So the Cavs Just Traded Everyone Except LeBron and LeBron’s Bigen

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I began writing this at 1:15 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I’m sharing this information with you just in case, in the time between literally right now as I’m typing this sentence and the time this is actually published, the Cavs also decide to trade Kevin Love, LeBron James’ barber, Tyronn Lue’s suits, a rotisserie chicken cooker, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, J.R. Smith’s pipe and an actual exhumed cavalier shipped in from England. And I just want you to know I’m doing what I can with the information available to me.


Because in the half hour before I started typing this, the Cavs basically traded their entire team. Isaiah Thomas? Gone. Dwyane Wade? Gone. Jae Crowder? Gone. Channing Frye? Gone. Iman Shumpert? Gone. Derrick Rose? Gone. Derrick Rose’s wedding certificate? Gone. And I have no clue what the rest of the day will bring.

I haven’t even bothered to see who’s on the Cavs now. I’m assuming they tried to get younger and more athletic, since their effort to get older, slower and grumpier didn’t really work out for them. I’d actually respect and appreciate if the Cavs just went full elderly and traded for Vince Carter, Charles Barkley, Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench. But will see.


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About the author

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB and a columnist for His debut memoir in essays, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins), is available for preorder.