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10.) White People on Bicylces

I don’t know why it is, but cycling just seems to unleash some kind of unparalleled joy on the faces of white people.  Now that spring has arrived, major cities across the country are being inundated with smiling white people on their bikes.  Where are they going?  Who knows.  Maybe to an artisanal mayonnaise shop or to a picnic with tiny sandwiches or something.  But wherever they’re going, they’re on a two-wheeler and they’re happier than you’ll ever be.

(Honorable mention: White dudes hearing there’s beer in the break room)

9.) Old People who just found out they’re getting a discount because they’re old

You ever been at a restaurant with your moms when she finds out there’s an AARP discount?  Bruh, there’s nothing like the happiness of a senior citizen being acknowledged for their 55+ years on the planet by 15% off at Old Country Buffet.  They might even get coffee AND dessert.

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(Honorable mention: Grandparents buying pajamas for their grandchildren)

8.) Ques hearing the first eight seconds of Atomic Dog

You can see it in their eyes.  The song starts up and their eyes get big like they’re thinking, “That sounds like… OH SHIT THAT’S IT!”.  Next thing you know there’s hopping, there’s stomping, a shirt’s coming off and your niece’s quincinera is off the chain (and your Mexican in-laws are bewildered).  True story, I once DJ’d a Que wedding where the bride paid me $100 extra to not play Atomic Dog.  That song’s dangerous.

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(Honorable mention: AKAs at brunch)

7.) People who still eat pork

Because they can order anything on the menu and you can’t.  Every brunch, you gotta start by asking if they got turkey bacon or turkey sausage or beef ribs.  Not these people, they’re free.  They’re happy.  They’re getting the BLT.

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(Honorable mention: Your brother-in-law telling you about the rich/famous person’s taxes he did that one time but can’t disclose any names)

6.) Aunties in Las Vegas

It’s Brenda’s birthday weekend, Tammy’s son just graduated from high school, Wanda got promoted to supervisor and Felicia’s divorce papers just went through.  Watch out, y’all,  the aunties are fitna kick it!  You haven’t really partied in Vegas until you’ve been at Tao Beach with a bunch of 40+ black women who ain’t gettin’ their hair wet in that pool but got good credit and are gonna buy some bottles for they damn selves.  Vegas aunties are the best and they got buffet passes.

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(Honorable mention: The guy playing bass in a funk band)

5.) Your sister’s boyfriend

Because he’s an idiot.

(Honorable mention: Dogs riding in cars with the windows down)

4.) People who work at Carmax

They’re not there to haggle, they’re not there to hustle, they just want you to be happy with your pre-owned Volvo S60.  They’re the antithesis of the smarmy car dealers.  I test drove a car there once, didn’t buy it, the salesman (his name was Dave) called me up a week later to ask how I was and then congratulated me on getting a great deal somewhere else.  Who does that besides the happy muhfuckas at Carmax?

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(Honorable mention: The receptionist at a dentist’s office who just got flowers)

3.) Athletes who are seconds away from winning a championship

Especially the ones on the bench.  Like, you see them on the sidelines, all smiles and back pats waiting for those last few seconds to tick off so they can trade their Gatorade for champagne.  They know that they’re *thisclose* to confetti, parades, rings, Queen’s “We Are The Champions,” and a commemorative Sports Illustrated fan package.  That’s pure joy.

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(Honorable mention: Bougie black people seeing a Starbucks opening in their neighborhood)

2.) Black dudes playing basketball in commercials

Maybe they’re selling sneakers or a sports drink or Icy Hot or maybe it’s time to have a serious talk about HIV.  Doesn’t matter, black dudes hooping in commercials are all abnormally happy be there.  Now that I’ve pointed this out, you’ll never not notice it.

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(Honorable mention: Beth at work telling you about her Etsy store)

1.) Kids eating ice cream

Seriously.  Nothing happier than kids eating a Scooter Crunch in a park on a hot ass day.  I won’t even open the floor for debate on that.  If you can’t make a kid happy with ice cream, perhaps you need to invest in a house made of gingerbread and a large oven because you’re probably a witch.

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(Honorable mention: Uncles telling you about 1983)