You know that feeling when you drink a drink that you (frequently) drank as a young adult—Hpnotiq, perhaps (or maybe even the Incredible Hulk)—and you’re shocked and horrified (and impressed) by how terrible it tastes to you now? Well, that was me Sunday afternoon, after browsing channels and somehow landing on The Blind Side. Which, all things considered, might be the worst movie of the 21st century.
I always knew that it was the sort of white-savior schlock purchased and produced and seen and awarded to be an alleviating agent for white guilt. These movies are made about as often as it snows in Buffalo, and who doesn’t want to watch an even-pluckier-than-usual Sandra Bullock (in stilettos, no less!) tame a noble savage? But fuck. There are so many parts of this movie that are so very, very, very, very bad—including but not limited to the premise, the “mean” black woman from the NCAA who is literally just doing her fucking job, the caricature thugs threatening and lusting over white women like raccoons attacking a string of jerky, said white women threatening said thugs by reminding them that she’s in the NRA, etc.—that it made me feel how I used to feel after drinking Hqnotiq: frantic, sweaty and ready to punch someone with a burrito.
(And yes, I know it was based on a true story. But so is the story about the fly I killed in my living room this morning. Point? Not all true stories need movies made about them.)
The Blind Side is just one of many white-savior films Terence Nance skewers on his sublime WhitePeopleWontSaveYou.org—a website that just plays scenes from them on an endless loop while a chorus sings “White people won’t save you.” Also, the website doesn’t allow you to pause, rewind or fast forward. You just have to sit and watch and wonder when it ends. (I watched 19 minutes of it last night, so I know it’s at least that long.)
Anyway, go to the site and report back exactly how long you watched.