Back in the days after I was a teenager and well after I had a Skypager (I never had a Skypager) I wrote about significant moments in Black history that never really happened. By no means a definitive list, it included such landmark and hallmark moments as the death of Ricky on the streets of South Central Los Angeles in Boyz N The Hood and Dwayne and Whitley getting married on A Different World. These things mattered and always will. Ricky taught dudes that if you're running from somebody with a gun, you best hit that zig zag motion and be unpredictable. Don't zig when you need to zag, my G. And for heaven's sake, do NOT run in a straight line from the gunfire.
But there are TONS more moments that have had an impact on the community that never actually happened in real life. Because they're fictitious. Because they aren't real. Because fiction.
Well guess who's back in the motherfuckin' house with some more significant moments?!? I noticed you noticing me. So I wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too.
1. James dying on Good Times and Florida adding to the Black lexicon
One of the most significant moments in Black history that never really happened was James Evans, Sr's death in an automobile accident in Mississippi. He had gone down there to find work. Turns out he got that work. Okay, that was a bad pun. My bad. Point is, James death wasn't like, the worst shit to ever happen. Niggas die everyday, b. I mean it sucked royally for their family as James was a stand up guy just trying to do well by his family. And it was super sad. They read that letter at a party. Talk about your mood dampener. But what made it super significant was what happened when Florida had her breakdown moment in the kitchen. She uttered words that have lived on in the Black community since 1976, "DAMN DAMN DAAAAAAAAAMN". I wasn't even alive when this happened and I say it like that whenever the opportunity presents itself. Outkast threw it in a song. White people remember it. If somebody ever asks you where that saying came from, you should rip them apart with vicious rhetoric.
2. Big Red dangling Bird over the balcony in The Five Heartbeats
This is important (and significant) for a few reasons. 1. Bird deserved an award for his acting in that scene. It really seemed like they dangled his ass over the balcony. 2. It led to the greatest notification of office hours of all time. All business whose office hours are from 9 to 5 should use that recording. When I open my own business, the office hours will be from 9-5 'pacfically so I can say, "my office hours are from…" and have some little voice saying…"9..to…sob…5…" 3. This scene was part of what led to the death of Jimmy Potter which, fuck Eddie King, Jr. for that one as a staff, as a label, and as a motherfuckin' crew. Honestly, The Five Heartbeats has so many monumental moments (Eddie singing "…nights like this I wish, raindrops would fa-aaaaaaaaaaa-aalll…" to the soundtra…wait a minute)..
2b. The Five Heartbeats Soundtrack sucking major nuts
Bruh. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to take the songs from the movie that we all LOVED and remix then make them shitty? Do you know why that was significant? It was the first time a soundtrack based on a movie about music fucked up SO badly that nearly everybody hated the soundtrack. The vocals in the movie were so good why not just release that? But noooooooooooooooooooooooo. Turrble. Just turrble.
3. Those suckas got served in You Got Served
3. Kane dying in Menace II Society
Fictional deaths are a real cottage industry in Never-Really-Happened Black History. I took Kane's death pretty hard. It was because of his voiceover. See, earlier in the movie his grandfather asked him if he cared if he lived or died. He wasn't sure in that moment. Turns out, yeah, he did…but now it was too late. Kane gone. Our nigga dead. Poor Shareef. Didn't even know who Willy Lump Lump was - none of us do - and caught a bad one. Ricky dying was just unfair. It hurt. Kane dying was showing how a kid who decided to try to do right after doing SO MUCH WRONG still can't make it out of LA. It also introduced us to Samuel Monroe, Jr aka Ilena's cousin that got stomped out by Kane and O-Dog who came back blasting. Since that killing, he got Stony's little brother killed in Set It Off and raped Ebony in The Player's Club. I saw a meme about him online and it was so true. The gist? On God…I wouldn't trust that nigga in real life, fam. Truer words were never spoken.
4. The entire movie of Belly
Have you seen this shit? Belly is the worst kinda good movie of all time. I'd stake my life on this. Well, maybe not my life. But perhaps my spleen. It's a music video parading as a movie. If it was billed as a long form music video, like Michael Jackson's "Thriller" it might be the greatest long form music video of all time. But it's a movie. And almost a kinda good but not really one. Yet it gave us classic lines like, "Africa? That's far." and "When's the last time you read anything, man?" "Never, motherfucker." Brilliance. Women all seem to love the uber-aggressive sex scene with DMX and that tall drink of chocolate milk, Taral Hicks donning the most ubiquotous hood name ever, Kisha. Tyrin Turner playing the version of Kane that didn't die and made it out of LA only to move to Nebraska, get a perm, eat lots of bananas and wear really thick glasses. The scene with the honorable minister…its classic. Oh, what makes it significant?
It was the first time they never should have given you niggas money.
Miss Celie took back her power. He wasn't worth it. And we were all happy. I still do the finger sometimes. It ain't real if you don't do the fingers that she threw at Mister on the way out the door.