiencing some secret financial hardships and just can't afford ice. But don't be alarmed! They've just gone post-cold water, and naturally assumed you shared their affinity for lukewarm Aquafina.

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There's still no definitive explanation for why BBP prefer room temperature water. The best guess is that ice cold water reminds them of flaccid penises and Taylor Swift, but that's still just a theory. For now, however, just accept their offers of 90 degree water on an 80 degree day as a kind gesture. And either drink it or use it to take a really quick bath.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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Unrelated BUT tomorrow I'll be sailing away into the sunset to Mexico for 5 days for my 27th birthday and my daughters 6th birthday!!!! See yall in a week.