1. At the 0:09 mark, Sharon Reed says there’s some “confusion behind the scenes.” Which is a lie in the same black-ass vein as someone beginning a sentence with “It’s just funny that ... ” when what’s about to follow isn’t funny at all. This is professional Negro judo. “Sharon Reed” is Swahili for “Pai Mei.”
2. Her “um” right before the camera pans in on her, which is another way of exaggerating her faux confusion and building anticipation for what’s about to happen next. If this were extrapolated to a street fight, this would be where she’d begin to remove her earrings while still speaking in a calm and level voice.
3. The finger pistols of death when she says Kathy Rae’s name as the camera focuses on her. At this moment, she is speaking not just to Kathy Rae but to all of the Kathy Raes out there who might want to start some shit. It’s so intense that even if you’re not a Kathy Rae, if you just happen to have “Kathy” or “Rae” in your name, you probably flinched.
4. Reed requesting that the email be placed on-screen and then informing us that she’ll comment after the thing she asked to be done is done. She is taking her time. She is ... holy shit ... it’s coming ... it’s almost here ... RECLAIMING HER TIME! HLGTUCU6TFSY8ISVI!!!
5. Her smirk after stating, in a manner that can only be described as “aggressively professional,” that she’ll provide her response when they come back. Her entire steez in this video is a master class on aggressive professionalism.
6. Her not-so-subtle shade at Kathy Rae’s typo and general lack of intellect, as she reminded us that Kathy Rae “attempted” to spell the “n-word” and failed by spelling out “N-i-g-e-r.” Which, as we all know, is the name of a black-ass country. Sharon Reed is baking a turducken of blackness.
7. Sharon Reed’s obvious (and exaggerated) mirth and patience when explaining to Kathy Rae that she actually didn’t say that white people couldn’t talk about race. It reminded me of Kill Bill (again) when O-Ren is calmly addressing the council right after decapitating Boss Tanaka.
8. Her look at her co-anchor when she states, “My colleagues and I, white and black,” and the co-anchors nod, which clearly communicates, “Yeah, my name is Bennett and I ain’t in it. This is all you, Kathy Rae.”
9. Her transition at the 1:17 mark, where she’s done with the explaining and the tone of her voice subtly shifts from “third-grade teacher explaining to a student why she shouldn’t eat Fruit Roll-Ups for breakfast” to “You gonna get this work.” “Sharon Reed” is also Swahili for “Loaded Lux.”
10. Sharon Reed’s prayer hands of death, placed in prime “smack a silly white girl, but with Jesus” formation.
11. “I won’t mischaracterize your viewpoint either ... Kathy Rae.” Shit. At this point you just hope, for Kathy Rae’s family, that Kathy Rae has completed a power of attorney form.
12. At the 1:37 mark, Sharon Reed refers to herself as “this journalist.” Which is either the second or third person—I’m not sure. And since I’m not sure, we’ll just split the difference and say she referred to herself in the second-and-a-half person. SHARON REED JUST INVENTED A NEW PERSON ON KATHY RAE’S SILLY ASS.
13. At 1:42, Sharon Reed reminds Kathy Rae that she could clap back—and does this while her head and her delicious tresses sway in the wind—but is choosing not to because, you know, she’s at work. Kathy Rae is still gonna get this work. But the “I’m still at work” version of “this work.”
14. This face.
15. This face.
16. This face.
17. This face.
18. The fact that, while making each of these faces—and the accompanying points—she totally, definitely, absolutely wants to clap after each syllable but can’t because, you know, she’s at work. And doing that might mess up her sound.
19. The repetitious use of Kathy Rae’s name. Just to remind Kathy Rae, if she was thinking about forgetting about what’s happening to her, that this work is for you, Kathy Rae.
20. Saying “And that’ll be the last word,” which is the last word EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T USE ANY OF HER OWN WORDS REALLY TO ADDRESS KATHY RAE’S WORDS, EVEN THOUGH SHE STILL KINDA DID!