The 10 Blackest Things About This Kid’s Journal Entry Roasting His Teacher for Lying About Christopher Columbus

Alayna Kolberg via Facebook
Alayna Kolberg via Facebook

1. The matter-of-fact way he states, “Today was not a good learning day.” Which, in this context, is the equivalent of starting a sentence with, “But I just think it’s kinda funny that ... ”

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2. “I only wanted to hear you not talking” is probably the best burn I’ve heard since Morgan Freeman’s character in Glory called Denzel a “smart-mouthed, stupid-ass, swamp-runnin’ nigga.” It also doubles as the single best response to white tears ever.

3. “You said something wrong and I can’t listen when I hear lies” is totally going to be my reply the next time Tucker Carlson invites me on his show.

4. The fact that the kid was astute (and funny) enough to say, “The only Christopher we acknowledge is Wallace,” and say it in the right context. Some people wait their entire lives for the perfect storm of the perfect pop-culture-reference burn, and this kid got one at 9 (?). I’m jealous.

5. The kid’s mom for very obviously raising him right.

6. Stating the fact (“Because Columbus didn’t find our country the Indians did”) directly after the roast. Because there’s nothing blacker than carrying and whipping out your receipts.

7. Acknowledging that, although Columbus Day is built on a lie, he still wants the holiday off. Because despite this fuck-shit holiday, he’s still not going to pass up an opportunity to sleep in and watch a K.C. Undercover marathon.

8. The simple and brutally effective syntax of “I want you to not teach me lies.” Which makes me suspect that this kid attends the Courtney B. Vance School of Simple and Brutally Effective Syntax on the weekends.

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9. Considering the circumstance, his extremely valid question of the day.

10. His totally not-bothered-at-all response to his teacher’s disappointment. Which, with apologies to his earlier burn, is now the single best response to white tears ever.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

DISCUSSION

areyoureallylistening
Areyoureallylistening

I am a teacher (High school math, formerly English and History), and I cannot find this amusing. I remember being 9 and getting mad when a teacher was wrong. Germany isn’t landlocked Mrs. Hampton!

While I find it mind boggling that a teacher in 2018 would say that Columbus discovered the Americas without mentioning indigenous people, I wonder if she actually did say that. Perhaps she mentioned Columbus 5 times and slipped up once, and now King is jumping down her throat in the journal. In my experience, kids will often lame arguments in an attempt to gain a victory against a teacher. I will never forget the kids who refused to believe that black people are not the majority population in the US. This was at a Latino-majority school. Those kids didn’t really believe that, they just wanted to fight and argue anything and justify it as “we were expressing our views, and the teacher wouldn’t listen.” I really think that King here is just trying to be a jerk and be as argumentative as possible. The teacher is probably less wrong than King is portraying, and King is definitely more cruel than he needs to be.

A lot of people here are applauding the young man. I think that a lot of adults see school as a place where the teachers are maniacally persecuting the kids a la Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall Part 2.” Frankly, I think that the reverse is more true, especially as more and more schools have implemented policies which enable students to make the most spurious complaints against their teachers.