I don’t typically smile at crime. In fact, I typically frown at crime. Crime, bad. Who’s bad? Crime. That’s how I feel, for real.
But every now and then, some crime happens that doesn’t make me frown, it turns my frown upside down. The news about a ramen noodle heist in Georgia did just that. I’m not even sure why. Like, I know something “bad” happened here. I mean, a whole ass 53-foot trailer did get heisted.
As per Atlanta’s Fox5 (emphasis mine):
Fayette County deputies are investigating a string of thefts that included five car break-ins, one stolen motorcycle, and one high-dollar heist of ramen noodles.
Nearly $100,000 worth of ramen noodles was sitting in a large trailer parked at a Chevron store on Georgia Highway 85 north.
Deputies said the 53-foot trailer carrying the noodle freight was stolen between July 25 and August 1.
I’ll go ahead and assume that most of us have purchased a pack of ramen noodles before. If I didn’t think some of you would judge me, I might admit that I’ve purchased a pack or 200 of ramen noodles within the past year. But I refuse to admit that, so it never happened even if it did. But for those of us who have purchased packs during the more trying times in life, I distinctly remember them always being on sale for like a buck a pack. The 10 for $10 deal was notorious.
I just looked on Amazon and you can legit get a 50-pack for $37.99. That comes out to roughly 75 cents per pack. That’s a deal, homie. But let’s keep it at a more manageable $1 per pack.
Homie stole a whole-ass truck with almost $100,000 worth of ramen noodles. Broski, that’s somewhere between 100,000 and approximately 133,000 packs of noodles.
WHOLE. HOOD. EATING.
WHOLE. HOOD. HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
I don’t know who stole this truck and neither does law enforcement. I imagine the culprit’s whereabouts will be able to be narrowed down when a whole-ass community suddenly stops buying ramen noodles. And it ain’t like you can righteously charge folks for noodles. I suppose a pack of 10 for $5 is a discount no matter how you slice it, so perhaps that might work out, but any decent thief just needs to hand these shits out like Thanksgiving turkeys. It’s too much product. Especially because folks will legit think about if they should spend that money on stolen ramen noodles. I would. I’d be like, “I don’t know, bro ... how do I know these are the original joints? Like, you might be selling me knockoff ramen noodles, bro.”
Sure, nobody in their right mind would invest in knockoff Top Ramen and pay for the packaging, but you never know, ya know? I’ve been watching a lot of Shark Tank lately and folks are very enterprising out here, even with their very bad ideas, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility, however unlikely.
I’m losing my point, which is this (in case you were wondering): Whoever stole a whole-ass, 53-foot truck full of ramen noodles gave me the jollies because who the fuck steals a small country’s lifetime supply of one of the least valuable, most unhealthy commodities of all time on purpose? And yet, the booty they got away with (thus far) makes for one of the funnier news items in a long time. And because it made me happy, I hope it makes you happy. Sharing is caring.
If only the thief handed out one of those Top Ramen cookbooks with every sale, then the world would truly be a better place.