Illustration for article titled So NASCARs Official Response to Bubba Wallace Was We Just Have Random Nooses Around Sometimes and Thats It???

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT I KNOW THIS AIN’T FUNNY THIS IS AWFUL THIS IS TERRIBLE THIS IS HATEFUL THIS IS MISSISSIPPI BURNING THIS IS A NOOSE ON THE LOOSE BUT HOW DEEPLY HOW THOROUGHLY HOW HILARIOUSLY RACIST MUST YOUR ORGANIZATION BE FOR “THAT WASN’T A NOOSE OF HATE. THAT WAS JUST OUR TUESDAY NOOSE. HIS NAME IS FRED. FRED NOOSE” TO BE YOUR SINCERE OFFICIAL STATEMENT??? HOW MANY NOOSES ARE THERE IN NASCAR GARAGES??? BRUNCH NOOSES PLATONIC NOOSES DINNER PARTY NOOSES KINK NOOSES NIKE AIR MAX 98 NOOSES EMOTIONAL SUPPORT NOOSES MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED NOOSES NOOSES FOR LACTOSE INTOLERANT DRIVERS NEEDING ALTERNATIVE NOOSES FOR SENSITIVE STOMACHS??? OAT NOOSES CASHEW NOOSES ALMOND NOOSES IS THERE A NOOSE GUY ON STAFF OR DO THEY OUTSOURCE NOOSE PROCUREMENT AND RETENTION TO A NOOSE FACTORY A NOOSE WHOLESALER A NOOSE FARM WITH NOOSE BREEDING BINS OR MAYBE IT’S JUST SOMEONE’S OLD RETIRED MEMAW WHO BRINGS A BATCH OF FRESH NOOSES TO THE GARAGE EACH SEASON ON NOOSE DAY IS NOOSE DAY LIKE PICTURE DAY LIKE KENNYWOOD DAY FOR PITTSBURGHERS LIKE JUNETEENTH FOR REDNECKS SHIT THAT’S KINDA MORBID RIGHT???

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AND NOW BUBBA WALLACE WHO SEEMS LIKE A NICE MAN A KIND MAN THE LIGHTSKINT MAN TYLER PERRY WOULD CAST OPPOSITE KIMBERLY ELYSE IN THE CHICKENS COME HOME TO GOSPEL BRUNCH AS A HARDWORKING GOD-FEARING OMELETTE STATION ATTENDANT WHO SHE WON’T DATE AT FIRST CAUSE HE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE EGGS AND KILLED A MAN IN 2017 BUT THEN ONE SUNDAY AT THE OMELETTE STATION SHE SEES HER FAVORITE SCRIPTURE TATTED ON HIS NECK AND SHE ASKS WHERE HE GOT IT AND HE SAYS “FROM JESUS, IN PRISON.” AND SHE’S LIKE “YOU’RE BORN AGAIN?” AND HE’S LIKE “NO. MY CELLMATE. JESUS JENKINS. HE DID TATTOOS.” AND THEN SHE INVITES HIM TO CHURCH AND HE ACCEPTS AND HER EX IS THERE AND HE’S ALL SNOOTY LIKE “WHO’S THE EGG MAN?” AND SHE’S LIKE “HIS BEARD CONNECTS AND YOURS NEVER DID.” AND THEN BUBBA SHARES HIS DREAM OF OWNING HIS OWN FLEET OF OMELETTE STATION FOOD TRUCKS WHICH IS A WEIRD DREAM A BAD DREAM A DUMB DREAM THIS NIGGA NEEDS BETTER DREAMS A DREAM MENTOR OR SOMETHING BUT WHATEVER HE HAS GOALS SO THEY GET MARRIED AND THIS IS THE GUY THAT NASCAR WANTS TO FUCK WITH??? WE MUST PROTECT BUBBA THE LIGHTSKINT EGGMAN WALLACE AT ALL COSTS!!!

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for GQ.com, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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DISCUSSION

Brava to the romance story at the end of this. I’d watch the shit out of that.