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I'm trying (and failing) to think of a good and succinct analogy for what the FBI has done this month. Which is, of course, announce two weeks before the election that they were reopening their investigation into a non-issue (Clinton's emails — a clear and blatant political McGuffin). Which, of course, could potentially have a significant effect on the election. And then, two days before the election, make another announcement basically saying "Eh, nevermind. We good."

Ultimately, it was the equivalent of your landlord calling you hysterically at 3am to say "Remember that gas leak I told you not to worry about?" And then you jump out of bed frantic, worried your house is going to explode. And then he sends another text 17 minutes later saying "Yeah…still don't worry about it. Everything is cool." And now, since you're up, you decide to check apartment listings on Zillow and Craigslist anyway. Because while your place is safe, your landlord probably isn't going to want to rent to you anymore after you shank him.

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This is what I want to do to this year's election. I want to shank it. I want to make a shank out of a shoelace or a spork or a piece of jasmin rice or a fucking vat of human earwax, I want that shank to grow sharp and rusty, and I want to slide up next to Election 2016 while its waiting in line at Chipotle, shank it in its spleen, and moonwalk away. I want Election 2016 to get immediate amoebic dysentery and die right there in line, underneath the too-watery guacamole and the beef no one ever orders.

Fuck this election, man. See you Tuesday.