Alayna Kolberg via Facebook
Alayna Kolberg via Facebook

1. The matter-of-fact way he states, “Today was not a good learning day.” Which, in this context, is the equivalent of starting a sentence with, “But I just think it’s kinda funny that ... ”


2. “I only wanted to hear you not talking” is probably the best burn I’ve heard since Morgan Freeman’s character in Glory called Denzel a “smart-mouthed, stupid-ass, swamp-runnin’ nigga.” It also doubles as the single best response to white tears ever.

3. “You said something wrong and I can’t listen when I hear lies” is totally going to be my reply the next time Tucker Carlson invites me on his show.


4. The fact that the kid was astute (and funny) enough to say, “The only Christopher we acknowledge is Wallace,” and say it in the right context. Some people wait their entire lives for the perfect storm of the perfect pop-culture-reference burn, and this kid got one at 9 (?). I’m jealous.

5. The kid’s mom for very obviously raising him right.

6. Stating the fact (“Because Columbus didn’t find our country the Indians did”) directly after the roast. Because there’s nothing blacker than carrying and whipping out your receipts.

7. Acknowledging that, although Columbus Day is built on a lie, he still wants the holiday off. Because despite this fuck-shit holiday, he’s still not going to pass up an opportunity to sleep in and watch a K.C. Undercover marathon.

8. The simple and brutally effective syntax of “I want you to not teach me lies.” Which makes me suspect that this kid attends the Courtney B. Vance School of Simple and Brutally Effective Syntax on the weekends.


9. Considering the circumstance, his extremely valid question of the day.

10. His totally not-bothered-at-all response to his teacher’s disappointment. Which, with apologies to his earlier burn, is now the single best response to white tears ever.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a columnist for, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

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