Steve Harvey Is The St. Peter Of The Sunken Place

Drew Angerer/Getty Images
Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Imagine, if you can, the sheer terror of watching yourself descend into The Sunken Place. Your body suspended in a perpetual state of hypnagogia. Your mind lucid enough to be conscious of the fright and the dread of what's happening to your soul but too subdued — too horrifyingly and devastatingly paralytic — do to anything about it. The creep of knowing your being will soon be a portal, a wormhole, an exoskeleton, a theme park virtual reality exhibition, where you'll be controlled by an infestation of peak White appropriation, free to do whatever it wants to do with the spirit and shape that was once yours. The sadness of enough brain function existing to know — to remember — how you were lured and lied to and fooled. The agony of the recollection of shaking the hand of the man who'll now, for the rest of your days, be your masturbatory Geppetto.

Advertisement

And then, once you've begun to resign yourself to your fate, once you start to believe things can't get any worse, you're greeted at the gates of The Sunken Place by a large, melon-headed ghoul. He smiles when he sees you; his ghastly teeth impaled in his gums like telephone poles painted stark white; his eyes hungry and thirsty and dead and shameless like zombies promised large meals after Presidential photo ops. His costume (a pinstriped potato sack with 17,000 miniature buttons — Oh those horrible and terrible buttons! — each as fiendish and awful as this creature's face) as spine-chilling and revolting as his continence. Before ushering you into Hell, the beast mumbles something about "giving them a chance" out of his wretched mouthhole. And you laugh, for a split of a split second, at this leviathan's audacity. And also the ogre's accent, which sounds like a warthog doing an impression of a Black comedian doing an impression of a warthog.

But then, of course, your brief oasis of levity subsides, and you're soon reminded of the reality of your situation and the totally of your devastation. And you begin to cry. And then, once you're fully ensconced in The Sunken Place, with no escape and no way out but sweet, sweet death, the monster asks if you want some Harvey Food's Real Roasted Hardwood Smoked Easy Bacon.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

mooggyy-disqus
Mr. Mooggyy

Question(s) for the fam…

So, I watched Dave Chappelle's standup on Netflix last night! It was funny because, to me, Dave Chappelle is funny! Of course Dave will talk about whatever he feels and talk on some touchy subjects! Do you think Americans now are too progressive for the Dave Chappelle type comedy of a decade ago? For those who watched the special, please chime in as well?

Oh, second question! Does Dave a right to be upset at Key and Peele for basically doing a version of the Dave Chappelle Show?