Monday afternoon, I wrote a piece poking fun at the hoteps who believe Russell Wilson is a “sucker” for dating Ciara and that a woman like Ciara is somehow undateable because she’s a single mother.
Instead of being direct, however, I employed a bit of satire; giving it an outrageously over-the-top title ("Five Reasons Why Russell Wilson Is The Worst Kind Of Sucker-Ass Simp-Ass Sucker") and listing positives as "negatives." (i.e.: "He’s dating someone new, and is actually bringing her name up in interviews and taking her to events with him, like he’s actually happy to be with her and proud of her or something. Who the hell does that?").
100 percent of the people who read VSB regularly and are familiar with my work knew what was going on here. As did (an estimated) 85 percent of people who don't read VSB regularly, but saw the exaggerated title and the satirical list and immediately figured out what was up. Unfortunately, a good 15 percent did not. And some of that 15 percent were quite vocal (and creative!) with their displeasure.
Below are some of the best examples.
1. "You should rename your page to bum ass niggas"
Left on our Facebook fan page by Joy Jones, I have to give her some credit, because BAN is a much better and much more brandable acronym than VSB. BAN sounds cool. VSB sounds like some ointment for genital gout.
2. "If this ain't at the top of the "fuck boys who have access to the internet and a blog list"
3."He must be dark-skinned"
This was also left on our Facebook page yesterday. But whoever left it decided to delete it. And I'm very disappointed because I had so many questions. So. Many. Questions. That, sadly, will never get answered.
***From here until the end, the rest of the list will be taken directly from comments left on VSB. And, since we're taking a little break, I want to address something real quick.***
I actually thought the post was too obvious. That it was so over-the-top sarcastic and satiric that it wasn't particularly witty or biting anymore. Just didactic and preachy. And, despite the fact that it obviously wasn't too obvious for some people, I still believe that. I just think some people were so hyper-focused on and angered by the title — and so convinced it was literal — that they couldn't relax long enough to realize it was satire. (And yes, I admit. The title was definitely a troll.)
Also, I can't be too upset by any of this because, although they were off-base, they were actually defending something noble.
It kinda reminds me of what happens sometimes on prank call shows, where even after the call is revealed to be a prank, the person on the other end is still mad. Not because they were pranked, but because they were so upset by the prank that they literally can't feel anything else other than anger. The prank caller says "It's just a prank call, man. Your brother really isn't sleeping with your girl." And the dude on the other end is still like "I don't care about no prank! My brother is sleeping with my girl!!! Oooh, I can't WAIT till I get home!!!"
And then the prank caller calls the cops, and DMX goes back to prison.
Anyway, back to the list…
4. "Someone needs to be shot for this article!"
Left by "Mo." And I can't help but think about how "Mo" really is the coolest name-based nickname. And also how much cooler it would be if this comment was from Mo Williams.
5. "The author of this is a fucking idiot"
Ashley Pebbles apparently won't be inviting me to any brunches or game nights. Which sucks because Ashleys usually make good omelets.
6. "I'm surprised you are actually making something of your life with the type of mentality you have"
Not vulgar, but that did sting. Good job, Jacques Clark.
7. "How you mad at him for doing something YOUR FATHER should had done.mad cause your mom was some ole slut bag in her day nigga you a pussy and weak single sucker ass nigga who pay for pussy. Bitch ass nigga"
Travon Johnson is a genius, because this is what Meek Mill should have just tweeted to Drake instead of releasing "Wanna Know."
8. "damon young is obviously a fuckin loser!!! Part of the problem why so many mothers are without a husband…. Dumb ass…"
It's almost like Tanktraks was so pissed that he kept wanting to end sentences but couldn't because he had more to say.
"Bitch ass nigga…"
***gets up and paces***
"…and that's why you aint shit…"
***gets up and paces again***
"…and your momma smells like prune juice and Vaseline…"
***pleased with himself, he finally hits send***
9. "Whoever wrote this article needs to get stopped by a racist cop, locked up for no reason and 3 days later they need to report he or she committed suicide. I promised that would be the one and only time I wouldn't give a two lovely fucks!!"
This was, um, disturbing. Exquisite, I am officially disturbed by you.
10. "You sir, Mr. Damon Young are an Idiot."
My favorite insult, because it's exceedingly formal, mentions my full name, randomly misses a comma, and randomly capitalizes "idiot." Wherever you are, person known as "T," please find me. I want to meet you, shake your hand, buy you a drink, and introduce you to the Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation.