10. Clarence Thomas
Conservative politics and perpetually chapped lips are a clear sign of lotion avoidance. Also, I’m looking forward to the day when his brother in conservatism and chap, Paris Dennard, joins him on the list.
9. 50 Cent
His first hit single, “How To Rob,” was basically an ashy nigga’s Koran, and he’s been doubling down on ash ever since.
8. Tomi Lahren
I would bet good money that Tonsillitis Larceny is the type to come home from yoga and jump in bed without showering. Her top sheets probably smell like frozen broccoli.
7. Dr. Boyce Watkins
Although his brethrens in ash Dr. Umar Johnson and Tariq Nasheed are more conspicuously lotion avoidant, the sheer and luminous ash of Dr. Watkins blaming our wealth and education disparities on ... black women buying weave (???) must be acknowledged and praised for its ashy integrity. He is truly committed to dust.
6. Cory Booker
Ashy Cory could have actually been president one day if he would have invested in some high-intensity Dove instead of Wall Street.
5. Candice Owens
As my always sufficiently moisturized co-worker Anne Branigin reported a couple months ago, Owens—the latest iteration of the black women pulled off line at Chicos by conservatives to sic on black people—is so shamelessly, um, shameless with her thirst to matter that she ran an anti-Trump website just two years ago.
4. Kim Kardashian
Somehow manages to be excessively thirsty and perpetually ashy at the same time. Someone needs to get Kim some water!
3. Russell Simmons
I’ve heard, from multiple sources, that Russell Simmons gives weak dap. Perhaps there’s no obvious correlation between ash retention and flaccid dap, but I believe there is.
2. Nicki Minaj
Won’t go too hard on Nicki in this description, because she might DM my boss. Just disappointed that all this time we thought she was a motherfuckin’ monster, but she’s really just an opp.
1. Donald Trump
Seriously, do you think he even knows lotion exists? Also, ain’t no Vaseline strong enough to de-ash orange skin.