1. You will not eat.
Ok, this is a lie. Several people who've gone through this process before warned us there wouldn't be much time for eating. But, since we believed we're special little snowflakes and shit, we ignored them. After all, the venue we chose was specifically chosen because of their brunch menu. What's the point of spending all that money for those delicious meats if we couldn't eat them, right?
Well, the point is obviously for all of your family and friends to tell you about how great the food was, and for you to resist the urge to bite them on the shoulder.
2. You will have a small snapshot into a celebrity's life.
There was a moment directly after the cake cutting, the cake knife dropping, and the cake face smashing where we turned to walk to the dance floor and were met by 50 or so of our guests. All smiling at us. All taking pictures. It was surreal. And overwhelming. And even a little scary.
Our wedding and reception lasted five hours. For someone like Beyonce or Lebron this is their entire public life. Every move watched. Every statement dissected. Every meal interrupted. Every mood deconstructed. I…I just can't imagine living a life like that. Just five hours of that gave me more sympathy for what those types of celebrities have to deal with daily than 35 years of life had.
Basically, I don't excuse Justin Bieber for being Justin Bieber. But I understand, dog. I understand.
3. The awesomest part? Aside from marrying the love of your life? Having all of your closest friends and family members in the same room at the same time.
There's really no other time when you'll have people from all corners of your life together in one place. Well, maybe your funeral. But that doesn't really count, cause you won't be there.
4. If you're the groom, no one really gives a damn about you.
***Conversation I had with our wedding planner during our rehearsal***
"When you get my cue, start walking towards the stairs."
"I know the bride has a song cue, but do we have one as well?"
"Nah. No one really cares about your entrance. Just don't trip."
5. You will not be you.
If you know me, you know I attempt to be Mr. Too Cool For School. (Or Emotion. Or Smiling. Or Any Remotely Human Reaction.) Of course, this is just an attempt. I do have emotions and shit. I cried during Akeelah and the Bee. But, I pride myself on my ability to be pragmatic, objective, and unflappable. Define myself by it, even.
But, while waiting for my wife to come down the aisle, all of that cool shit disappeared. My palms were sweaty and my hands were shaking. I got lightheaded, and this lightheadedness made me so focused on keeping a proper posture than I overdid it. One of my cousins said I looked like I was about to get in a three-point stance.
And when I saw her? I don't remember doing this, but everyone says I smiled harder and longer than they've ever see me. Basically, I was everything — nervous, anxious, jumpy, horny — but cool.
6. People are going to say things like "Where's your wife?" and "Your wife is so beautiful." and "Your wife is eating all of the sausage."…and you'll have no idea who they're talking about because you're still not used to referring to your wife as your wife.
***Conversation I had with my wife (!!!) a few hours ago***
"I'm your wife, nigga."
"Damn. I guess you are. Crazy, right?"