Six Things No One Tells You About Your Wedding Day

VSB
VSB

1. You will not eat.

Ok, this is a lie. Several people who've gone through this process before warned us there wouldn't be much time for eating. But, since we believed we're special little snowflakes and shit, we ignored them. After all, the venue we chose was specifically chosen because of their brunch menu. What's the point of spending all that money for those delicious meats if we couldn't eat them, right?

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Well, the point is obviously for all of your family and friends to tell you about how great the food was, and for you to resist the urge to bite them on the shoulder.

2. You will have a small snapshot into a celebrity's life.

There was a moment directly after the cake cutting, the cake knife dropping, and the cake face smashing where we turned to walk to the dance floor and were met by 50 or so of our guests. All smiling at us. All taking pictures. It was surreal. And overwhelming. And even a little scary.

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Our wedding and reception lasted five hours. For someone like Beyonce or Lebron this is their entire public life. Every move watched. Every statement dissected. Every meal interrupted. Every mood deconstructed. I…I just can't imagine living a life like that. Just five hours of that gave me more sympathy for what those types of celebrities have to deal with daily than 35 years of life had.

Basically, I don't excuse Justin Bieber for being Justin Bieber. But I understand, dog. I understand.

3. The awesomest part? Aside from marrying the love of your life? Having all of your closest friends and family members in the same room at the same time.

There's really no other time when you'll have people from all corners of your life together in one place. Well, maybe your funeral. But that doesn't really count, cause you won't be there.

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4. If you're the groom, no one really gives a damn about you.

***Conversation I had with our wedding planner during our rehearsal***

"When you get my cue, start walking towards the stairs."

"I know the bride has a song cue, but do we have one as well?"

"Nah. No one really cares about your entrance. Just don't trip."

"Ok."

5. You will not be you.

If you know me, you know I attempt to be Mr. Too Cool For School. (Or Emotion. Or Smiling. Or Any Remotely Human Reaction.) Of course, this is just an attempt. I do have emotions and shit. I cried during Akeelah and the Bee. But, I pride myself on my ability to be pragmatic, objective, and unflappable. Define myself by it, even.

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But, while waiting for my wife to come down the aisle, all of that cool shit disappeared. My palms were sweaty and my hands were shaking. I got lightheaded, and this lightheadedness made me so focused on keeping a proper posture than I overdid it. One of my cousins said I looked like I was about to get in a three-point stance.

And when I saw her? I don't remember doing this, but everyone says I smiled harder and longer than they've ever see me. Basically, I was everything — nervous, anxious, jumpy, horny — but cool.

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6. People are going to say things like "Where's your wife?" and "Your wife is so beautiful." and "Your wife is eating all of the sausage."…and you'll have no idea who they're talking about because you're still not used to referring to your wife as your wife.

***Conversation I had with my wife (!!!) a few hours ago***

"Damon."

"Yes?"

"I'm your wife, nigga."

"Damn. I guess you are. Crazy, right?"

"Right."

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

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panamajackson

I'm gonna go on ahead and toss some comments into the ring as an attendee at said wedding along. Luckily, we were all doing it for the 'gram so quite a few pictures are available via my IG IG and Twitter (@panamajackson) <—- not shameless self promotion when you're on your own site #mynigga

1. One of the best things about weddings is meeting folks family b/c you get the stories. Apparently Damon was the best 12-year-old basketball player in the history of ever. Also, it seems like every male in his family is or was a basketball star. I've never been around that many heavily invested ballplayin' ass ninjas ever that were actually good. That was dope.

2. #champswifenigga looked gorgeous. It was stated that she looked photoshopped…that's how beautiful she looked. #kiltthegame

3. Damon was lookin' suave himself. #gottoshowthebrolove

4. The wedding venue was fancy as the fcuk. It was all #bougieblackpeoplewedding style. Which was lovely. I took a few photos that ain't make it to the 'gram yet.

5. Their wedding program might be one of the funniest things I've ever read. Damon went full Damon on it clearly. Also, it included Sudoku incase folks were bored. Which…I actively saw folks working on the sudoku.

6. The other best part about weddings is catching up with people you rarely see but are friends nonetheless. A few VSBers were there. Quite a few hilarious conversations about country names, Alabama, ratchet music, feminism, and gentrification were had.

7. Also, Huny and I were standing in line to get our food and somebody, presumably a family member or friend or something, told us that our "brunch post" was hilarious. Which leads me to another interesting thing that happened…

8. Damon's family really loves VSB. Hell his best man shouted it out in his speech. LOL. But also, so many people stopped me to say hello and be like, "your Panama right? I love what y'all are doing with the site…I'm proud of you too…" I don't think this would replicate itself at my wedding. Frankly my family doesn't care or won't til I'm on somebody's red carpet smashing Zoe Saldana or Gabrielle Union. I think it was so great how actively interesed his family was in what we're doing with VSB, to the point they knew who the other guy was. That type of support…priceless.

9. Huny jacked my phone to delete pictures. LOL.

10. Yo, ALWAYS BRING A FLASK. I'm gonna get #ABAF #NeverForget tatted on my wrist at some point as a reminder that mimosas vary in strength. All I'm saying is, if you have a flask you bring a flask. To all fancy engagements. Trust me.

11. It really was a nice and fancy affair that was full of Damon and The Gay Reindeer's touches. It was a great time and I'm happy as hell for the two of them. From bachelor partying it up to chillin' the night before to the wedding and afterparty….props to my friend, Damon and his lovely wife and the new life they embark on together.