The 10 Best Insults I Got From People Who Just Didn't "Get" The Russell Wilson "Simp" Piece

iStock
iStock

Monday afternoon, I wrote a piece poking fun at the hoteps who believe Russell Wilson is a “sucker” for dating Ciara and that a woman like Ciara is somehow undateable because she’s a single mother.

Advertisement

Instead of being direct, however, I employed a bit of satire; giving it an outrageously over-the-top title ("Five Reasons Why Russell Wilson Is The Worst Kind Of Sucker-Ass Simp-Ass Sucker") and listing positives as "negatives." (i.e.: "He’s dating someone new, and is actually bringing her name up in interviews and taking her to events with him, like he’s actually happy to be with her and proud of her or something. Who the hell does that?").

100 percent of the people who read VSB regularly and are familiar with my work knew what was going on here. As did (an estimated) 85 percent of people who don't read VSB regularly, but saw the exaggerated title and the satirical list and immediately figured out what was up. Unfortunately, a good 15 percent did not. And some of that 15 percent were quite vocal (and creative!) with their displeasure.

Advertisement

Below are some of the best examples.

1. "You should rename your page to bum ass niggas"

Left on our Facebook fan page by Joy Jones, I have to give her some credit, because BAN is a much better and much more brandable acronym than VSB. BAN sounds cool. VSB sounds like some ointment for genital gout.

2. "If this ain't at the top of the "fuck boys who have access to the internet and a blog list"

I'd actually like to see the rest of @AD_Renaissance's list. And I'll be pissed if he tries to get cute and put me seventh or something.

Advertisement

3."He must be dark-skinned"

This was also left on our Facebook page yesterday. But whoever left it decided to delete it. And I'm very disappointed because I had so many questions. So. Many. Questions. That, sadly, will never get answered.

Advertisement

***From here until the end, the rest of the list will be taken directly from comments left on VSB. And, since we're taking a little break, I want to address something real quick.***

I actually thought the post was too obvious. That it was so over-the-top sarcastic and satiric that it wasn't particularly witty or biting anymore. Just didactic and preachy. And, despite the fact that it obviously wasn't too obvious for some people, I still believe that. I just think some people were so hyper-focused on and angered by the title — and so convinced it was literal — that they couldn't relax long enough to realize it was satire. (And yes, I admit. The title was definitely a troll.)

Advertisement

Also, I can't be too upset by any of this because, although they were off-base, they were actually defending something noble.

It kinda reminds me of what happens sometimes on prank call shows, where even after the call is revealed to be a prank, the person on the other end is still mad. Not because they were pranked, but because they were so upset by the prank that they literally can't feel anything else other than anger. The prank caller says "It's just a prank call, man. Your brother really isn't sleeping with your girl." And the dude on the other end is still like "I don't care about no prank! My brother is sleeping with my girl!!! Oooh, I can't WAIT till I get home!!!"

Advertisement

And then the prank caller calls the cops, and DMX goes back to prison.

Anyway, back to the list…

4. "Someone needs to be shot for this article!"

Left by "Mo." And I can't help but think about how "Mo" really is the coolest name-based nickname. And also how much cooler it would be if this comment was from Mo Williams.

Advertisement

5. "The author of this is a fucking idiot"

Ashley Pebbles apparently won't be inviting me to any brunches or game nights. Which sucks because Ashleys usually make good omelets.

Advertisement

6. "I'm surprised you are actually making something of your life with the type of mentality you have"

Not vulgar, but that did sting. Good job, Jacques Clark.

7. "How you mad at him for doing something YOUR FATHER should had done.mad cause your mom was some ole slut bag in her day nigga you a pussy and weak single sucker ass nigga who pay for pussy. Bitch ass nigga"

Advertisement

Travon Johnson is a genius, because this is what Meek Mill should have just tweeted to Drake instead of releasing "Wanna Know."

8. "damon young is obviously a fuckin loser!!! Part of the problem why so many mothers are without a husband…. Dumb ass…"

Advertisement

It's almost like Tanktraks was so pissed that he kept wanting to end sentences but couldn't because he had more to say.

"Bitch ass nigga…"

***gets up and paces***

"…and that's why you aint shit…"

***gets up and paces again***

"…and your momma smells like prune juice and Vaseline…"

***pleased with himself, he finally hits send***

9. "Whoever wrote this article needs to get stopped by a racist cop, locked up for no reason and 3 days later they need to report he or she committed suicide. I promised that would be the one and only time I wouldn't give a two lovely fucks!!"

Advertisement

This was, um, disturbing. Exquisite, I am officially disturbed by you.

10. "You sir, Mr. Damon Young are an Idiot."

My favorite insult, because it's exceedingly formal, mentions my full name, randomly misses a comma, and randomly capitalizes "idiot." Wherever you are, person known as "T," please find me. I want to meet you, shake your hand, buy you a drink, and introduce you to the Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

The problem that you seem to miss, however, while trying to be smug and correcting punctuation, is that there are black males out in cyberspace who actually DO think this way. This is why it is difficult to tell that this is satire for anyone who just perused it. The ideas expressed are not so far fetched, outrageous or hard to believe because those ideas are so rampant among the black male misogyny crew and are posted daily. In order for satire to work you have to actually do a send up of something that wouldn't actually be happening in real life and would be so out of pocket that it would be hard to believe. These days a black male writing a piece such as yours, isn't hard to believe. Not by a long shot. This level of sexism and misogyny IS happening in real life and all over the web and black women are barraged with these sentiments daily. I didn't even bother to read the entire diatribe in order to get your so-called humor because I really don't see anything funny about these lines written in the piece. This is how bad the oppression from sexist black males has gotten on the web these days.

This is also why your attempt to call people out on their not getting your attempt at satire, falls flat. You also, despite your attempt at percentage rating, seemingly assume that everyone knows who you are and what your political positions are when many have never even heard of you. One would also have to question whether or not you are in fact being oppressive and exactly what your agenda really is by encouraging the people here to call everyone stupid who didn't get your lame attempt at humor. Are your really on the side of black women or are you just trying to be a snob? What exactly is your agenda? There are other "Why I Hate Hotep" hashtags and pages that call them out on their insanity effectively. You however missed the mark and only served to advance notions that sexist and misogynistic black males express daily and also expressed a veiled attempt at sexism yourself.

So when this is posted on a Facebook page for instance, why wouldn't people get upset if they are just casually reading something that comes up on a thread? Try a different topic next time like one on black males no longer wanting to bed hop and see how well that one goes over. We would know immediately that THAT must be satirical. In the meantime leave the satire to the real comedians.