Assuming that I haven’t yet woken up from what I was thoroughly convinced was a fever dream, we are less than 50 days away from Election Day 2016. Labor Day has come and gone, and we are facing a credible possibility that the next four years of the American executive branch will be led by the sentient chunk of peach fuzz by the name of Donald J. Trump.
At this point, there have been millions of words written about the Trump campaign, its supporters, Trump himself, and how it has made a collective mockery of the media cycle and general politics writ large, spurning the presumptive necessity of things such as accuracy, grasp of policy, and general human decency. We passed the “facts don't matter” train several months ago, and we’re riding this scam all the way to November 8th. The Trump Foundation is a big gofundme hoax? Sure! Trump is stumping at Black churches with the anthromorphized toilet bowl of Fox News? Why not! Trump claiming he laid the birther scandal to rest, a narrative that was about as effective as Chris Christie’s lap band surgery? Have at it!
HOWEVER, I draw the line at candy. Confectionary sweets the likes of Skittles have no place in political propaganda — especially nonsensically constructed metaphors equating them to Syrian refugees.
Besides getting into the fact that Americans engage in culinary behavior that brings them closer to death every day, rendering the analogy moot (see: me with hot wings), Skittles are too decent of a candy to be co-opted by the Make America Great Again ilk of America. Not to say that they’re an exceptional candy, per se. They’re decent enough to be passable in small doses, but still overrated for its quality. Skittles are the Survivor’s Remorse of candies - mediocre, but still too good for Trump/Pence 2016.
That said, there are plenty of trash candies we can gladly trade for to retain the rights to the Skittle brands with the greater American public. If Trump’s fanbase insists on claiming a set of candies for their very own, I would suggest one of the following:
1. Tootsie Rolls
They’re shaped like poo and the disgusting aftertaste never seems to go away, no matter how much water you drink. They’re also constantly in the candy dish of every annoying Black great-uncle who’s a secret Republican.
2. Candy Corn
Because Candy Corn is the devil and so is Trump’s hairstylist. It also shares qualities with Trump’s face with respect to its wax consistency. If you like Candy Corn you are guaranteed to not like nice things, like immigration rights or equal rights for women. Off to Trump you go.
Does anyone under the age of 60 eat Twizzlers? I don’t know why gnawing on tart rope is a beloved pasttime of the denture-laden community, but that candy can get out of my Caucasian house and scam it’s way into theirs. YES RED VINES COUNT TOO. Licorice is nasty and I rebuke it. Debate your aunties that still think homosexuality is a lifestyle they have the right to disagree with, and send them along to the GOP with that trash ass candy.
4. Marshmallow Peeps
Peeps are God’s silent retribution for the centuries of pillaging that was done in the name of Christianity, I swear it. Every Easter until the end of time, scores of children are forced to endure the abominable tradition of eating multiple artificially flavored sponges shaped like bunnies, as if politely taking a bite of the deacon’s wife’s sweet potato pie after service isn’t enough. I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way…and then drop kick that affront to our collective tastebuds right into Trump Jr’s smug face.
Honorable mentions: Sweet Tarts , Smarties, whatever the hell these are.
Make the candy aisle great again — and don’t ever disrespect the high fructose corn syrup gods by comparing their treats to human beings.